Animals: Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 55

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 021

11/05/2014 22:49

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 215

You deserved it 5 409

There's no helping some people

Vulture

Taking stock

22/01/2014 00:55

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 266

You deserved it 6 174

23/01/2016 01:43

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 510

You deserved it 2 267

14/03/2013 06:21

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 812

You deserved it 5 643

29/08/2016 10:19

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 100

You deserved it 1 018

07/05/2011 00:22

Spicy

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 390

You deserved it 4 678

17/12/2010 16:05

Spicy

Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 577

You deserved it 3 550

17/04/2019 20:00

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I decided to try online gaming, as it's something I've never done before. I already have a creep stalking me because I mentioned I was single and he is a horny virgin. Remind me never to talk about my lack of love life online again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 755

You deserved it 1 128

08/10/2010 16:33

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in every room of the house. It had then rubbed its butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I went to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 745

You deserved it 5 969

04/11/2012 16:37

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 331

You deserved it 30 167

23/09/2014 20:19

Today, we spent an entire day without being able to do work because our internet connection was down. Turns out, only the router had crashed and nobody bothered to reset it "to avoid doing further damage". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 455

You deserved it 3 428

30/01/2015 10:51

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 2 322

29/03/2019 19:00

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 208

22/06/2014 15:10

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 943

You deserved it 3 862

21/09/2015 11:32

Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 694

You deserved it 1 723

20/06/2011 07:37

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 191

You deserved it 39 911

Slasher

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 08:01

Today, I made some burritos when a photo frame fell and smashed over my pan. I'm pretty broke so I thought I got all the glass out of the meat and ate some. I reheated the meat for dinner too and well, I found the glass that time... FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 794

25/06/2015 20:59

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 087

You deserved it 3 358

Scotland and its leccy bills

By ScottishSteak - 27/09/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my local supermarket to get my electricity topped up. Problem is, 2 of the 3 cash machines weren't working. The third was, until I tried to withdraw cash, then nope. The supermarket only accepts cash for meter top ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 97

30/09/2014 02:13

Today, I was flipping out because I couldn't find my wallet, and after several hours of cussing myself out, I went downstairs to make breakfast. I poured cereal into my bowl and my wallet flopped out with the Honey Nut Cheerios. I need to stop drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 324

You deserved it 37 681

26/08/2015 07:45

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 559

You deserved it 3 477

18/08/2009 05:37

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 541

You deserved it 6 406

04/10/2010 06:37

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 585

You deserved it 3 052

22/10/2009 12:30

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 011

You deserved it 3 225

Hello?

By Anonymous - 19/03/2015 05:35

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 484

You deserved it 4 154

Not the golden child

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 03:00

Today, my father retired and made sure to buy both my younger sisters and their partners near new cars. Despite only one having a licence. Then bought the bare minimal definition of a "functioning" car for me, as compensation for paying off the family car on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 81

09/03/2013 06:06

Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 540

You deserved it 3 649

22/05/2015 22:14

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 505

You deserved it 2 103

Love sex

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 05:00

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 040

You deserved it 293

20/09/2011 07:45

Spicy

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 305

You deserved it 6 801

I am very hungry

By I'mSoHungry - 11/01/2020 08:00

Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 178

02/01/2009 05:37

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend saying: "Do you remember last time we slept together?", I answer straight away "Of course I do, it was great!". To which she replies: "I hope you made the most of it: it was the last". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 206

You deserved it 2 681

18/01/2010 12:28

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn't answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I'm in college and also don't live with them anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 077

You deserved it 2 468

31/01/2014 18:46

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 263

You deserved it 3 342

Carl Tuckson

By Anonymous - 30/04/2021 20:04

Today, and until today, I'd never met anyone who took Tucker Carlson's bullshit seriously. Then, tonight, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I managed to bite my tongue, but… FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 273

