Miscellaneous: Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

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Out of it

Weird kid

Bass, how low can you go?

By goddamnit - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

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By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

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By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

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By CallMeJesusFreak - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

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By MdT - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200 picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Kids will be kids

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

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By baldygirl - United States

Today, my 7 year old brother decided that it would be fun to cut off my hair. I woke from a long nap after working the late shift, to about 15 inches of my long blonde hair all over my bed and floor. I now have bloody bald spots and really choppy hair about 3 inches long. He got away with it. FML

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By Aus - United States

Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML

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By disappointed - 10/12/2020 20:02 - Canada - Brantford

Late term

Today, I had to pick my son up from jail. He was pulled over for having a busted tail light, gave the officer his licence, realized he gave the officer his fake ID and then the dumbass gave the cop his real one. Is it too late for a vasectomy? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

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By beablue18 - Germany

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Thames

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By LH0026 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By unsatisfied - Australia

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

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By Random - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By Still No Ring - United States - Lisbon

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

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By rukus - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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By A. Person - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

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By TheBeastSwaq - United States

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By bluedevil26 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

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By newlysingle - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML

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By sadguyme - United States - Turlock

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

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By firefly02255 - United States

Bullseye

Today, some troopers forced my family out of our house with no shoes or enough clothing. Even the baby was half naked. We were told we can't go back for at least another 12 hours. Why? Because my mental neighbor was shooting at the house. FML

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Top comments

By its_love2 | 31

#5371425 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

your dad is AMAZING

By LouiseD_fml | 10

#5371428 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

Awesome dad!

COMMENTS

By its_love2 | 31

#5371425 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

your dad is AMAZING

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5371582 - Sunday 17 February 2013 15:45

Nominee for troll dad of the year?

Reply

nottheyoungest | 18

#5371653 - Sunday 17 February 2013 16:54

I never had a dad. *BATMAN*

Reply

Brainnnnz | 19

#5372974 - Monday 18 February 2013 16:16

32 But Batman did have a father...

Reply

Inediblepeaches | 15

#5373903 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 6:02

Batman had a father. *Had.* Meaning that at one point, there were parents.

Reply

chlorinegreen | 27

#5374273 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 13:21

This may sound dumb but was the dad doing coke or did he eat the last powdered donut op was saving for after is nap?

Reply

ammerhammer | 3

#5482930 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 0:03

No he probably did it on purpose to troll hi som

Reply

zomgbies | 17

#5734253 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 19:12

That is an EPIC prank. I'll have to remember it.

By LouiseD_fml | 10

#5371428 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

Awesome dad!

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5371654 - Sunday 17 February 2013 16:54

There's nothing like an immature father with a great sense of humor!

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5371711 - Sunday 17 February 2013 18:21

Trolldad strikes again.

Reply

CanCann | 16

#5372122 - Monday 18 February 2013 0:37

Oops. Meant to thumb up!

By Jonny_Blaze0017 | 26

#5371430 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:33

haha thats hilarious

By carmel1110 | 12

#5371432 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:34

Sounds like a good prank idea... Awesome dad.

By carry_on | 19

#5371440 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:40

Your dad has the best sense of humour!

By kidclarke | 15

#5371443 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:45

Yeah because you'd totally just be in your own bed at home and not in a hospital if you were in a coma for 5 years.

Reply

maz95 | 17

#5371451 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:50

#6 - Yes, but you're not thinking straight when you've just woken up and also groggy as OP stated which is why he was almost convinced.

Reply

Yorih | 19

#5371505 - Sunday 17 February 2013 14:18

And you're probably not thinking straight when you've just woken up from a 5 year coma too ;)

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5371580 - Sunday 17 February 2013 15:44

Maybe OP is really Captain America and woke up in a simulated recovery room to make him think he's in the right year.

Reply

random_user7 | 1

#5372339 - Monday 18 February 2013 3:58

Technically you don't have to me in a hospital if you're in coma for long !

Reply

kayluhh18 | 11

#5372700 - Monday 18 February 2013 9:52

Best comment EVER

By wtfchirp | 9

#5371445 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:46

You're dad is amazing! So clever, and a great idea. :)

Reply

warrior1995 | 15

#5371715 - Sunday 17 February 2013 18:24

Your*

By upallnight11 | 19

#5371447 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:48

Troll dad is epic!

By malkavian_mad | 13

#5371448 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:49

Bazinga!

Reply

moimoimoi125_fml | 11

#5371467 - Sunday 17 February 2013 13:19

Why ?

Reply

Stormdriven37 | 6

#5371814 - Sunday 17 February 2013 19:16

11- You deserve more thumbs up.

Bazinga

By tangonaf | 16

#5371462 - Sunday 17 February 2013 13:16

Awesome!