Miscellaneous: Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time...

By handyjon - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

There's no helping some people

Pride and joy

By Anonymous

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huron

Today, I found out I and a coworker may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

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By widow - United States

RIP

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

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By "smonds13"

Doggone It

Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

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By Jules - 9/12/2020 08:02 - Germany - Norden

Uncomfortable

Today, while many women have a wardrobe full of nothing-to-wear, my mom has a fridge full of nothing-to-eat and a living room full of nowhere-to-sit. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 12:02 - Canada - Ottawa

It wasn't me

Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she blames me that her family found out because they question her decision to be with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Apple juice, motherfucker

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

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By - Canada - Calgary

Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML

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By Harry Dare - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By oshitdonotwant - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

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By unfortunate - Sweden

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

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By moopymoplady - Canada

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said that we can "maybe have sleepovers" at his house when he FINALLY moves out. He's 24, and we've been dating for 6 years. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By dumbo - United States

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

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By TwinDad - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

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By Breadline single mom - 26/12/2020 19:56

"Life is unfair…"

Today, my deadbeat ex-husband who works at a country club was invited to play poker with some club members as they needed a last player. He’s rubbish at poker but got some lucky hands and ended up winning £112,000 from those rich guys. Life isn’t fair. FML

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By isthisajoke - United States

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

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By nodullmoment - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that is for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago are inside. After they left, the "for rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By idiocy Trumps reason - United States - Mission

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

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By parched - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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By Shane

Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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By Lilahpaints

My Baby Boy

Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

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By not_trained_for_this - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By Kris - United States

Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML

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By Anonycunt - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

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By ricksterile - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

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By esoog - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

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By singleagain - United States

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

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Top comments

By lamargus | 0

#2135736 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

why? there is something called a plunger!

By schwiggidy | 0

#2135739 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

try it with yor mouth next time

COMMENTS

By Monjara | 4

#2135728 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:56

Ew...

AsianCookie247 | 14

#2135954 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:51

that's just nasty.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2135993 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 10:11

Yeah... That's fucking gross... EW!!!!

insanesna1l | 0

#2136138 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 11:42

that's hardcore shit

beelovesfml | 0

#2136268 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 12:52

YDI! You have known to buy a plunger especially if its happened to you before.

pattheaninal | 9

#2137581 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 18:33

i still am questionning what the hell you've been eating..

randomgf | 0

#2137757 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 19:50

He could have kids that stuff things down the toilet. Either way, plungers are not expensive.

9010649 | 3

#2138990 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 2:03

yea seriously buy a plunger... I would think after the first time you would have learned...

tjv3 | 10

#2138993 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 2:03

gross buy a freaking plunger

ahole123 | 0

#2139052 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 2:25

Get a plunger?

kktik | 8

#2140237 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 7:33

thats just fuckin nasty....

ceejster | 0

#2140285 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 7:43

well... stop taking massive craps

By UnderTheMoon | 0

#2135730 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:56

ew why?

techweed | 12

#2136140 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 11:45

maybe it's his job

tweetbaby14 | 17

#2136232 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 12:30

or maybe because they might be too cheap to invest in a plunger.

Dillon000 | 3

#2139176 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 2:57

I enjoyed you're pic #2

jayfish7 | 0

#2140047 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 6:34

if only there were a device that would unplunge the toilet for you...

Smashhoof | 15

#4959123 - Saturday 22 September 2012 13:02

He lost the plunger in the toilet.

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269435 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:40

Maybe OP has a weird toliet fetish?

By lamargus | 0

#2135736 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

why? there is something called a plunger!

Thabb | 0

#2136336 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 13:27

Yeah, YDI for not having a plunger

T3P33_fml | 0

#2138524 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 0:07

scatophile much?

glitterme | 5

#2349735 - Thursday 14 April 2011 23:57

because she or he Gots skill

By schwiggidy | 0

#2135739 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

try it with yor mouth next time

spoilt_ | 15

#2136101 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 11:20

dry

philpip | 7

#2138595 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 0:38

LOL! I actually found this really funny! :L

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2140287 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 7:43

WTF!! hahaha... blow hard?

Rachel_Vikram | 0

#2143403 - Thursday 3 March 2011 3:14

Coz everything is better with mouth... Isn't it?

SulfurPlague | 0

#2149189 - Friday 4 March 2011 12:28

Sssssss...

9010649 | 3

#2415090 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:34

Thatsssss a very nice plunger you've got there.... sssssss..... pity if sssssomething were to happen to it...

skyjayq | 10

#6021166 - Monday 28 July 2014 1:09

Lol made me laugh

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#2135741 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

yum...lol

By LawlPWND | 0

#2135743 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:58

Sounds like a good way to start a week!

By Qluz | 3

#2135744 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:58

were you digging for gold?

DaveOnDope | 4

#2136236 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 12:32

Gold, diamonds. They both come out in the end. OP forgot to shit in a strainer?

naughtia | 14

#2139964 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 6:07

find a 2 dollar coin?

By Inspired22 | 11

#2135746 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:59

What is so hard about picking up a plunger at the store? Sheesh. After once, you would think you'd learn...

hawkhez01 | 13

#2141894 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 18:23

exactly what I was thinking, the dude's a total dumbass

By gonzaval | 0

#2135758 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:00

eww=}

fred88_fml | 0

#2137430 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 17:22

thats what i said when i saw your picture.

By brenloveblue | 0

#2135760 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:01

nasty!... why?