Love, Intimacy and School: Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had... - FML

By Franklin - United States - Anchorage

Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had set up a romantic scene and attempted to kiss me. It turns out he believed we were in a relationship for the last year and told our entire school. I am 100% straight. This explains why I haven't been able to get laid in months. FML

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BO Central

The smell detective is on the case

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By crawfo - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By Firequeen

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

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By treehugger - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2021 02:00

Dork

Today, my 46 year-old brother-in-law came to visit. He is uniquely gifted. His talent? Behaving like a teenager and sexualising everything. Even my lip blister. FML

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By greenhide8 - United States

Today, I was playing at a bingo hall, when I got a bingo for $50. I got so excited that I accidentally yelled, "Holy fuck!" They kicked me out. I didn't get the money. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I was taking an exam and I knew I was unprepared, so I wrote some cheat notes on my ankle. As I cross my legs to look at my notes, I realize I wore tall boots to class. I can't even cheat properly. FML

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By Jason the flasher

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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By imsadnow - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML

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By datingmrpicky - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

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By laurwitharawr - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

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By short&stout

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

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By Anonymous

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By gettinghotinhere - United States - San Francisco

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

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By piliseep - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

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By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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By JennyPenny - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By not even a sexy bushfire - Australia - Kelmscott

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

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By vela9002 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By poisongrl - Macedonia

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

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By Maju - Netherlands

Dumb, but relatable

Today, I hit my toe against a table. Out of frustration, I kicked the table and broke my little toe. FML

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By RJB - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By jlee0000785 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

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By creepster - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By dontask

Today I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML.

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By UnderConstruction - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my family is going to the USA for Christmas after being lucky and getting their tickets re-booked. My ticket was canceled due to the snow, and will not be re-booked. Merry Christmas to me, myself and a bottle of wine. FML

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By sad associate - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By Safe - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

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By haaaye - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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By CASH_NoMOMEY - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

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Top comments

By almost_there44 | 26

#7580667 - Saturday 30 December 2017 6:29

How the hell could he assume y'all were dating for a year? Not even a month, but a year? Were there not signs? Did y'all go on "dates?" Did y'all ever kiss? He can't just assume y'all are dating unless he has a reason. Maybe he is mentally unstable.

By smc3106 | 25

#7579402 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:33

100% Strait, George Strait.

COMMENTS

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7578849 - Sunday 24 December 2017 18:55

This is why people should never assume.

By Mynxie | 26

#7578853 - Sunday 24 December 2017 19:06

He had no right to do that. What a horrible friend. He needs to fix that.

By smc3106 | 25

#7579402 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:33

100% Strait, George Strait.

By almost_there44 | 26

#7580667 - Saturday 30 December 2017 6:29

How the hell could he assume y'all were dating for a year? Not even a month, but a year? Were there not signs? Did y'all go on "dates?" Did y'all ever kiss? He can't just assume y'all are dating unless he has a reason. Maybe he is mentally unstable.

Reply

Suzi_d16 | 26

#7580705 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Yudith | 20

#7580790 - Saturday 30 December 2017 13:49

Maybe he just came from a remote area. Pizza? I love pizza! Gay Pride? Parades are fun! Dancing? Hell yeah! Hugs between men? That's just normal where I come from. Naked wrestling? Is there another kind?

Reply

almost_there44 | 26

#7580894 - Saturday 30 December 2017 21:10

Y'all, y'all, y'all!!! I'm from Texas, that's all we say. Issue? Keep scrolling. Have a great day, y'all.

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7580902 - Saturday 30 December 2017 21:38

Some people are just that delusional, as Forensic Files has taught me. This situation could end really, really badly ya'll

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7580670 - Saturday 30 December 2017 7:47

That is quite an impressive misunderstanding, I have to say.

By Suzi_d16 | 26

#7580706 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:01

*straight

Reply

nanxi | 30

#7581132 - Sunday 31 December 2017 23:54

*character limit

By Mirrorgirl | 7

#7580767 - Saturday 30 December 2017 12:21

I swear to god, everything interesting seems to be happening in Anchorage lately.

Reply

acmariner99 | 24

#7580812 - Saturday 30 December 2017 15:56

It’s dark and cold up there right now

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7580794 - Saturday 30 December 2017 14:13

Maybe your "best friend" has erotomania. That's a psychological disorder where the affected person believes that someone is in love with them--even though it's rather obvious to everyone else that that's not the case at all.

By pjsr | 32

#7580826 - Saturday 30 December 2017 16:52

If you want to believe that’s why you haven’t gotten laid in months, just keep telling yourself that.
Then again, if you REALLY want to get laid, you know where to go.

By 09051308288 | 17

#7580965 - Sunday 31 December 2017 2:38

Maybe you had given him reasons to assume.