Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy...

By Susan - 23/8/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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Transportation

Work name

Tidy your room

Noise

By laviestpasimal - 7/3/2012 00:14 - France

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

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By poorman - 9/10/2009 23:22 - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

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By Tjop - 15/4/2011 11:50 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2016 21:29 - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

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By regiftee - 25/3/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2011 11:47 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By Monsieur-Madame - 31/5/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

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By worthless - 3/4/2011 00:51 - United States

Today, I was reading my boyfriend's online diary. It started off really sweet, saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me, and how he utterly adored me. It then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me, all because I have a low sex-drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 08:35 - Malaysia

Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 03:24 - United States - Franklin

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

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By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

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By Bad Teacher - 1/8/2014 05:24 - Australia - West End

Today, I got sent to the head teacher's office for doing "stupid hand gestures and disrupting the class". Yesterday my teacher told the class to do the same hand gesture to ask for permission to go to the toilet so it wouldn't interrupt her talking. FML

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By Buggga - 22/8/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By Lonely_Army - 25/5/2012 16:03 - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

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By chickenmcnuggetgirl - 18/3/2013 18:10 - Ireland - Enfield

Different strokes

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a chicken nugget fetish. He wants me to take a chicken nugget bath in a bikini. He seems to be dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By heatproblems - 19/12/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

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By shanti - 16/2/2014 17:30

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By dead - 9/3/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 14:33 - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By John Nani - 25/12/2011 17:06 - United States

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 05:00

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By footfetish - 2/2/2013 11:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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By Bostonian - 2/12/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I told my long distance girlfriend I will be coming half way across the country to visit here since I have not seen her in a month, I gave her my flight information so she could pick me up at the airport. She responded with "That's when The Office is on, can you take a cab?" FML

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By thedeadone - 15/7/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By Rin - 15/1/2010 08:02 - United States

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

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By Noname - 17/3/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn't. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 17:00

Queue cutters should be prosecuted!

Today, while queuing in a shop, a girl appeared to bunk the line. When I asked her about it, she said it was nothing to do with me. She then asked me what was I going to do about it, before kneeing me in the nuts. I was overtaken by everyone in the queue. FML

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By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell - 27/12/2018 02:00

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

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By wowgranny - 22/12/2016 20:08 - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

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By tmi4me - 26/5/2015 03:50 - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

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By compguy - 25/2/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

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By Justme - 30/6/2016 18:20 - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By Bernadette - 28/6/2012 19:58

Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML

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By Loser - 12/8/2017 03:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

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By ireallylikecats - 22/4/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I saw a lady with a stroller in the park. She stopped at the water fountain and got a drink, then left without her baby. I ran to the stroller and started rolling it after her. Two grown men attacked me, accusing me of trying to steal said baby. Turns out it was a baby doll. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2013 07:11 - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

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Top comments

By kyle_kbo20 | 0

#509777 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

YDI for thinking your all that, and that everyone wants to flirt with you

By luxornv | 0

#509814 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:22

Unless he was thrusting in the direction you should have went, he's not flirting with you. Stop flattering yourself.

COMMENTS

By kyle_kbo20 | 0

#509777 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

YDI for thinking your all that, and that everyone wants to flirt with you

summer99 | 0

#509786 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:05

kudos to you for not saying "first". and also, i agree YDI.

seanreddog | 4

#510216 - Monday 24 August 2009 2:23

YDI FOR LIKING OBAMA

dx169 | 0

#510481 - Monday 24 August 2009 4:49

YDI for having a car.

blargity | 0

#512002 - Monday 24 August 2009 22:48

#1 maybe she thought at least he would flirt with her and at least she didn't flip him off
edit: people are going wayyyy too out of control with "YDI" today

mlipro | 0

#931309 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 5:24

Construction workers have standards. Don't flatter yourself.

munchly | 17

#974080 - Sunday 4 April 2010 22:18

wow I was going to say that...

" YDI for thinking you're pretty"

By dothedallywag | 0

#509779 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

I feel SO sorry for you, but LOL!!! Bahahahahaha....

pelican2 | 0

#511848 - Monday 24 August 2009 21:02

YDI for being a skanky whore

By ohFawkYou | 0

#509780 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:03

YDI. lols

By redbluegreen | 40

#509783 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:05

Flirting and directing are two totally different things. I mean, do the waves really look that similar? I mean, the ocean even waves. (;

By magicoilyoctopi | 0

#509797 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:12

YDI.

By Stephai | 0

#509801 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:14

O_O Ouch.. but YDI

By luxornv | 0

#509814 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:22

Unless he was thrusting in the direction you should have went, he's not flirting with you. Stop flattering yourself.

DameGreyWulf | 0

#509840 - Sunday 23 August 2009 23:34

Agreed. What kind of fool thinks someone is flirting when they're waving their arms around like that, especially if the fool is driving? Is she new?
OP, just so you know, people often signal with their arms and hands when you drive.