Health: Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so...

By .. - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

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27153

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Health

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

There's no helping some people

Masked Singer

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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37252

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By Blank - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

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41428

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4127

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By soannoyed - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

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41609

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By anon - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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21712

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1904

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By fatandsad - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27011

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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74891

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By its_all_legit - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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18436

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By saddude - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

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26290

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By Wtf

Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML

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24678

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

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68315

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By tcm123 - United States - Champaign

Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML

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25341

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By Good tenant - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

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2332

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By ninjawhat1337 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friends house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML

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26581

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By seriouslystupid - United States

Today, I got it on for the first time with a guy I've been dating. He had to turn the TV up loud so that his mom couldn't hear anything. I'm 20 years old and I lost my virginity with Disney Channel blaring in the background. FML

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15464

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By jordy1995 - United States

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

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39342

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By dogs_and_toucans - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63487

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By NowBroke - United Kingdom - Malmesbury

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

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25500

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1822

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By noway - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

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47824

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5284

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By Sua - Canada - Calgary

Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML

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48238

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46896

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By princess

Today, I accidentally touched a hot pan and, like any normal person would, jerked my hand back. My mom saw, yelled at me for being a "prissy princess" and then proceeded to stick her whole hand on the hot pan for a full 5 seconds. FML

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2879

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By blocked - United States

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

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27533

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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25210

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4337

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By anomynous - 5/4/2021 05:00

Freaked out

Today, my workplace replaced all of the toilets in the store with automatic toilets. I have an anxiety disorder, and I can't use them. FML

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701

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308

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By lohandork - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

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7140

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 17:01

Just a prank, dad

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

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1446

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136

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By Chanman1924 - United States

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

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37470

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By something

Today, I was walking home from school and my stupid brother who comes earlier then me locked the storm door. I ended up trying every other door for 3 hours in below freezing temperature. I was numb everywhere. I rang the bell and my brother opened it. He was home the whole time. FML

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1307

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By anon - United States

Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used bandaid in it. FML

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21753

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1339

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By WTTFFFF - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

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51716

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By Anonymous

Curiosity!

Today, I got curious and decided to look for my ex's social media after he blocked me off everything. I found him on LinkedIn and it is only after I click on his profile that I remembered, he will be notified that I looked him up. FML

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544

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By mistletoe - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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54809

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By NaomiMadison - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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39986

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

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27983

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

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28989

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By "doyouwantmedead" - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I asked my mom if I could go to a friend's birthday. She said no, claiming I had been to too many this year already. I'd only been to one. It was my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4241

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209

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By ShamefulShoop

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3463

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By nurse4life - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5763

You deserved it

482

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By urinanalysis - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29285

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By 11niko - United States

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

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23994

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Top comments

By ironik970 | 13

#3283689 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:54

Don't ask what the hole was for...

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3283683 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

Thumbs up for this one.

COMMENTS

By jerome1995 | 4

#3283678 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

Epic fail is a fail.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3283802 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:14

Should've used an EasyBake

VVeetard | 8

#3283825 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:19

Wow. I feel so enlightened. Thanks, #1.

crazychick1269 | 7

#3283851 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:26

#16 hahahah so true

Naomimi_fml | 6

#3283978 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 20:00

Know your memes, children.

poostool | 5

#3284210 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:15

It's the oven mitt fucking hole. Yuuummmm

FFPulley | 9

#3284274 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:42

Poke a hole in your roommate's contraceptives. That'll show'em!!!

freelove_fml | 2

#3284528 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:53

Poke a hole in your roommate.

EvilPotato | 14

#3284782 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:36

Should gave taken the time to find yours, trust and use only yours stuff.

Christianrules | 1

#3296167 - Friday 16 September 2011 2:31

Obviously a fail is a fail... Why must you repeat yourself?

By this_female | 0

#3283680 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

hahaha!

flockz | 19

#3283896 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:37

that comment #2... i see what you did there..

i dont think many other people will catch it though so for everyone who didnt, she laughed alot.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3284504 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:50

I don't get it either

13FTW | 9

#3285157 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:47

Ah, flockz, I too see what #2 did there as well. Do you care to enlighten the others? Or do wish me to do it?

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3283683 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

Thumbs up for this one.

NabbdjuretPerry | 0

#3284311 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:57

..and thumbs down for this one...

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3286908 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 6:21

You two are thumbs prophets!

By aliadnan708 | 6

#3283685 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:54

Ouch

chulamami916 | 6

#3283921 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:44

Ouch is right, I hate getting burnt. OP should try cool aloe vera, and just wrapping the wound with a damp cloth. Not really much else, once its burnt its burnt. Just try to make it as comfortable as you can until it heals.

GrooveSponge | 0

#3284465 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

Somehow I read vagina in your comment somewhere...anyways, I feel for you OP! Burns are super annoying, especially when they grow into a big, juicy blister. Yum!