Transportation: Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party... - FML

By totallymyfaultyeah

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

By showerstupid - United States

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Envy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

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By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pulaski

Really?

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

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By coffeeshopgirl - United Kingdom

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

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By sigh - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

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By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By GrossedOutKary - Puerto Rico

Today, after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. Welcome to the neighborhood! FML

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By Akashi - 22/7/2020 14:00

Nutfirecracker

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and his legs were on my lap. We heard a loud firework from somewhere outside our window, we both jumped and I felt the pain of him kicking me in the nuts. FML

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By FailBear - United States

Today, I found a guy getting out of my car with my GPS. He started running and I chased him. We eventually reached a dead end and he gave it back to me. I took it back from him and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By ew - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 20:01

Neuter your pets

Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML

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By justanaccount - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

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By KD - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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By Karin - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

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By NoSacredSpace

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

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By afraidofcans - United States - Stafford

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

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By uni life - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 11:01

Judgmental

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

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By Ashton Sprunger - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

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By MegahnDN - United States

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

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By hunta331

Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML

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By illenram06 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, my very conservative mom met my girlfriend, who recently shaved her head in support of her best friend, who has cancer. My girlfriend looks beautiful and feminine even with her still very short hair. My mom, however, keeps insisting that I'm dating "a confused transgender". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would tell my mom I'm not going to marry my fiancé because it just didn't feel right, only to walk into my own surprise engagement party. FML

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By Makeitdance - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By Sunshine.0.ninja - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

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By Done - 24/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Go vegan

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan and threw all of MY meats, cheeses, chocolates and even beans for some reason in the trash, because he "doesn't need that kind of toxic waste" in his life. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

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By King7 - Pakistan

Today, I got on a treadmill for the first time. I was running at a very high speed. I needed a break but didn't know how to get off. I decided to just let the machine take me to the edge so I could get off. I was thrown off the treadmill and landed with my happy sacks crashing into a dumbbell. FML

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By Sleepless in Juneau - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

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By carey33 - 4/6/2020 14:15

Quite the catch

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

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By sproket

Today, the maintenance man 'fixed' a leak in my apartment by flooding the place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

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By Waitingtomoveout

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7496286 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:44

People have fucked-up priorities. Icing on the insurance card is not important in an accident like this! The truly important thing is:

What are the people at the party supposed to do without cake? They came expecting cake and you failed them. How are they supposed to carry on?

By rlocicero | 21

#7496261 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:25

nobody likes you when you're 23

COMMENTS

By Max Curry | 6

#7496255 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:13

did she wish it was vanilla?

By rlocicero | 21

#7496261 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:25

nobody likes you when you're 23

By RichardPencil | 30

#7496286 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 5:44

People have fucked-up priorities. Icing on the insurance card is not important in an accident like this! The truly important thing is:

What are the people at the party supposed to do without cake? They came expecting cake and you failed them. How are they supposed to carry on?

Reply

arioch_fml | 20

#7496343 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:26

The cake is a lie, they never had any hopes of getting any.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7496346 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:31

Oh, they had hopes! Hope for cake is all they had.

The OP probably ate the entire cake himself (I like to do that on my birthday...or Saturday) and made up the car crash story to elicit sympathy and deflect the scorn of stealing everyone's cake-hope.

By Maleficus_fml | 12

#7496321 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:09

You should have shoved the rest of that cake in her face. just don't get anymore on the card though

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7496326 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:13

If you bought your own cake and it ended up in your lap when you got rear-ended, were you already eating it on the way to your party with your tv and your cat?

Reply

JoviRose | 11

#7497241 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 19:38

Or maybe it was sitting on the dashboard. I don't understand how it managed to get on her lap from being rear-ended. Something smells fishy...

By Genos115 | 15

#7496331 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:16

You getting there should have been a cake walk

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7496368 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 6:53

call the cops on them...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7496431 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:37

I hope she isn't injured too bad..... after you ripped her a new asshole.

By corky1992 | 33

#7496437 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:42

happy birthday to you lol

By TashaCantrell | 16

#7496529 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 8:56

I think I would be interested to know as to why you brought your own birthday cake to your own party.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7497058 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 16:58

Maybe OP is the one who planned the party.