28/03/2012 06:57

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 136

You deserved it 40 214

22/08/2011 20:34

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 940

You deserved it 3 113

28/10/2011 15:59

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 713

You deserved it 2 783

17/08/2011 23:37

Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 41 704

17/04/2012 00:57

Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 811

You deserved it 2 132

25/04/2016 20:37

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 117

You deserved it 4 631

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:28

Poor bunny :( That's a pretty unique way of asking someone to prom. Usually they use dogs or cats for the note. Did she go to prom with u at least?

kakakarotcake 17

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:28

Your boyfriend should have thought that through. poor rabbit

Comments

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:28

Poor bunny :( That's a pretty unique way of asking someone to prom. Usually they use dogs or cats for the note. Did she go to prom with u at least?

keirissleepy 10

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:36

op was the one being asked to prom by their boyfriend (without gender I cannot clarify if op is male or female though)

Monday 12 May 2014 12:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Monday 12 May 2014 12:46

38 you never know

kingdomgirl94 28

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Monday 12 May 2014 16:01

38 that's a very heteronormative assumption! OP could very well be a gay man. Homosexuality is not a myth :P

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 12 May 2014 16:38

True, but most places are simply not liberal enough that people feel comfortable going to the prom as homosexual pairs. So the heteronormative assumption is probably correct.

anythingmustbe 18

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Monday 12 May 2014 19:51

Fair enough but by law of statistics it was more likely they were a heterosexual couple.

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Monday 12 May 2014 22:12

My prom was on this past Friday, and the prom king's date was his boyfriend.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 13 May 2014 6:28

When your bf was looking confused, was also taking a shit on your doorstep?...

9echo 17

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Tuesday 13 May 2014 15:16

Incoherrentrmblr, you are really living up to your name today, man!

TheMathMajor 26

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Tuesday 13 May 2014 18:17

Younger people get more and more accepting with each generation. I think gay couples would feel comfortable going to prom together at most high schools at this point.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Thursday 15 May 2014 4:56

#96: Thanks, I try :)...

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Friday 23 May 2014 5:00

That's sick Homosexuality is WRONG.

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Sunday 25 May 2014 4:07

I feel like #90 was referring to another FML about a guy following a girl home and shitting on her doorstep because she didn't give him her number. At least, I think that's what he was going for. If not, what the fuck, man?

kakakarotcake 17

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:28

Your boyfriend should have thought that through. poor rabbit

negb 30

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Monday 12 May 2014 15:52

An interesting way to ask someone but I imagine even if there wasn't a dog, the bunny would poop in the house and chew things. OP: "Mom! I just bought my prom dress!" Mom: "Well go return it and give me the money. The baseboards need to be redone and the tv needs new cables."

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Monday 12 May 2014 20:48

i thought the same thing #55, if it was his own place he probably has it bunny proofed, but at someone elses house unsupervised? its his fault

TunaFireStarter 16

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Monday 12 May 2014 21:12

Not to mention even without the dog the poor rabbit could have gotten into something dangerous or hurt itself anyways.

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Monday 12 May 2014 21:13

You would think he would know she has a dog. Just thinking about something like that happening to my rabbit makes me sad

PenguinBitch 43

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:31

I guess it's wabbit season. *loads shot*

PenguinBitch 43

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:38

...gun*

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Wednesday 21 January 2015 22:22

I feel so bad at laughing but hate you more posting it

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:33

Omg that's horrible. Poor bunny and sorry for your boyfriend :(

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:36

That's horrible :( poor rabbit.. But the thought was cute.. That would have been a really unique way to ask if it had turned out right.

xxthexmisfitxx 25

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:38

It was cute and all, yeah... but it just made me sad. :/

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:39

that was the wrong rabbit hole...

keirissleepy 10

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:39

Perhaps you should both go rabbit shopping after the prom to

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:39

Cute way to ask! :)

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Monday 12 May 2014 8:39

That's so sad :( I hope you guys have fun at prom though, maybe that can be the positive part of this FML.