Love: Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glance... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glance over and see my brother's hot friend who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then hear my mom say "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML

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Taking stock

Our house, in the middle of our street

Modernity

By eejit - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

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By leelee50 - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By misi

Today, my mother threw a fit because the psychologist she got me suggested I visit a psychiatrist. Apparently, it's my fault because I "choose" to be so "crazy". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I contacted a girl who dropped her ID at a club last night. I offer to drive 2 hours to return her ID to her. She is thrilled. When I arrive, she gives me a strange look, takes the ID, and runs back into her house. A two hour drive without even a thank you. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 00:30

Added protein

Today, I was drinking lemon juice through a straw. After finishing half of the drink, I noticed there was a cockroach in my straw. FML

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By cazzb - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML

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By nehadrihan - United States - Oceanside

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By Asterisk1009 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

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By namehere34 - United States

Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

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By AnatomyLecture

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

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By iet_Wyrda - France - Verneuil-sur-seine

Today, my dog tore up a single book from the dozens within his reach. That book was titled "How to Train Your Dog". FML

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By fingwhore - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

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By Krystl - Australia

Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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By American idol

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

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By Sam - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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By sadgirl - United States - Conway

Today, my grandpa pointed me out to one of his friends, saying, "Yeah, she's the ugly one." FML

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML

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By pinks - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By notsohappilyeverafter - United States

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By morethanredhands

Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 05:01

That's… a strange coincidence

Today, my boyfriend of three years hooked up with a girl who got herpes from a Michigan football player. FML

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By princessbbee - United States

Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML

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By fun in functioning, I suppose - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

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By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

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Top comments

By thisisnotmyname | 0

#62462 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:02

lol No one looks pretty after swim practice. I always looked horrid.

By Megbo | 0

#62474 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:06

hahaha oh well, at least he still waved?

COMMENTS

By thisisnotmyname | 0

#62462 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:02

lol No one looks pretty after swim practice. I always looked horrid.

Reply

chloelovestoswim | 6

#952032 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:47

I agree ur eyes are like red from chlorine u smell like chlorine hair messy and ur makeups pretty much screwed lol

Reply

cellycrunk | 16

#1040057 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 7:56

go mommy ;]

Reply

AmyShark | 7

#5172345 - Wednesday 21 November 2012 22:44

Amen to that

By JAL_fml | 0

#62468 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:04

That sucks. At least she was being honest?

By Megbo | 0

#62474 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:06

hahaha oh well, at least he still waved?

By Jaywin | 3

#62475 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:06

If it was at a distant I think you're good.

By Tucatz | 0

#62478 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:07

Gee, thanks, Mom. Love you too.

(As a father myself I have an overwhelming urge to throttle her right now. There are some things you just don't say to your kids.)

By scb197 | 0

#62483 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:08

no honestly, that's hilarious.

By Jimboom | 11

#62500 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:11

Tell your mom to shut her stinkin pie hole!

Reply

kentuckyredneck | 10

#3332905 - Friday 23 September 2011 11:28

Every time i read your posts, i read them in alphonse voice.

By melissa_03 | 0

#62521 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:17

haha what a bitch.
but ive gotta admit, thats still pretty funny lol

By br0ken | 0

#62535 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:22

no one look pretty after swiming ..

and im agree with #2 at least she was honest ...

By frosty16 | 0

#62541 - Friday 27 March 2009 16:23

Thanks a lot, mom. She sounds.... that couldn't have been a good day for you. Sorry.