Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right?...

By NoComparison - 14/5/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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Miscellaneous

Capitalism kills

Toxic parents

The end of the road

By Bliggins - 28/11/2012 03:08 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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By GingerJ - 2/1/2012 01:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By low_expectations - 18/10/2020 02:08 - United States - New York

Parental guilt

Today, my mother tried guilt-tripping me about coming home for the holidays by explaining that, “according to average life expectancy,” she and my father could be dead in the next 10-25 years. I’m already coming home for the holidays. She knows this. FML

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By Flutie - 27/10/2017 22:00

Today, I went to a haunted house with my fiancé. A few minutes in, I saw someone following us so I turned and screamed. She ran off and my fiancé explained that she wasn't an actor, just a lady with a pigment disorder. I can never go back there again. FML

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By JpL - 25/4/2019 02:00

Today, I asked my Instagram followers out of curiosity who their favourite influencer was. Someone replied, without knowing it doesn’t come up anonymously, “Not you.” FML

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By FingerBang - 21/10/2009 06:32 - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 20:01

Reliable

Today, aside from clearing out my bank accounts and having an affair, the kicker was finding out my fiancé planned on taking himself and his mistress to Cancun for his birthday, while I would be attending the Marine Corps boot camp. FML

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By fmlxxxx - 23/9/2009 13:15 - New Zealand

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

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By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/5/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

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By Fuck - 25/2/2015 21:39 - United States - Fowler

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML

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By Fmycatslife - 26/7/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:00 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2012 05:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2013 12:20 - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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By psychopumpkin - 13/5/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

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By Noname - 8/2/2009 07:39 - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By coolhand - 29/8/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML

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By A. Person - 7/4/2010 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

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By me - 6/9/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, I met some of my boyfriend's family for the first time. His aunt said I was really cute, which made me happy. As we were leaving I said "Your aunt thought I was cute." His reply..."Yeah, well, my aunt's on drugs". FML

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By MyLife - 6/2/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

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By NoFriends - 28/11/2016 02:28 - Australia

Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML

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By walken away - 25/6/2020 23:00

Nice choice

Today I had the dirtiest, kinkiest, most vividly realistic sex dream of my life. I was getting it on with Christopher Walken. FML

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By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

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By Kitty_Gem - 27/8/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my mother told me I should think about quitting school. She explained that the reason was because she didn't want me to be more successful than my older sisters. FML

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By that kind of girl - 2/4/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By homewrecker - 8/11/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

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By Vahootie - 3/3/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

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By jack - 15/6/2016 09:56 - France - Ajaccio

Today, I invited the girl I like out for a meal. She replied, “Sorry, I already have plans”. I asked her what they were. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.” FML

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By nooooo - 17/3/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By Shoutout1011 - 15/4/2017 22:00

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

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By Mayrose125 - 29/11/2016 07:32

Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML

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By ... - 2/1/2012 06:45 - United States

Today, I found out that, after offering to fill out my student aid application for me, my mother sent all of my personal information to a scam site instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2014 18:49 - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 13:30

Today, a man easily 30 years older than me said hi in a bar, but I didn’t engage. Apparently that meant "Please rub your junk on my leg." FML

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Top comments

By mf_fml | 0

#197598 - Thursday 14 May 2009 10:48

"prestigious, right?" kinda killed it.

By harro1337 | 0

#197591 - Thursday 14 May 2009 10:44

at least you got into Harvard

COMMENTS

By Cheatx | 0

#197578 - Thursday 14 May 2009 10:39

I think Danny's gonna win.

OmgGuessWhatChic | 0

#877694 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:00

Penis is good

mackenzieex3 | 0

#1244339 - Sunday 15 August 2010 8:04

Kris won :D he touched my hand at a concert :3

El_patron | 0

#1508385 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 20:10

fail

stopreadingmynam | 0

#1583426 - Friday 22 October 2010 1:48

Adam shouldve won. he lost cause of the motherfuckers who hate gay people

franniedottp | 8

#2404983 - Monday 25 April 2011 23:28

gah that didn't let me like ur comment

EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6364729 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 0:59

Adam definitely should have won! You're exactly right. It's supposed to be about TALENT. Not what someone chooses to do with their OWN BODY in their OWN TIME. Makes me so fucking angry he lost.