Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend,...

By goo - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Serious times

F is for Family

By billjoebob424 - Canada - Erin

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

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By dining - United States - Grinnell

Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML

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By alyssabree42 - United States - Estacada

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Danielle22291 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, as a waitress at Denny's, I had a 25 top table. Only 3 of them spoke English. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Scituate

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

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By hated - United States

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that when my new roommate said we could both use the condoms he bought, he didn't mean separately. FML

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By Forever alone Guy - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML

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By FMyCountry

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I started my new job as a cashier for a drugstore. As I scanned some children's medicine for a family, I gave the girl a tissue because her nose was running. Later, my boss sat me down and told me there had been a complaint about a "female pedo-employee". I'm the only woman working there. FML

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By DuckMan

Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML

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By x - United States

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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By chumman - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

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By TheLoneSoul - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

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By Lily - United States

Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML

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By wtf - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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By harrypottermuch - Canada

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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By ZG_Rules - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I disproved a scientific theory created by my supervisor. He was furious and said that I shouldn't have tried to disprove him. He told me to continue working with his theory and now he threatens to fire me if I publish my work. FML

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By Rick - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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By pignose

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By Luke - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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By Lisa

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

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By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

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By skidoosh - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years still refuses to memorize my phone number or remember my birthday because he says there is a limited amount of space in his brain and he does not want to push any important information out. FML

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By future burger flipper - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By Dumbass

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By ajodasdojsad - United Kingdom - Ewell

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

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By TiredParent

Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

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Top comments

By alternative-facts | 6

#7407598 - Thursday 9 February 2017 23:28

That's when you flip him over and straddle him. That way the mucus runs down his face and not yours.

By Greycatsister | 12

#7407042 - Thursday 9 February 2017 3:19

You are. I absolutely adore when my boyfriend gets his runny mucus all over my face and in my mouth. Mm.

COMMENTS

By Greycatsister | 12

#7407042 - Thursday 9 February 2017 3:19

You are. I absolutely adore when my boyfriend gets his runny mucus all over my face and in my mouth. Mm.

ThrottleJockey | 34

#7407054 - Thursday 9 February 2017 4:01

Mucus, riiiight.

By alternative-facts | 6

#7407598 - Thursday 9 February 2017 23:28

That's when you flip him over and straddle him. That way the mucus runs down his face and not yours.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7408315 - Saturday 11 February 2017 0:48

And this is where doggy-style comes into play.

By Aurora_BoreaIis | 7

#7408333 - Saturday 11 February 2017 1:32

He snot very sensitive himself, is he? :c

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7408406 - Saturday 11 February 2017 5:56

He wouldn't like it much if you were dripping snot in his face.

By Cali | 54

#7408409 - Saturday 11 February 2017 6:03

He's being insensitive to your desire to maintain a snot-free face!

By hkhan24 | 23

#7408438 - Saturday 11 February 2017 8:54

Actually he's right, you are too insensitive... to dust and pollen and he's too sensitive which is what caused the problem in the first place

By revolvearoundme | 15

#7408547 - Saturday 11 February 2017 13:41

Should have gotten up, thrown him some tissues and said, "Well I'm finished, now clean yourself up!" Then gone and watched some television or something.

By CrazyJolteon | 0

#7408868 - Sunday 12 February 2017 6:14

Well you kinda are....you can't control his allergies so don't complain

By ralphnader | 13

#7409396 - Monday 13 February 2017 2:26

I accidentally hit ydi, sorry that sucks.