Intimacy: Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly... - FML

13/02/2011 22:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 439

You deserved it 9 512

Family values

Good boy

Put your back into it

23/03/2011 11:25 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 219

You deserved it 17 113

18/02/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, it's been one week since my demented grandma babysat my five-year-old daughter while my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. Now she's taken to screaming and calling me a "damn commie" whenever I discipline or say no to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 553

You deserved it 5 824

21/01/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Spicy

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 343

You deserved it 9 276

24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 214

You deserved it 1 882

03/11/2017 04:00

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 821

You deserved it 481

16/03/2009 21:01 - United States

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 529

You deserved it 91 968

04/02/2010 14:52 - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 804

You deserved it 4 746

26/10/2014 10:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 396

You deserved it 24 650

08/08/2010 14:52 - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 752

You deserved it 3 397

13/11/2010 06:07 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 475

You deserved it 3 108

24/04/2013 02:01 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 393

You deserved it 4 655

22/01/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 968

You deserved it 3 178

17/07/2013 10:06 - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 921

You deserved it 6 654

Thanks mom, you're the best

By prego - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 736

You deserved it 4 869

17/08/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 389

You deserved it 3 220

Getting wet, but not in the good way

By Boyufd - 28/06/2020 02:02

Today, it's been the fourth day in the row my pregnant girlfriend peed the bed. It's also the fourth day I have to clean it since she's too embarrassed to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 367

17/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I love dearly because he doesn't share his feelings and won't commit. Yesterday, he wrote me a long love letter telling me he wanted to marry me. One of my kids had shoved it under my printer and I didn't find it until after he had moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 005

You deserved it 11 510

Get on with it!

By Crapped - 10/06/2021 20:01

Today, I shat myself, all because my little sister spent two hours trying to make a Tik Tok video in the one bathroom we have in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 130

31/07/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 026

You deserved it 100

20/01/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Spicy

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 016

You deserved it 4 519

31/03/2016 01:09 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 989

You deserved it 2 102

09/06/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 967

You deserved it 6 303

10/10/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I made the decision to quit smoking while I was driving in my car. So I took my pack, crushed it and threw it out the window. I felt triumphant about this change I was making in my life, until the cop I didn't know was behind me gave me a ticket for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 965

You deserved it 45 952

29/07/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 123

You deserved it 62 063

03/06/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 264

You deserved it 2 683

08/03/2015 14:41 - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 575

You deserved it 3 531

15/01/2017 16:00

Today, my 6 brothers and I (a girl) were finally finding out the sex of my mom's baby. It's going to be another boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 415

You deserved it 764

24/07/2010 05:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 629

You deserved it 6 853

15/01/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 731

You deserved it 2 785

26/04/2017 12:00

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 640

You deserved it 363

21/05/2017 14:00

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 682

You deserved it 414

21/09/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I decided I would call in sick to work after working 60 hours the week before just so I could have a day off... My body responded this morning with vomiting and diarrhea so I had to call in sick and didn't get to have much fun... Karma 1 Me 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 715

You deserved it 11 283

22/09/2014 17:41 - United States - Mckinney

Today, I got yelled at by a bleeding-heart hippy in the restroom for using paper towels. Apparently I'm a "tree-hating, paper-wasting bitch". I had a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 488

You deserved it 3 083

16/02/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 362

You deserved it 14 382

07/10/2016 07:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out after $200 worth of checks and tests, three rugs being ruined from her peeing and pooping on them, that my cat isn't sick. She just has really bad separation anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 311

You deserved it 1 156

21/02/2017 12:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 527

You deserved it 3 146

06/12/2010 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 907

You deserved it 27 114

22/07/2009 20:06 - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 139

You deserved it 68 515

19/07/2009 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 124

You deserved it 4 917

05/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 860

You deserved it 508

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Top comments

xiar 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:19

you were vagina blocked

syki 22

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:24

I believe the correct term is "snatchlatched."

