Transportation: Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy...

By Susan - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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Transportation

Out of it

Check this out

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By Worsttreeever - United States

Today, we brought our Christmas tree inside to decorate. We decorated it, then went out to dinner as a family. Returning 2 hours later, we came back to find our living room to be occupied. Not with people. The tree had been filled with baby spiders, and they were all over the living room. FML

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By myownperson - United States

Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

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By AlexB - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

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By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

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By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By Leenotgay - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

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By LemonTree - Hungary

Today, I realized that I ran out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML

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By arse of fire :( - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 08:01

Traditions suck

Today, I found out the girl who ghosted me a month ago is engaged. Not only is she engaged, but she is in an arranged marriage. And not only is she going to be married, but she still has feelings for me. FML

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By mickymoose1 - 19/7/2020 02:02

Stinky

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

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By BigPurplePresent - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By newlyengaged - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methanphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year old father. FML

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By bigbuldge

Roommate From Hell

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

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By Best-stuf-on-Earth - United States

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Oh hey how are you?

Today, my boyfriend and I pulled over to have sex in his mother's car. It was going great until I leaned back onto the horn, waking up our whole neighborhood. FML

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By heartless - United States

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

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By guaranteed service - United States

Today, I wrote an e-mail to a friend stating how hot my client was. I waited for her response, but received a response from my client stating, "I would readdress this accordingly." FML

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By stdpositivenow - United States

Today, for our 3rd anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

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By boohoo - Ireland

Today, I was fired from my catering job for pointing out the unsafe food conditions. I'm studying food safety in college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

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By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By hypebeast - United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

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By Matt - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

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By myheadhurts - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML

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By oxbbabexo - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

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By B_McG - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By nevergoingtopeeagain - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By blackitalian - United States

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 11:01 - Germany - Olbersdorf

Zapped

Today, I got the worst electric shock ever, touching a wire that was connected to the electric fence only by a plastic isolator, made specifically to NOT conduct electricity. I still don’t understand how it was possible. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after barely sleeping all week, I tried some ASMR videos to help me fall asleep. Both my dogs and my husband are out cold, snoring so loud I can't even hear the ASMR. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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Top comments

By kyle_kbo20 | 0

#509777 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

YDI for thinking your all that, and that everyone wants to flirt with you

By luxornv | 0

#509814 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:22

Unless he was thrusting in the direction you should have went, he's not flirting with you. Stop flattering yourself.

COMMENTS

By kyle_kbo20 | 0

#509777 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

YDI for thinking your all that, and that everyone wants to flirt with you

summer99 | 0

#509786 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:05

kudos to you for not saying "first". and also, i agree YDI.

seanreddog | 4

#510216 - Monday 24 August 2009 2:23

YDI FOR LIKING OBAMA

dx169 | 0

#510481 - Monday 24 August 2009 4:49

YDI for having a car.

blargity | 0

#512002 - Monday 24 August 2009 22:48

#1 maybe she thought at least he would flirt with her and at least she didn't flip him off
edit: people are going wayyyy too out of control with "YDI" today

mlipro | 0

#931309 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 5:24

Construction workers have standards. Don't flatter yourself.

munchly | 17

#974080 - Sunday 4 April 2010 22:18

wow I was going to say that...

" YDI for thinking you're pretty"

By dothedallywag | 0

#509779 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

I feel SO sorry for you, but LOL!!! Bahahahahaha....

pelican2 | 0

#511848 - Monday 24 August 2009 21:02

YDI for being a skanky whore

By ohFawkYou | 0

#509780 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

YDI. lols

By redbluegreen | 40

#509783 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:05

Flirting and directing are two totally different things. I mean, do the waves really look that similar? I mean, the ocean even waves. (;

By magicoilyoctopi | 0

#509797 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:12

YDI.

By Stephai | 0

#509801 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:14

O_O Ouch.. but YDI

By luxornv | 0

#509814 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:22

Unless he was thrusting in the direction you should have went, he's not flirting with you. Stop flattering yourself.

DameGreyWulf | 0

#509840 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:34

Agreed. What kind of fool thinks someone is flirting when they're waving their arms around like that, especially if the fool is driving? Is she new?
OP, just so you know, people often signal with their arms and hands when you drive.