Intimacy: Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told...

By pineapple456 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mother of the year

Simping

By Anonymous - 1/6/2021 11:01 - United States - Manchester

Nepotism rules

Today, I got notice that I didn't get the new position I applied for at work. After two interviews, pay negotiation and paperwork, as well as years of giving this place all my time, I found out my boss gave it to his friend's daughter, who has no experience or credentials needed for the position. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Girls will be girls

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She had her whole hand in me kind of deep. It was hitting everything inside me and triggered me to poop a little bit, on her arm and the bed. FML

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791

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By Chris Chandler

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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2302

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By Miserable person

Choosing Beggars

Today, after spending 5+ hours of my life painting a portrait of someone's cat for them, I finally finished it, perfect condition, no mistakes. I was supposed to be paid 300 bucks for it. Got 50 bucks because it was too "vibrant." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gournay-sur-marne

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML

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26938

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

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By Anonymous

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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1798

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By Scarlett - United States

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

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By Singleton - Canada

Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was making an effort to avoid a certain topic. Later my 5 year old cousin gives me a nice hand drawn card of me and my boyfriend. Apparently no one had the heart to tell her my boyfriend had broken up with me on my birthday. FML

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By thatisfuckedup - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

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56341

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By loser doctor - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

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26010

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to say "Put away your burrito," "that ruler is not a light saber," and "stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

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35986

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By susan - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

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26344

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By kristine29 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview I scheduled 3 weeks ago. I spent $200 on a new suit to really impress them and practised like crazy every imaginable question they could ask. They already had filled the position 2 weeks ago and forgot to inform me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By me - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

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29429

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2021 11:59 - China - Shanghai

Lonely, so lonely

Today, I realised that my social anxiety, fear of people's judgment, social isolation, you name it, have got so bad that I literally have no interests. It got to such a point that I even have nothing to search up in the internet, so I just stare at an empty browser page wondering what should I do with my life. FML

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799

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By Keegan O - 16/3/2021 05:01

Ouch

Today, I was cleaning out the crawlspace and set a mousetrap off with my testicles. FML

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1084

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By soapisyourfriend - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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19821

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By ouchhhh

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

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By so so old now - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By jkim - United States - San Diego

Flying high

Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three Percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML

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43713

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By retainer - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

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By weddingblues - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

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40499

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By Author - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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49274

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, my boyfriend asked me to start using a period tracker app so I can tell him which week of each month he needs to "stay the hell away" from me. FML

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23957

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

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58824

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By Gangnam - Sweden - Bromma

Today, while at a red light, a guy in a tux and sunglasses doing the Gangnam Style passed over the crossing, followed by a man with a video camera. This isn't the first time I've stopped for people doing a Gangnam Style parody. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

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28778

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By immaturity all around - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By ladytyy - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

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30115

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By aragmir - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5652

You deserved it

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By Cassidy - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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13293

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By jll14 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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42536

You deserved it

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By Abyssal - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45028

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By Rubyscooby212 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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35267

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By ugly5402 - United States

Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

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20235

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By dine and DASH our friendship

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

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5298

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Top comments

By darkblue_13 | 0

#561508 - Sunday 13 September 2009 23:35

I'm with the girl in this FML here, I hate it when i'm just making out with a guy, having fun, and he assumes that I want to have sex with him

By Z33F | 2

#4879291 - Friday 31 August 2012 5:54

Youre a dick.

COMMENTS

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2786 - Monday 16 February 2009 23:57

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

haha
ha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

By Hoff | 0

#2791 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:14

hope you kicked her out of the apartment.

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#2798 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:43

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Z33F | 2

#4879291 - Friday 31 August 2012 5:54

Youre a dick.

By no_problems | 0

#2840 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:12

haha #17, i was thinkin the same thing, except i was aiming for butch lesbian, who's favorite food is seafood, specifically clams.

By xhoodiegirl | 0

#2918 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:21

LOLOLOL

By Rayn4u_fml | 0

#2922 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:55

Please define "hooking up".

By 8ranko | 0

#3091 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 22:47

man i feel so sorry for you ._.

since 15 i know that ALWAYS WAIT FOR THEM TO MAKE THE DAMN QUESTION!!!...damn

By alwaysalady | 0

#3825 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:19

well that's what you get for being presumtuious.

By joyride | 0

#12273 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 7:34

Epicly funny.

But, that's embarassing for you.

By budsmoker | 0

#19122 - Saturday 7 March 2009 2:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

uprising_fml | 0

#3114026 - Monday 15 August 2011 19:19

you are an asshole an a fucking Neanderthal. I hope you eat shit and die.
that girl has a right to say no and OP is dumb if he EVER assumes a girl will sleep with him .

OPIAF | 5

#6039350 - Saturday 16 August 2014 11:30

#38 should DIE because of a casual comment?

OP should be an eternal virgin because?
Oh yeah that's international punishment for wanting sex sorry I forgot.