Intimacy: Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told...

By pineapple456 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

60405

You deserved it

17907

Favorite

Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Thanks for the support

Great start to the day

By Monday - Australia

Today, I was terribly nervous for my patient interview exam as a 4th year medical student. In my nervousness I learned that just because a patient is wearing a T-shirt and shorts, has a short hair cut and a moustache and is named 'Chris', it is not safe to assume that they are male. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35831

You deserved it

4454

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10994

You deserved it

41893

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

521

You deserved it

2575

Favorite

By MenstruallyFrustrated - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64813

You deserved it

6172

Favorite

By tallguy - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50474

You deserved it

4380

Favorite

By sassy_girl144 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25337

You deserved it

6221

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26929

You deserved it

3523

Favorite

By Meow - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57164

You deserved it

4868

Favorite

By Mayshod

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32136

You deserved it

2791

Favorite

By PISSED OFF - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13760

You deserved it

47560

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16094

You deserved it

1067

Favorite

By potassiumgirl - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11988

You deserved it

38655

Favorite

By Michelle - Australia - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50602

You deserved it

5600

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26440

You deserved it

2947

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4529

You deserved it

496

Favorite

By Anon - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21567

You deserved it

9060

Favorite

By yes i meant ex-boyfriend - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56279

You deserved it

5771

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35000

You deserved it

2959

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, to get my mind off being single, I texted some friends. The first one was going out tonight to work things out with her ex, the second told me about his amazing new girlfriend, and the third replied an hour later with, "Sorry, I was having sex when you texted me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2004

You deserved it

220

Favorite

By Rachael - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24021

You deserved it

1858

Favorite

By saywhat - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18208

You deserved it

39583

Favorite

By lonelyandcold - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27473

You deserved it

1826

Favorite

By jakethemuss - Australia - Perth

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48831

You deserved it

6704

Favorite

By Happyforeverx - United Arab Emirates

Today, I kept restarting my internet, wondering why I wasn't receiving any messages from my friends. Then I realized they were all ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30208

You deserved it

8740

Favorite

By WestboroBC - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7413

You deserved it

72186

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41940

You deserved it

4065

Favorite

By talker - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10498

You deserved it

22923

Favorite

By Walker Alldredge - 15/9/2020 00:02 - United States - Ogden

Out of it

Today, I was recently diagnosed with mononucleosis. This means that I'm really tired. I had been planning a trip with my sister and my cousin, but I didn’t wake up this morning at 7 because of the Mono, and they didn’t bother to wake me up. They went without me, to all my favorite places, leaving me at home with nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1897

You deserved it

472

Favorite

By PeePee - United States

Today, at work I had to use the bathroom. I asked my boss to watch my register and quickly walked into the bathroom. I squatted down and peed. A minute later I heard someone ask over our walkie talkie system who was using the bathroom. I had been pressing the intercom button while I peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35798

You deserved it

13304

Favorite

By hugme101 - Canada

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30977

You deserved it

9659

Favorite

By brick - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2091

You deserved it

3018

Favorite

By Byron fiddles - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24974

You deserved it

56510

Favorite

By lonely - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14553

You deserved it

46433

Favorite

By Hmmmm - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21521

You deserved it

2875

Favorite

By Jim

Today, I was walking to the bus for my first day at my new school. I tripped in the darkness and split my chin open and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3250

You deserved it

257

Favorite

By Out Ran - United States

Today, while running, I sped up to show off for a cute female runner I'd seen before up ahead. I passed her and not more than a minute later she sprints past me. I couldn't catch up. She not only out ran me, but waited to tell me it was a 'nice try'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8817

You deserved it

34804

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4571

You deserved it

381

Favorite

By icanthearyou - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44962

You deserved it

4001

Favorite

By SingleGirl - United Kingdom

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84929

You deserved it

4202

Favorite

By bushwhacker - United States - Wichita

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29665

You deserved it

3286

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By darkblue_13 | 0

#561508 - Sunday 13 September 2009 23:35

I'm with the girl in this FML here, I hate it when i'm just making out with a guy, having fun, and he assumes that I want to have sex with him

By Z33F | 2

#4879291 - Friday 31 August 2012 5:54

Youre a dick.

COMMENTS

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2786 - Monday 16 February 2009 23:57

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

haha
ha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

By Hoff | 0

#2791 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:14

hope you kicked her out of the apartment.

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#2798 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Z33F | 2

#4879291 - Friday 31 August 2012 5:54

Youre a dick.

By no_problems | 0

#2840 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:12

haha #17, i was thinkin the same thing, except i was aiming for butch lesbian, who's favorite food is seafood, specifically clams.

By xhoodiegirl | 0

#2918 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:21

LOLOLOL

By Rayn4u_fml | 0

#2922 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:55

Please define "hooking up".

By 8ranko | 0

#3091 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 22:47

man i feel so sorry for you ._.

since 15 i know that ALWAYS WAIT FOR THEM TO MAKE THE DAMN QUESTION!!!...damn

By alwaysalady | 0

#3825 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:19

well that's what you get for being presumtuious.

By joyride | 0

#12273 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 7:34

Epicly funny.

But, that's embarassing for you.

By budsmoker | 0

#19122 - Saturday 7 March 2009 2:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

uprising_fml | 0

#3114026 - Monday 15 August 2011 19:19

you are an asshole an a fucking Neanderthal. I hope you eat shit and die.
that girl has a right to say no and OP is dumb if he EVER assumes a girl will sleep with him .

OPIAF | 5

#6039350 - Saturday 16 August 2014 11:30

#38 should DIE because of a casual comment?

OP should be an eternal virgin because?
Oh yeah that's international punishment for wanting sex sorry I forgot.