Health: Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing...

By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Body issues

Childfree

By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 17:00

Social distancing done right

Today, my girlfriend of two and half years broke up with me because I'm no longer able to give her the physical attention she needs. I live 4 hours away and we have been this way for almost a year. She found another guy to do it behind my back. FML

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By Jehovah God - United States - Richmond

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, a drunk guy limped in front of my car, unzipped, and started pissing on my windshield. FML

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By an egg - United States - Livonia

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

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By iliana74 - United States - Hamilton

Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

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By SailorVenus93 - 26/2/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

No pain, no gain

Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without feeling pain afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By single - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

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By Anonymous

Bite me

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By Kere - Sweden

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By StupidSecurityConsultant

Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the company I work for. They skipped over my presentation, because they needed time for the "weight loss" competition presentation. FML

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By kanenakid - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

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By ava_henryy - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I had to be rushed to the hospital when I started sneezing uncontrollably and got a huge rash. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a chemical in most cleaning supplies. Great. I just got a job as a house cleaner for a very rich family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus or blowing blood. FML

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By catlover - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By wormiformed - New Zealand

Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I come into work tomorrow. FML

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By rained - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By mr.nobody - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 08:02

Proud boy

Today, I went on a Tinder date. He seemed pretty normal. Very handsome, and a complete gentleman. Turned out he's a white supremacist. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

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By ProudMamma - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

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By Undercooked - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

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By you'vegotmail(not) - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML

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By ohgosh... - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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By wtfisgoingon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the middle of having a shower when I noticed a camera hidden in the corner of the room pointing directly towards the shower which I stood in butt-naked. I live by myself and have recently only moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

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By Noah - United States - South Haven

Today, I was at a bar with my girlfriend, and I noticed an obnoxious guy from college I used to hang out with. I tried to avoid eye contact, but all of a sudden he shouted, "There's the guy who puked his margarita back into the glass!" Everyone stared. Yup, that was me, just last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southlake

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

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By Scottie Too Hottie - United States - Pontiac

Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

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28318

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By NotTheFavoriteChild

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dropped in on my wife at her part time waitressing job. As I was leaving, I gave her tushie a playful squeeze. I was then tackled by some acne-ridden teenage blockhead trying to impress the hot waitress by beating up the guy groping her. FML

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By Username - Canada

Perks

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

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By FD4

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

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By migsman - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

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By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7684432 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 2:46

Mats can be really slippery. I hear they work for the Trump Administration.

By pjsr | 32

#7684435 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 3:26

I’ve heard they have nice flower decorating and jigsaw puzzle classes. Hardly anyone ever gets hurt.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7684432 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 2:46

Mats can be really slippery. I hear they work for the Trump Administration.

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7684433 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 3:14

That sucks OP. I've done the same so often my best friend says I like to kiss the sidewalk lol. 😂 Hope your ankle heals quickly!

By pjsr | 32

#7684435 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 3:26

I’ve heard they have nice flower decorating and jigsaw puzzle classes. Hardly anyone ever gets hurt.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7684517 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 7:56

Don't feel bad op, I've done it stepping on a ramp to leave dance class. Get better soon :)

By Charlie Given | 23

#7684565 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 8:45

Next time dance off mate since walking doesn't work 😆