Health: Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so...

By .. - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Thanks, I'm cured!

Family matters

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

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By caesarinozeppeli

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

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By lefthandspanker - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

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By ADT - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Can't get no…

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

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By kmang33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

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By blink_kid - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By Username - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I visited my dad. He gave the, "You live under my roof, you follow my rules" lecture since I didn't do my "chores". I moved out 3 years ago. FML

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By AnAngryyGiraffe - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By zep - United States

Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

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By getting real crafty.. - United States - Sanford

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

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28956

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By Exil - United States

Today, I had to call patients that we hadn't seen in a long time. Most of them were dead. FML

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By Dickhead - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

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By Married Life 101

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

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2358

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By pleasedontyellatme

Today, my parents finally took me driving after months of me having my permit. I got yelled at for asking questions. I only needed to know which way they wanted me to turn on the next street after they told me to turn, but not which way. FML

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10960

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By sosad

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

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32977

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 05:01

With friends like these…

Today, I told my “best friend” that I'd tested positive for COVID-19. She told me to “chill”. Ten years of friendship and she didn’t even ask if I was OK. FML

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1021

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Nykarleby

Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML

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By Dogsbody

Today, I noticed that my dad scolds me in the same tone of voice that he uses to scold our two dogs. Gives a whole new meaning to being treated like a dog. FML

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By UHM - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML

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By reject - United Kingdom

Today, when taking a group picture with my closest friends, a passing parent congratulated us on getting into the same university for next year. She's wrong. They're all going to Cambridge, except for me. I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked into my flight early. The kiosk asked me if I wanted an earlier flight for $50. Awesome. I swiped my card then continued to the next screen where I was informed my new flight was delayed to the same time as my original flight. FML

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By Sadness - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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38712

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By upyours - 22/5/2020 17:00 - Australia

Leech

Today, after telling my boss that trailing a hand up someone's leg and leering at them constantly is counted as sexual harassment, I got called an "unappreciative little whiny bitch." FML

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1882

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By dudewheresmywheelschicago - United States - Danville

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

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13572

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

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Top comments

By ironik970 | 13

#3283689 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:54

Don't ask what the hole was for...

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3283683 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

Thumbs up for this one.

COMMENTS

By jerome1995 | 4

#3283678 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

Epic fail is a fail.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3283802 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:14

Should've used an EasyBake

VVeetard | 8

#3283825 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:19

Wow. I feel so enlightened. Thanks, #1.

crazychick1269 | 7

#3283851 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:26

#16 hahahah so true

Naomimi_fml | 6

#3283978 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 20:00

Know your memes, children.

poostool | 5

#3284210 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:15

It's the oven mitt fucking hole. Yuuummmm

FFPulley | 9

#3284274 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:42

Poke a hole in your roommate's contraceptives. That'll show'em!!!

freelove_fml | 2

#3284528 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:53

Poke a hole in your roommate.

EvilPotato | 14

#3284782 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:36

Should gave taken the time to find yours, trust and use only yours stuff.

Christianrules | 1

#3296167 - Friday 16 September 2011 2:31

Obviously a fail is a fail... Why must you repeat yourself?

By this_female | 0

#3283680 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

hahaha!

flockz | 19

#3283896 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:37

that comment #2... i see what you did there..

i dont think many other people will catch it though so for everyone who didnt, she laughed alot.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3284504 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:50

I don't get it either

13FTW | 9

#3285157 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:47

Ah, flockz, I too see what #2 did there as well. Do you care to enlighten the others? Or do wish me to do it?

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3283683 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:53

Thumbs up for this one.

NabbdjuretPerry | 0

#3284311 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:57

..and thumbs down for this one...

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3286908 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 6:21

You two are thumbs prophets!

By aliadnan708 | 6

#3283685 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:54

Ouch

chulamami916 | 6

#3283921 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:44

Ouch is right, I hate getting burnt. OP should try cool aloe vera, and just wrapping the wound with a damp cloth. Not really much else, once its burnt its burnt. Just try to make it as comfortable as you can until it heals.

GrooveSponge | 0

#3284465 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

Somehow I read vagina in your comment somewhere...anyways, I feel for you OP! Burns are super annoying, especially when they grow into a big, juicy blister. Yum!