Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 07:09 - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

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Proactive

Last dates

Thanks, I'm cured!

By AtikaSucks - 28/2/2010 19:00 - Tunisia

Today, thanks to my brilliant hairstylist, I ended up with a brand new haircut, which I like to call the "Bowler hat-and-Spaghetti" cut. FML

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By dogh8er - 18/12/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

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By blahblah493 - 26/5/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

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By oops999 - 19/11/2013 19:46 - United States - Downingtown

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2013 07:24 - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2016 13:47

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 16:30

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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By Tim - 16/6/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML

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By ch4nny - 29/8/2014 01:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

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By Username - 25/1/2010 11:06 - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

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By anonymous - 11/3/2010 19:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my art project, the one I've been working on for the last two weeks and the first piece I felt really comfortable about turning in, was stolen out of the art cupboard. FML

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By letmefallasleep - 1/4/2020 14:00

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By lynnie - 23/10/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I had to come up with a reward system for getting my boyfriend to brush his teeth daily. He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 16:41 - United States

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

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By appleville - 10/2/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By AkiAnime - 22/1/2016 00:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the huge project I've been working on for the past week is actually a group project. Everyone in my group knew. They were just letting me do the entire thing by myself because I'm "smart". FML

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By dogmom - 16/7/2012 20:51 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend picked me up and spun me around like they do in the movies, but not before grimacing, taking a deep breath, and muttering "one, two, three... and... uuuppp!" FML

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By O0hdear - 27/8/2015 17:44 - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By lobotomy pls - 11/9/2015 18:40 - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 14:03

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

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By ohno. - 19/8/2009 08:44 - Canada

Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 16:35 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

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By DuChaillu - 27/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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By Nasty - 25/4/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

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By saddude - 4/3/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

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By boner - 1/2/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

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By marsbar - 15/3/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

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By dumbo - 29/5/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

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By Samantha - 29/3/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

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By Sarah - 19/10/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, I finally quit the job that I've been complaining about. Before I could tell my husband, he informed me that he had been laid off, and was thankful we still had my income. FML

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By amused - 23/6/2014 21:26 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML

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By JEalmon12 - 23/5/2019 12:00

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job - 10/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By kaplwv116 - 27/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

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By noespresso - 15/8/2010 20:20 - United States

Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML

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By MICHAELTHEA - 21/7/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, I was walking on the beach when I tripped. I was about to land on a kid's sandcastle, so I tried to dodge by leaning left to avoid it. Before I hit the ground, I noticed the many rocks I was heading for. FML

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By Anna Lete - 12/7/2017 21:31

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

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By SFra - 24/10/2012 01:19 - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5553404 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:00

You should move on at this point, OP.

By Setareh23 | 34

#5553423 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:08

Maybe he's trying to make you feel jealous?

COMMENTS

By Pleonasm | 34

#5553404 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:00

You should move on at this point, OP.

Reply

SWhimsynBubbaS | 14

#5553489 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:48

That's exactly what I was thinking. If OP is still getting "thrilled" by these kinds of things, maybe it's time to move on. Especially when it was for his new girlfriend... I mean, there is a reason why he is your ex, right?

Reply

thatkidhesh | 11

#5553492 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:51

his loss! move on OP, guarantee there's love out there for you :)

Reply

vegeta77 | 4

#5553592 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 18:24

Her boyfriend is probably like these other cold people who have dulled their emotions through multiple relationships.

Reply

Dynosaur_dollie | 38

#5553691 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 19:28

or her ex is like many other people and just moved on. Moving on after a failed relationship is a healthy thing, it doesn't make you 'cold'. I think op needs to do just that, move on.

Reply

Rougeee | 6

#5554408 - Thursday 27 June 2013 4:55

She said she was happy at the idea of reconciliation; that doesn't mean getting back together. Maybe they had a bad split and she just wants to get over any harsh feelings.

By softrally | 15

#5553406 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:01

How can he not use different names for the two of you in his phone's contacts?

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5553773 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 20:20

He probably just lists his girlfriend as "Babe".

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#5554502 - Thursday 27 June 2013 6:37

Exactly! Who can he keep up? Babe1 Babe7 it's all the same.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#5554505 - Thursday 27 June 2013 6:40

*how

By lennox23 | 6

#5553407 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:01

he ain't shit

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#5553434 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:12

#3 oh and you know him personally?

Reply

Dynosaur_dollie | 38

#5553695 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 19:29

You're right he's most likely human.

By naxeeb | 33

#5553416 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:06

My condolences OP, but honestly, I believe you should move on, its high time that you should.

By alblynne | 8

#5553418 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:06

Yikes.

By Setareh23 | 34

#5553423 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:08

Maybe he's trying to make you feel jealous?

By Pauschinator | 22

#5553426 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:10

You should do what your heart desires.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5553447 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:18

And if he's "ex" for a good reason? The heart is conflicting.

By laughmaster | 9

#5553431 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:11

That, but I don't know many people who confuse their ex's number for their current girlfriend, maybe it was subconscious, and he was thinkin of you all along

By Jac_d_ipper | 10

#5553433 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:12

Just tell the florists that you know the intended recipient and to deliver the flowers to you. Then tactfully turn the bouquet into one suitable for condolence and arrange to deliver it to your ex's new gf. Later sit back and enjoy the moment ;-p

Reply

vegeta77 | 4

#5553605 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 18:30

What does that gibberish mean?

By perdix | 29

#5553435 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:12

Stupid is as stupid does.

You probably dodged a bullet by not ending up with that one. On the other hand, he'd probably be too dumb to cheat on you -- accidentally showing up at home instead of meeting his mistress at the motel.