Intimacy: Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to... - FML

By Noname - 10/03/2009 09:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 966

You deserved it 61 141

Taking stock

Make your mind up

Mr. Robot

Safe bet

By nerdy09 - 19/08/2021 03:59

Spicy

Today, a guy sent me, “I miss you.” I invited him to come over for a movie, but he then said, “I’m down for that, but I expect you to hook up with me.” I guess that’s all I’m good for? FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 188

By FourKnees - 15/05/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 304

You deserved it 4 210

By gullible - 12/04/2014 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that the April Fool's Day prank my girlfriend and best friend played on me was not a joke, and that they actually did sleep together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 787

You deserved it 3 922

Movie going

By soembarassed - 18/03/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 812

You deserved it 11 327

By Anonymous - 14/07/2012 14:43 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 561

You deserved it 5 168

By StillSingle - 29/06/2009 18:14 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 239

You deserved it 5 073

By badtimingdude - 18/08/2009 16:34 - Mauritius

Spicy

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 503

You deserved it 66 981

By littlefinger - 11/03/2014 16:11 - United States - Foley

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 536

You deserved it 6 959

By p-man - 27/08/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, my friend and I went boating. In the middle of the lake, we decided to jump in. We put our valuables in the boat and jumped in. When I tried to get back in the boat, it flipped over, and our cellphones, along with my car keys, are at the bottom of the lake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 086

You deserved it 57 129

By { o } - 22/03/2015 17:41 - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 489

You deserved it 3 696

By unacceptable - 04/06/2012 15:02 - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 225

You deserved it 2 731

By Grant - 11/01/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 677

You deserved it 3 084

By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/05/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 683

You deserved it 5 193

Clumsy

By evilwater - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 067

You deserved it 8 456

By insomnitude - 05/03/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 711

You deserved it 13 773

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 113

You deserved it 13 680

By anonymous - 08/09/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 383

You deserved it 2 023

By Anonymous - 08/02/2013 15:36 - United States

Today, I found a cup full of urine in the bathtub. No one in my family knows where it came from. This is the second time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 232

You deserved it 2 645

By Anonymous - 05/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Park City

Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 020

You deserved it 394

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 981

You deserved it 26 701

By JC - 06/12/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 484

You deserved it 9 830

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 07:06 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 763

You deserved it 3 614

Pig in shit

By Anonymous - 18/10/2021 14:00

Today, after leaving for a two-week-trip, and thinking this time my mom would finally have no choice but to clean the dirty toilet herself for once, because I’ve been doing it the entire year, along with most other chores, I think you can guess what I did first thing upon my return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 96

Untidy

By Anonymous - 05/03/2021 14:02 - Germany

Today, my mom wanted a pat on the back for putting away some bottles that were clogging up the kitchen bench. She put them away by putting them on top of the dishwasher for me to deal with. They were from a trip she took over Christmas. It’s now March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 65

One ring to…

By bchorror - 22/04/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 892

You deserved it 1 099

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 456

You deserved it 1 358

By Not Again! - 14/06/2019 04:16

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 327

By skippy_liz - 26/10/2010 07:48 - United States

Today, I went to the library to pick up Romeo and Juliet, for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 491

You deserved it 8 876

By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - 13/07/2013 17:33 - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 223

You deserved it 4 131

By Nofatforme - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 643

You deserved it 4 846

By Fml - 12/04/2013 05:05 - United States - Lynn

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 102

You deserved it 14 569

By worried - 16/08/2011 13:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 673

You deserved it 55 194

By SadisticSatire - 11/10/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 295

You deserved it 39 692

Burning rubber

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 00:01

Today, I bought a car that literally caught fire seconds after I started the engine. The dealership then fobbed me off, saying I'd driven it off their forecourt (by about 3 yards), so it was entirely my problem, but they still expect my monthly payments to be on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 70

By daddylove - 12/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says "Oh, honey. I don't care... Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 353

You deserved it 6 898

By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 848

You deserved it 9 001

And yet you have phone? Curious Andy

By Nostalgia - 08/09/2021 20:01

Today, I packed up to get ready to move to my boyfriend’s. I just graduated high school and I don’t get along with his mom, but I have no other choice of living. I was supposed to move in with his family tomorrow but now his mom won’t let me. It was last minute, and I’m basically homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 12/06/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 544

You deserved it 3 467

By chippuh - 26/04/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my family and I drove to a mall an hour away. We split up, and I went into a store by myself. A little later, I get a call from my brother asking me where I am. They had already left to go home and didn't notice me missing from the car. They were already halfway home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 747

You deserved it 3 104

By halfie - 26/09/2015 05:06 - United States - Pigeon Forge

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 504

You deserved it 33 265

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

So you kiss people's necks when they breathe heavily? Creepy.

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:09

I don't know why anyone would think you deserved this. You had no idea she was having an asthma attack. Breathing heavily sometimes happens when you're aroused. It was an honest mistake.

Comments

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:08

Well? Did you do it?

tysta 0

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Saturday 10 April 2010 7:01

Lesbians can die in hell

jadedwaitress 0

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Tuesday 8 June 2010 14:44

Bigots can burn in hell

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Saturday 12 June 2010 20:26

Fuck you 49

ForTheMotherland 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 2:38

Wow 49. Just wow.

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:10

why, 49? are they taking the girls that u MITE have a chance at? :3

Rubb3rDuckies 3

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Monday 6 September 2010 20:36

Has anyone noticed that OP is a GIRL?

titanic12beth 0

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Monday 27 December 2010 11:54

haha yep. o.O

MyNameIsBruce 0

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Tuesday 28 December 2010 6:15

I was just wondering about that

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Saturday 22 September 2012 1:05

Yes she is a girl, people can be gay, why make a big thing about it.

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

thegirlnextdoorr 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:35

#2- Agreed. :D OP- I hope she's okay. FYL

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Monday 25 July 2011 8:01

Yeah totally when I'm getting ready for sexy time I sound like a tired dog

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Friday 25 April 2014 18:05

Because she was coming onto a friend without knowing for sure that's what she wanted. Or if she was even a lesbian or bi. Obviously.

UniUni 16

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Friday 10 March 2017 20:47

so you just kiss your friend's necks when they breath heavily?

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:10

Just a 'friend'? Hope she's OK

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:12

wow i hope shes ok and don't worry about it its not like its ur fault she was having an asthma attack

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:13

Damn...that sucks, I would have been mad, but at the same time sympathetic.

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

So you kiss people's necks when they breathe heavily? Creepy.

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

Do you have a romantic interest in this friend, or were you just horny? I don’t know if this is a FML or a YDI without that information. If things are going to be awkward with someone you were interested in, then FML. If you are just going to be a little embarrassed but didn’t potentially screw up a chance at dating this woman by rushing things, YDI.

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:32

as long as shes okay this is funny, you kinda got owned haha

allstarplayer324 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:38

If she really is just a friend then i have no sympathy for you if you just started kissing her...besides i have asthma and if somebody thought i was getting excited when i couldn't breathe...well they would not be giving me a massage or whatever anymore.

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:58

...maybe she was just REALLY into it! haha

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Thursday 10 February 2011 8:09

n

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 36

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 276