Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had... - FML

By Franklin - 29/12/2017 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had set up a romantic scene and attempted to kiss me. It turns out he believed we were in a relationship for the last year and told our entire school. I am 100% straight. This explains why I haven't been able to get laid in months. FML

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Out of it

Higher standards

Minefield

By atterz123 - 12/2/2009 13:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

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By SarahAnne - 13/8/2019 22:00

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I think I'm average looking. He told me that it was OK, unless he wakes up tomorrow with some standards, I'm good enough. FML

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By notababymama - 7/2/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By Danners88 - 11/11/2009 04:36 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

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By oooops - 24/1/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 18:52 - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she saw me sleepwalking last night. I didn't think much of it, until I remembered that I went to bed without any clothes on last night. FML

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By Titanic - 7/12/2008 08:46 - France

Today, the girl I've been hitting on for months on MSN and that I'm about to meet told me "I know you are in love, and you know I'm not". Erm, no, I didn't know. FML

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By Loveless - 20/7/2009 01:06 - United States

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

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By notout - 17/10/2017 15:00

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By probablyadopted1 - 4/5/2016 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

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By noname - 14/1/2009 06:33 - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By escortedout - 23/10/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

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By stillsick - 2/3/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML

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By beckbr - 2/2/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

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By Alisha - 30/3/2011 17:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

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By anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:07 - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2011 00:26 - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2018 01:30

How shocking!

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2014 16:42 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 10:44 - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

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By prick - 30/10/2015 21:53 - United States - Dover

Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

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By Ugly - 8/3/2017 04:00 - Netherlands

Tough Love

Today, during a conversation with my in-laws, I opened up about my insecurities concerning my looks. My mother-in-law responded, "But you're not beautiful." She then repeated it. FML

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By Sherlock - 3/2/2010 16:02 - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

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By dead - 9/3/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By smalltownkid - 1/3/2015 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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By Melinda - 10/12/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

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By loser - 10/10/2009 20:45 - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By Soap0015 - 16/8/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

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By neverthesame - 29/3/2012 02:53 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

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By queenmabby - 16/1/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By twingirl - 14/8/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

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By f__k_it - 18/1/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By kay51 - 24/11/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By seriouslylife? - 26/9/2018 03:00

Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as baggers. This is totally awesome and I love the practice, but this autistic bagger yelled out the name of every product he bagged, including "TAMPONS!" and "CONDOMS!" One of my middle school students was in the next checkout line videoing it. FML

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By IHaveTwoOwies - 6/10/2017 13:00

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

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By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By Anonymouse - 2/7/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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Top comments

By almost_there44 | 26

#7580667 - Saturday 30 December 2017 6:29

How the hell could he assume y'all were dating for a year? Not even a month, but a year? Were there not signs? Did y'all go on "dates?" Did y'all ever kiss? He can't just assume y'all are dating unless he has a reason. Maybe he is mentally unstable.

By smc3106 | 25

#7579402 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:33

100% Strait, George Strait.

COMMENTS

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7578849 - Sunday 24 December 2017 18:55

This is why people should never assume.

By Mynxie | 26

#7578853 - Sunday 24 December 2017 19:06

He had no right to do that. What a horrible friend. He needs to fix that.

By smc3106 | 25

#7579402 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:33

100% Strait, George Strait.

By almost_there44 | 26

#7580667 - Saturday 30 December 2017 6:29

How the hell could he assume y'all were dating for a year? Not even a month, but a year? Were there not signs? Did y'all go on "dates?" Did y'all ever kiss? He can't just assume y'all are dating unless he has a reason. Maybe he is mentally unstable.

Reply

Suzi_d16 | 26

#7580705 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Yudith | 20

#7580790 - Saturday 30 December 2017 13:49

Maybe he just came from a remote area. Pizza? I love pizza! Gay Pride? Parades are fun! Dancing? Hell yeah! Hugs between men? That's just normal where I come from. Naked wrestling? Is there another kind?

Reply

almost_there44 | 26

#7580894 - Saturday 30 December 2017 21:10

Y'all, y'all, y'all!!! I'm from Texas, that's all we say. Issue? Keep scrolling. Have a great day, y'all.

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7580902 - Saturday 30 December 2017 21:38

Some people are just that delusional, as Forensic Files has taught me. This situation could end really, really badly ya'll

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7580670 - Saturday 30 December 2017 7:47

That is quite an impressive misunderstanding, I have to say.

By Suzi_d16 | 26

#7580706 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:01

*straight

Reply

nanxi | 30

#7581132 - Sunday 31 December 2018 23:54

*character limit

By Mirrorgirl | 4

#7580767 - Saturday 30 December 2017 12:21

I swear to god, everything interesting seems to be happening in Anchorage lately.

Reply

acmariner99 | 23

#7580812 - Saturday 30 December 2017 15:56

It’s dark and cold up there right now

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7580794 - Saturday 30 December 2017 14:13

Maybe your "best friend" has erotomania. That's a psychological disorder where the affected person believes that someone is in love with them--even though it's rather obvious to everyone else that that's not the case at all.

By pjsr | 32

#7580826 - Saturday 30 December 2017 16:52

If you want to believe that’s why you haven’t gotten laid in months, just keep telling yourself that.
Then again, if you REALLY want to get laid, you know where to go.

By 09051308288 | 17

#7580965 - Sunday 31 December 2018 2:38

Maybe you had given him reasons to assume.