Love: Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that...

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 07:09 - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 205

You deserved it 3 701

Love

Empathy lives

Get that pup out of there!

What did I say, Roy?

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 13:24 - Ireland

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 084

You deserved it 61 106

By Anonymous - 01/05/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 159

You deserved it 4 360

By josie345 - 25/08/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 126

You deserved it 27 235

By Dulieu - 10/02/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 211

You deserved it 168 123

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 737

You deserved it 3 848

By Frostbitten - 27/02/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 135

You deserved it 6 083

By maza - 09/08/2019 22:00

Today, I made a nice meal for myself and sat down to eat. Suddenly, my dad burst into my room saying, “We have to go.” This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor was it an emergency. My family just doesn’t tell me when we have plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 712

You deserved it 156

By not anymore - 30/10/2015 23:29 - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 370

You deserved it 4 825

Friends?

By notliked - 01/10/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, on Facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to, "How can Dan have over 500 Facebook friends? Nobody even likes him." It got 42 likes and twenty comments that basically said, "Agreed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 775

You deserved it 12 326

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 461

You deserved it 2 952

By Anonymous - 03/12/2013 14:04 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 257

You deserved it 42 296

By Spongebob Garypants - 26/05/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 190

You deserved it 2 057

By nolips - 19/11/2009 15:53 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 949

You deserved it 3 138

DGAF nursing

By Anonymous - 17/11/2021 17:00

Today, my patient was ready to tip over, so I called out for help, but the other nurse didn't even look up from her computer. A tech had to rush over from the end of the room. Is it bad that I wanted to tell the nurse she needs to effing retire? FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 57

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 111

You deserved it 44 500

By Sleep. - 27/11/2014 07:06 - United States - Imperial

Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 431

You deserved it 2 743

By Venus - 26/04/2019 20:00

Today, despite the fact that I live with my parents and pay rent, my mom decided the best spot for my brother, his wife and one-year-old son was my bedroom. So I'm sleeping on the couch, because it would, "take too long to clean her room." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 250

By Anonymous - 21/06/2012 17:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 717

You deserved it 3 043

By black hoodie - 19/05/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 094

You deserved it 5 951

Honesty

By bridezilla - 31/12/2014 07:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, 'No way' or 'It looks great on you', I accidentally said 'Yeah, I know'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 435

You deserved it 35 295

Help!

By ukfan - 06/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 427

You deserved it 5 058

By Ian - 18/04/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 400

You deserved it 6 427

Make it so

By MissArizona - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 4 101

By Snurkles - 07/07/2011 12:19 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 019

You deserved it 7 062

By kirassi919 - 20/09/2012 16:50 - United States - North Wales

Today, I decided to help my parents out by tearing down the old, rusty swing set that's been in our backyard for years. Little did I know that there was a beehive hidden in the long grass, and I now have dozens of painful red bumps all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 064

You deserved it 2 237

By EwwGross - 31/08/2011 20:15 - United States

Today, I witnessed my neighbor draining his sewage-clogged plumbing into my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 470

You deserved it 1 936

By Ennui - 20/02/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 084

You deserved it 10 124

By Anonymous - 02/03/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 827

You deserved it 29 392

By Nick M - 19/12/2016 17:49

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 179

You deserved it 726

By drunk - 06/03/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 245

You deserved it 40 813

By sillyfox4lyfe - 07/05/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 093

You deserved it 13 687

Yummy

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 23:01 - Germany - Dresden

Today, after thinking only dogs needed chew-toys, I learned my lesson after my kittens ate my menstrual cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 316

By wasp infestation - 03/10/2016 04:54 - United States - Aurora

Today, the owner of the house I'm renting said he doesn't want to pay $4000 to fumigate the home, and that he'll take care of the issue himself. I have killed 30 angry wasps in the last hour. There are thousands living in the walls, but I think their favorite place is my bathroom and my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 444

You deserved it 1 004

Healthcare in the US is fucked up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 04:01

Today, I was out with friends when one of them started complaining about having to spend $50 on two copays for his therapist. He makes more a week than I do in three, and I can't even get seen by any type of healthcare professional because nowhere is accepting new patients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 646

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 984

You deserved it 7 985

Pay up!

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving on the tollway my car overheated and died a few yards from the toll booth. I then had to wait, crying, in my smoking car for a patrol guy while cars moved around me. He had to push me through the toll and the lady in the booth said she felt sorry for me but still took my $3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 364

You deserved it 5 109

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:15 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 656

You deserved it 1 636

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 824

You deserved it 12 344

By WorkWeirdo - 30/03/2016 20:26 - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 473

You deserved it 1 530

By blow me - 07/08/2015 16:36 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 775

You deserved it 3 355

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