Comments

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:18

Wooow

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:20

Hey look I got first comment. Now I wish I'd put something more constructive...

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:28

He should have just joined in! Win-win-win.

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:36

the way she writes it she makes it sound so calm. like he quietly picked her up put her outside and went back inside.

EugeneFancypants 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:46

Pictures or it didn't happen.

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:26

drugs

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:41

Don't worry, I sell those cheap :)

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Monday 14 February 2011 5:19

Dibs

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Monday 14 February 2011 6:54

If you 'just say no' can I have yours?

Monday 14 February 2011 0:18

ew

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:45

Ew? What's wrong with you? Lesbian sex is hot!

MissFukMyLuck 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:58

second that sir!!

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Monday 14 February 2011 1:19

says the girl.

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:58

His pic is of spongebob. obviously not to old

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Monday 14 February 2011 4:25

and my pic is not spongebob??

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Monday 14 February 2011 5:45

depends if op is hot

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:03

ah #25 are you the same one on twitter with that pic as your profile pic? :D

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:44

Everyone has their own opinion on this n that's all good n gravy but me.....I prefer men cause a female could not satisfy me like a man could. Oh n if anyone is thinkin of tellin me thats y there r dildos....um no the real thing is waaayyyy better.

xiar 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:19

you were vagina blocked

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:25

not this time...

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:25

re reads :L

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:25

hahahaha indeed

Alexxcunningham 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 1:22

twat swatted

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Monday 14 February 2011 2:00

I like to call it a beaver dam.

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Monday 14 February 2011 2:38

63 Nice lol I'm using that now

megamandude455 10

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:08

i would've said "a cat that didn't get her fill"? either that, or cat-blocked.

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:55

twat swatted

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:25

lol!!

Emilyinroom483 7

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:30

My preferred term is "vajected."

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:32

vagina blocked hahahaha

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:11

Actually the correct literary term would be "finger-blocked." The term "vagina-blocked" would mean she would be blocked from inserting her vagina into a vagina. Other terms that could work for this situation are "fist-blocked" and "dildo-blocked".

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:26

or maybe strap-snatched?

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:30

#189 y u gotta b a party pooper!?? geeezzz the comment was funny the way she put it. Its not funny when u try to get all "literary term" on it.

EugeneFancypants 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:19

Nice.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:24

why do I find this hilarious?? ;D fyl op

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:49

haha you are awesome

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Monday 14 February 2011 5:51

so awesome you needed to say it twice!

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Monday 14 February 2011 6:18

so what does "op" mean?

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Monday 14 February 2011 6:40

orgasmic penis!

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:58

Overweight pears

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:13

Original Poster. In forums, the guy who created a thread. On FML, the poster of the FML being commented upon.

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:51

haha you are awesome

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:51

haha you are awesome

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Monday 14 February 2011 9:02

vajected, strap-snatched, finger-blocked.

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Monday 14 February 2011 9:10

wat

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:24

why do I find this hilarious?? ;D fyl op

syki 22

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:24

I believe the correct term is "snatchlatched."

PmbnsangCallBoy 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:45

this!

blahblahblah5_x 13

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:29

ROFL sorry but that is hilarious.

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:31

I would have joined in just saying

leprachaun405 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:46

I believe I would have gone with a threesome.... yes I do believe so

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Monday 14 February 2011 5:36

three way all the way. he must of been a 30sec man Lmfao

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Monday 14 February 2011 0:31

girl on girl is hawt ;3

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Monday 14 February 2011 2:50

eww!!

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Monday 14 February 2011 3:45

it's not Ew. he's right, it's very hot.

MissFukMyLuck 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 4:10

lol that's why women get paid lots to be filmed doing it! it's natural. not gross. *turn me on some pay per view son!!!!!*

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Monday 14 February 2011 7:36

I'm a girl, I'm straight, yet lesbian porn turns me on :3

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Monday 14 February 2011 8:45

not if they are ugly

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 4

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 59

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 149