By 1940s wants their attitude back - 29/9/2020 20:01 - United States

Thanks ma

Today, I excitedly told my mom how I got accepted to the master’s program of my dreams. She decided now would be a good time to proudly repeat for the millionth time how she gave up a full ride to the Ivy League to marry my father, and I ought to be a "good woman" and do the same. FML

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Mother of the year

Thanks for the support

Moving day, grandma

By MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY - United States

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

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By Deployed - United States - San Diego

Great surprise

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

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By confused - 9/2/2021 02:00 - United States

Oh, the patriarchy

Today, a coworker grabbed my ass for the third time. I went to my boss to complain about the sexual harassment. He told me to suck it up and enjoy the attention, and that it was my fault for having a huge, round ass. I think it's time for a new job. FML

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By miji

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By nicooolea - United States

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

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By need sleep - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

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By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, on more than one occasion, I was mistaken for my boyfriend's mother, by his own family. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By pimpdaddyX - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By mjayne17 - Canada

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles, when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the bus heading home from school, when I noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me, checking me out. I was about to say something charmingly funny when I suddenly got a whiff of onions. Turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart. FML

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By XxespoxX - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I decided to climb up on a shelf and pounce on him when he came back downstairs. When I heard someone coming, I assumed it was him and pounced. It was his grandma carrying the laundry. FML

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By Jaws - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

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By Faktafem

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 02:01

Working from home rules!

Today, my husband said a cheery, "Hi!" to me after 4 hours of nonstop Zoom calls. I spun around happily and greeted him back. Turns out he just joined another Zoom call. FML

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By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 23/12/2020 22:58

Slow

Today, my fiancé told me he loved me just the way I am. But admitted he wished he had met me before my head injury that made me "slow." FML

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By tedfragle - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

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By Erica - Australia - Sydney

Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose ‘to prove that she’s responsible’. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

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By Veryfunny - Australia

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

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By Callie - 6/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Jimin causing drama time!

Today, my daughter got mad at me for saying I didn't really get the appeal of Kpop. She went off at me, saying that I should "stan BTS" or something to that effect. She's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By ThirdWheelHell - United States - Farmville

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

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By a_dani365 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

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By jaymash - United States

Today, I was giving a PowerPoint presentation in class. When I put my flash drive into the computer, my folder opened up and a nude picture of myself popped right up on a 110 inch projector screen for all 35 students to see. This is a 16 week course. FML

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By locksmack - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

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By Rachel - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

We are legion

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

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By Hello - United States

Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Findlay

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a diet coke?" FML

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By kennedygeeee - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

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Top comments

By bobsanction | 16

#7941717 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 5:46

Tell her you don't want to marry your father.

By Bogrbon | 22

#7941718 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 5:49

Well-behaved women seldom make history. Screw her, and live your life. You can get married and do grad school if you want, and you sure as hell can not get married, and stay single and do grad school if that’s your preference.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7941714 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 5:18

Tell your mom, "That was then, this is now."

How old is your mom? 80?

By Nicole NikNak Padilla | 5

#7941716 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 5:34

You are your own individual, who in no way, shape, or form, needs to abide by her demand. How dare she even say that! Goes to show that she’s thinking of only herself & living through you.

By bobsanction | 16

#7941717 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 5:46

Tell her you don't want to marry your father.

Reply

Ambrily | 27

#7941869 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 20:29

I love you

By Bogrbon | 22

#7941718 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 5:49

Well-behaved women seldom make history. Screw her, and live your life. You can get married and do grad school if you want, and you sure as hell can not get married, and stay single and do grad school if that’s your preference.

Reply

cdebussy | 1

#7941894 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 22:56

this is my favorite response ever

By spinspinsugar | 10

#7941863 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 20:07

ok, well was a hundred years ago when women were "expected" to do that. you do you, girl!

By nemcali | 34

#7941909 - Thursday 1 October 2020 1:45

Tell her that if she were such a good and successful girl, she would have accomplished both a career and a family.

By Rosemarie Townsend | 13

#7941927 - Thursday 1 October 2020 6:23

What a small, selfish, envious person she is. Blows my mind that a parent can’t be happy about that. She doesn’t deserve you!