Intimacy: Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to...

By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

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Intimacy

Commando

Serious times

Good deeds

By goodbyepromotion - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By Lena - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

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By imatotalloser

Today, after months of telling my landlord about the weak floorboards in my living room, I fell through them as I was trying to repair them myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my scumbag landlady broke into my place and stole my mop, which I refused to give her earlier. She denied everything and tried to convince me that some criminal broke in using a key, stole only my mop, and was nice enough to lock up on the way out. FML

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By seizuregirl17 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

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By littlegirl - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Death Grips

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

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By Diffy - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

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By MommyProblems - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was chosen to MC a function at work. I developed a terrible case of hiccups which made the audience giggle and groan for the duration of my time on stage. FML

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By Evil_Angel_90 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

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By eyepatch - United States - Albany

Today, while I was giving a school presentation about life as an injured, deformed soldier, someone asked if the reason I wear an eyepatch is because I'm a pirate. I wouldn't have minded, had I not been presenting to high-school students. FML

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By cartrouble - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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By Hopeful - 27/2/2021 11:01

Sex work is work

Today, barely able to pay rent while working 3 jobs, I decided to give in to the idea of making online sex work photos and videos. Everyone else seems to be making thousands doing it, so why not? Turns out that the only people interested in my body are scammers. FML

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By Lulu - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

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By Rain

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

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By baybuh - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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12861

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By kimmybr - United States

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barrington

Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By BoCoMoGal

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

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By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By Gassy - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By ken - Canada

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk. As I did, a car that was passing by stopped, made a U-turn, and then came back so the people inside could laugh at me. When they were done taunting me, they made another U-turn and continued back in their original direction. FML

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By vacationless - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I finished booking the non-refundable cruise for my wife and I to the Bahamas. I did this after confirming once again that my mother could take care of our son while we're away. An hour after I paid, she called back saying she mistook the dates and can't do it anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 02:01

Alcoholics of the world, get help

Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

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By Anonymous - Monaco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

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By rapturezz - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend told my entire family and all my friends that we broke up because I came out to her. They all believe her. Twenty two texts and counting. FML

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By FailureAtLife121 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Protip

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By ROBERT - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

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Top comments

By MEGAJOSH | 0

#24642 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

So you kiss people's necks when they breathe heavily? Creepy.

By kandy_fml | 0

#24616 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:09

I don't know why anyone would think you deserved this. You had no idea she was having an asthma attack. Breathing heavily sometimes happens when you're aroused. It was an honest mistake.

COMMENTS

By Stupoopy | 0

#24614 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:08

Well? Did you do it?

tysta | 0

#977100 - Saturday 10 April 2010 7:01

Lesbians can die in hell

jadedwaitress | 0

#1023955 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 14:44

Bigots can burn in hell

fakeaccountX | 6

#1028725 - Saturday 12 June 2010 20:26

Fuck you 49

ForTheMotherland | 0

#1082609 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 2:38

Wow 49. Just wow.

Tigertnt | 0

#1188559 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:10

why, 49?
are they taking the girls that u MITE have a chance at?
:3

Rubb3rDuckies | 3

#1361886 - Monday 6 September 2010 20:36

Has anyone noticed that OP is a GIRL?

titanic12beth | 0

#1895741 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:54

haha yep. o.O

MyNameIsBruce | 0

#1899716 - Tuesday 28 December 2010 6:15

I was just wondering about that

lolipop1234_fml | 7

#4957597 - Saturday 22 September 2012 1:05

Yes she is a girl, people can be gay, why make a big thing about it.

By kandy_fml | 0

#24616 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

thegirlnextdoorr | 0

#1112713 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:35

#2- Agreed. :D
OP- I hope she's okay. FYL

goalie001 | 0

#2970252 - Monday 25 July 2011 8:01

Yeah totally when I'm getting ready for sexy time I sound like a tired dog

askingandy | 23

#5925707 - Friday 25 April 2014 18:05

Because she was coming onto a friend without knowing for sure that's what she wanted. Or if she was even a lesbian or bi. Obviously.

UniUni | 13

#7423162 - Friday 10 March 2017 20:47

so you just kiss your friend's necks when they breath heavily?

By dol567 | 0

#24621 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:10

Just a 'friend'? Hope she's OK

By bored88 | 0

#24633 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:12

wow i hope shes ok and don't worry about it its not like its ur fault she was having an asthma attack

By DinoJR | 0

#24635 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:13

Damn...that sucks, I would have been mad, but at the same time sympathetic.

By MEGAJOSH | 0

#24642 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

So you kiss people's necks when they breathe heavily? Creepy.

By Ole_Stinker | 0

#24645 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

Do you have a romantic interest in this friend, or were you just horny? I don’t know if this is a FML or a YDI without that information. If things are going to be awkward with someone you were interested in, then FML. If you are just going to be a little embarrassed but didn’t potentially screw up a chance at dating this woman by rushing things, YDI.

By friedman_fml | 0

#24695 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:32

as long as shes okay this is funny, you kinda got owned haha

By allstarplayer324 | 0

#24713 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:38

If she really is just a friend then i have no sympathy for you if you just started kissing her...besides i have asthma and if somebody thought i was getting excited when i couldn't breathe...well they would not be giving me a massage or whatever anymore.

By nerd_fml | 0

#24758 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:58

...maybe she was just REALLY into it! haha

allypurple | 0

#2065794 - Thursday 10 February 2011 8:09