Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML
Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML
Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML
Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML
Today, I may be permanently blind in one eye after my girlfriend squirted me with sauce during a playful food fight. She basically used the first bottle she could grab without looking, the extra spicy sauce I make myself that requires gloves, goggles and nose plugs while cooking. FML
Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML
Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML
Today, I confidently told my friends I had a high spice tolerance and took a shot of insanely hot ghost pepper sauce. I immediately hiccuped, tears started streaming down my cheeks, and I coughed so hard I fell off my chair and knocked stuff off of the table. We were in a restaurant. FML
Today, I decided to spice up my lunch by adding hot sauce to my sandwich. Little did I know, the hot sauce bottle had a faulty cap, and as I squeezed it, the entire contents shot directly into my eye. Now, not only is my lunch ruined, but I also look like I just auditioned for a role in a tear-jerker movie. FML
Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML
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Top comments
dasteve 0
Chillies on your willy!
Agent36263626 4
At least you know where the burning is coming from...
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Comments (382)
bunnymess 4
Why would u touch ur penis while ur cooking
Livencountry 5
For flavoring.
Furrywhiplash 14
Flavoring to the food or to OP's penis?
derpster 7
39- both. >:)
lulucall911 6
I'm srry I meant to thumb up accidentally thumbed down my bad!
ihasbrains 10
Maybe OP had to take a piss. Eh?
ambamm135 7
Ummmm has no one here cooked with chiles before? If you chop them the acid which causes that burning sensation lingers on your hands for awhile even after washing your hands. Op probably finished cooking then went to the restroom and learned the hard way.
theevilduchess 12
That's what I was thinking.
franciscovegas 3
he was masturbating
AmbrosiaWriter 17
@155 - I've cooked and worked with hot peppers of varying degrees. I always wore latex gloves while doing it because to not is just very stupid. Then you can just peel the gloves off and any pepper juice that got on them is not on your hands. You should do that with any substance that you are warned to not touch sensitive parts of your body.
ambamm135 7
Yes but op obviously didn't do that. My question is why is people's logic running to he touched his penis while he was cooking and not after while in the restroom or something.
GoW_Chick 15
You would think that would of been obvious, but I guess some people are to hot headed to know these things.
GoW_Chick 15
Get it? 'hot headed' Anyone? No?
leakingout 0
to soon Hun XD
Unsorrowful 1
Hahaa hot headed... I get it!! :D
GoW_Chick 15
63- Yeah I kind of failed on that part, and made an idiot of myself, and now I'm over it. Bring on the imaginary thumb downs of doom!
McDonaldsworker 4
Lmao! funny, funny, Took me a sec to get it though lol
StoryOfTheYear 15
I dun't get. ._.
Legendslayer222 26
Hot headed... Hot headed... Maybe... No, I don't get it. I can't relate the word "headed" to this fml.
ladyLALAA 29
A penis has a head!
YayFlameWarz 9
One of his heads are hot alright...
Shadow9876 19
I can't tell if that's a pun or not XD
mstangchck 9
Common sense dude
Britter903 6
Thomas paine
bitchslapped22 14
Quite the scholar he was
iDaniel525 8
Since 1776...
Poser1337 5
My penis suddenly hurts.
omfg_creepers 8
"Not at the table Carlos!"
Furrywhiplash 14
Why were you touching your penis while you were cooking?
Poser1337 5
Because, PO-TA-TO
Pentium_4 27
should've been implied
CheckItOutItsYou 7
Nah, they should just say wear gloves and try to avoid skin contact
docscientist 10
You mean infer.
littlemsweirdo 12
Uh, ouch. Enough Said
Amrel 10
Did you accidentally confuse the space button with the return button? If youre on an iphone i completely understand, i do that shit all the time. Sorry if i offended you:/
littlemsweirdo 12
Lol, yes! Cuz the dang screen is just so small
11harry101 1
Wtf..
StaRRrRr 0
Why would you touch your penis, while cooking?
iDaniel525 8
Why wouldn't you?
chrisiffer 17
To go to the toilet
rockyraccoon28 8
no one said it was while cooking. it could have been even a while afterwards, the acids from the peppers can stay on your hands even if you wash them. I know this from trying to put my contacts in after chopping peppers. not a good experience.
diamond69_fml 14
Hopefully he washes his hands before going back to cook. Sorry OP, but you deserved it.
psuedodragon 23
Ah... damn those chili-induced universe-ending paradoxes...