Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Delayed proposal

Family values

By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

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By UnpaidBabysitter - United States - New York

Today, I was shut in a boiling hot room with six children: a 10-year-old who kept shouting, a belligerent 7-year-old, two 5-year-olds who thought hitting me was funny and two 2-year-olds, who wouldn't stop crying. Their parents were just outside, laughing away, ignoring me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

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By notastoner - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By NotTheSoulMate - United States

Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

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By anonyme - France - Grenoble

Today, the left side of my head has officially declared its independence. Half of my hair is now curly, the rest is totally flat. FML

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By xoVioLoveox - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By I'm disgusting

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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By shouldabeenapornstar - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

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By __shirtless__

Today I found out that paying $40 for next-day shipping doesn't ensure that you'll receive the item the next day or even the next week. I assumed it was my fault for ordering too late into the holiday season. Turns out they never shipped it. When I finally received it 10 days late, it was the wrong item. FML

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By morgan_love11 - United States

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By tattooapprentice

Today, at my first day of my dream job, I dropped a delicate $700 piece of machinery on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

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By verrine - United Kingdom

Today, I was mugged on my way to the bus stop. With no money or mobile I started to panic about the exam I had and ran the 3.5 miles to get to there. When I staggered up to the building only 20mins after the exam started, the university staff wouldn't let me sit it as I couldn't prove my identity. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2020 10:57

Great first impression

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

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By AtLeastThereWasAParamedic

Today, I was walking on the sidewalk near my house when a car pulled out of a parking spot in front of a speeding ambulance. The ambulance swerved up onto the grass. Yes, I broke my arm after being hit by an ambulance. FML

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By Brittany - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By OH COME ON - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

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By Arghh - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

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By lone_ranger - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By y00na

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

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By bloodyfreakinawful - United States - Seabrook

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

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By SomeGuyInNY - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML

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By ohhhgross - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

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By "The Cat Tickler"

Today, I took a flight from Seattle to Oregon but missed my flight back home to California because the flight attendant came in late and delayed our flight take off time. Then I was told the only way to get California was to go back to Seattle and fly to California from there. FML

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By King_of_hearts - United States - Plymouth

Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML

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Top comments

By its_love2 | 31

#5371425 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

your dad is AMAZING

By LouiseD_fml | 10

#5371428 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

Awesome dad!

COMMENTS

By its_love2 | 31

#5371425 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

your dad is AMAZING

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5371582 - Sunday 17 February 2013 15:45

Nominee for troll dad of the year?

Reply

nottheyoungest | 18

#5371653 - Sunday 17 February 2013 16:54

I never had a dad. *BATMAN*

Reply

Brainnnnz | 19

#5372974 - Monday 18 February 2013 16:16

32 But Batman did have a father...

Reply

Inediblepeaches | 15

#5373903 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 6:02

Batman had a father. *Had.* Meaning that at one point, there were parents.

Reply

chlorinegreen | 27

#5374273 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 13:21

This may sound dumb but was the dad doing coke or did he eat the last powdered donut op was saving for after is nap?

Reply

ammerhammer | 3

#5482930 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 0:03

No he probably did it on purpose to troll hi som

Reply

zomgbies | 17

#5734253 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 19:12

That is an EPIC prank. I'll have to remember it.

By LouiseD_fml | 10

#5371428 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:32

Awesome dad!

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5371654 - Sunday 17 February 2013 16:54

There's nothing like an immature father with a great sense of humor!

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5371711 - Sunday 17 February 2013 18:21

Trolldad strikes again.

Reply

CanCann | 16

#5372122 - Monday 18 February 2013 0:37

Oops. Meant to thumb up!

By Jonny_Blaze0017 | 26

#5371430 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:33

haha thats hilarious

By carmel1110 | 12

#5371432 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:34

Sounds like a good prank idea... Awesome dad.

By carry_on | 19

#5371440 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:40

Your dad has the best sense of humour!

By kidclarke | 15

#5371443 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:45

Yeah because you'd totally just be in your own bed at home and not in a hospital if you were in a coma for 5 years.

Reply

maz95 | 17

#5371451 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:50

#6 - Yes, but you're not thinking straight when you've just woken up and also groggy as OP stated which is why he was almost convinced.

Reply

Yorih | 19

#5371505 - Sunday 17 February 2013 14:18

And you're probably not thinking straight when you've just woken up from a 5 year coma too ;)

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5371580 - Sunday 17 February 2013 15:44

Maybe OP is really Captain America and woke up in a simulated recovery room to make him think he's in the right year.

Reply

random_user7 | 1

#5372339 - Monday 18 February 2013 3:58

Technically you don't have to me in a hospital if you're in coma for long !

Reply

kayluhh18 | 11

#5372700 - Monday 18 February 2013 9:52

Best comment EVER

By wtfchirp | 9

#5371445 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:46

You're dad is amazing! So clever, and a great idea. :)

Reply

warrior1995 | 15

#5371715 - Sunday 17 February 2013 18:24

Your*

By upallnight11 | 19

#5371447 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:48

Troll dad is epic!

By malkavian_mad | 13

#5371448 - Sunday 17 February 2013 12:49

Bazinga!

Reply

moimoimoi125_fml | 11

#5371467 - Sunday 17 February 2013 13:19

Why ?

Reply

Stormdriven37 | 6

#5371814 - Sunday 17 February 2013 19:16

11- You deserve more thumbs up.

Bazinga

By tangonaf | 16

#5371462 - Sunday 17 February 2013 13:16

Awesome!