Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party... - FML

By totallymyfaultyeah

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

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Instadrama

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Always ask for documentation

By Anonymous

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Takanini

Today, I went to the doctor's after over a week of feeling extremely tired and having headaches. His advice? "When I'm tired I drink coffee. You should drink coffee." Somehow, I don't think that was worth $60. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

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By samantha - United States

Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML

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By thatsucks4u - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

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By dripdripdrop - United States

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

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By anon - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By "breemonster"

Today, I got an email notification. I opened up my email, and found m4m craigslist add responses. My boyfriend used my phone to login to his email yesterday. FML

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By seriously! - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

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By WhyDoINeedAName - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

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By Alexis - United States

Today, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and told me that if I wanted to join the Lingerie Football League, I would have his approval. His drunken friends nodded in agreement. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By anti-drugs - United Kingdom

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

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By Eric Ngan - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

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By mugres22 - United States - Pacoima

Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided to let one rip while in the stall. When she came out she gave me a dirty look of disgust and said, "At least wait until I leave." She and I were the only ones in the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, due to plumbing issues, I had to choose between a goosebump-inducing cold or skin-blistering hot shower. This is the 7th day in a row. My husband says it shouldn't be more than another week before he "gets it figured out". FML

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By gbabyy - United States

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

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By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

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By SeeingLlamas - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

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By cjgreer70 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By YOUNG1441 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 17:00

The student becomes the master

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

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By lukas - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

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By StinkFoot

Today, I was pet sitting for a friend. As soon as I walked in the door, I stepped in dog poop. I took off my shoes to clean them, then stepped in cat pee in my socks. FML

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By JillianJuneBug - United States - Elmira

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

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By Anonymous

(facepalm)

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By Anonymous - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

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By Rory - Canada - Toronto

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7496286 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:44

People have fucked-up priorities. Icing on the insurance card is not important in an accident like this! The truly important thing is:

What are the people at the party supposed to do without cake? They came expecting cake and you failed them. How are they supposed to carry on?

By rlocicero | 21

#7496261 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:25

nobody likes you when you're 23

COMMENTS

By Max Curry | 6

#7496255 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:13

did she wish it was vanilla?

By rlocicero | 21

#7496261 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:25

nobody likes you when you're 23

By RichardPencil | 28

#7496286 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:44

People have fucked-up priorities. Icing on the insurance card is not important in an accident like this! The truly important thing is:

What are the people at the party supposed to do without cake? They came expecting cake and you failed them. How are they supposed to carry on?

Reply

arioch_fml | 18

#7496343 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:26

The cake is a lie, they never had any hopes of getting any.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7496346 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:31

Oh, they had hopes! Hope for cake is all they had.

The OP probably ate the entire cake himself (I like to do that on my birthday...or Saturday) and made up the car crash story to elicit sympathy and deflect the scorn of stealing everyone's cake-hope.

By Maleficus_fml | 12

#7496321 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:09

You should have shoved the rest of that cake in her face. just don't get anymore on the card though

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7496326 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:13

If you bought your own cake and it ended up in your lap when you got rear-ended, were you already eating it on the way to your party with your tv and your cat?

Reply

JoviRose | 11

#7497241 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 19:38

Or maybe it was sitting on the dashboard. I don't understand how it managed to get on her lap from being rear-ended. Something smells fishy...

By Genos115 | 15

#7496331 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:16

You getting there should have been a cake walk

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7496368 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:53

call the cops on them...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7496431 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:37

I hope she isn't injured too bad..... after you ripped her a new asshole.

By corky1992 | 33

#7496437 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:42

happy birthday to you lol

By TashaCantrell | 16

#7496529 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 8:56

I think I would be interested to know as to why you brought your own birthday cake to your own party.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7497058 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 16:58

Maybe OP is the one who planned the party.