Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 06:39 - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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Rock, hard place

Don't shoot the messenger

Vultures

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 06:57 - United States - Baxter

Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML

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By paranoid - 6/6/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By assholedad - 11/2/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Tomatoe Face - 22/4/2014 05:31 - United States - Antioch

Today, I used a facial mask for super sensitive skin, recommended by several friends with similar skin issues. Apparently, when the warning says, "May cause some slight redness for thirty minutes", it really means, "Your face will have hives and swell to twice its normal size for several hours." FML

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By allidoiswrkwrkwrknomttrwht - 23/10/2016 15:59

Today, I found out my request to have off on Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years was denied, because I work the evening shift every year on Thanksgiving and that's convenient for everyone else. FML

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By Nochnoii - 7/10/2009 20:07 - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Hooker - 28/3/2013 23:58 - United States

Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

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By Anon - 25/11/2009 01:54 - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

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By Arcanin3Boss - 23/6/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/3/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2019 18:00

It is free

Today, I've decided to pay for sex. Stopped at a hooker and asked how much would it cost for a blowjob. Apparently she was a boy and told me: "If you suck my penis first, it is free". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 14:00

Dumb question

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

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By BeatenUpPup - 18/5/2009 12:22 - Canada

Today, my daughter and I were at a school carnival. At the face painting station, she sat down and asked for a kitty on her face. Next, she shoved me on a chair and whispered something into the lady's ear. I ended up with a 'black eye' by request of my own daughter. She's 4. FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - 1/5/2013 14:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 10:35 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, my mom said if I dont get straight A's in my classes this year, she'll get the school to hold me back until I do. I believe her. FML

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By tammylauraine - 29/2/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By Laceylace - 22/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By kaplwv116 - 27/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

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By mylifesucks - 26/3/2011 07:05

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

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By hannax - 16/8/2016 17:26 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

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By lol123 - 10/7/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

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By jacko - 15/8/2010 09:47 - Reserved

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

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By fishruinsex - 8/12/2010 08:46

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By nothisfault - 5/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

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By TrolleyCollector - 13/5/2016 09:10 - Australia - Seymour

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

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By ellesworth - 1/9/2017 23:15

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 10:14 - China

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

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By disappointed - 1/7/2016 03:31 - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By love you too honey boo - 13/1/2020 05:00

Dirty room

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By kissandcontrol01 - 10/10/2015 04:22 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

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By disturbed - 17/3/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

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By bringthemback - 29/3/2014 10:34 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

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By Goodyear - 20/1/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

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By alliobamy - 28/9/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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Top comments

By Chowi_fml | 0

#297364 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:07

High school boyfriends... a waste of time.

By iris85_fml | 0

#297348 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:04

hahahahaha

Comments

By iris85_fml | 0

#297348 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:04

hahahahaha

Reply

hahaohwell | 0

#993830 - Saturday 15 May 2010 5:10

i agree HAHAHAHA

Reply

Aero_boy | 4

#1086252 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 21:38

I agree, but damn.. did you have him in a concentration camp or something?

Reply

nirvanafan980 | 0

#1207283 - Sunday 8 August 2010 9:59

lmfao the girl probably wasn't random

Reply

ZTB13 | 4

#1690354 - Friday 12 November 2010 22:42

Should have one up'ed him... Stand up yell INDEPENDENCE!!!! Ran over to the football team and had a gangbang right there in the high school cafeteria...

I like to think outside the box :)

Reply

GiddywithGlee43 | 9

#6256577 - Wednesday 8 April 2015 18:32

they were both boys

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6392288 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 13:01

You.. I like you

By hypothetically | 0

#297349 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:04

Meh. Not worth your time.

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#1690511 - Saturday 13 November 2010 0:10

how? this guy is my new hero hahaha

By lazylacey | 0

#297357 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:05

lmao! hilarious!

By Lindsay46789 | 0

#297362 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:07

If you were expecting it, why not dump him first? I take expecting as that you couldn't have been too happy to be with him either.

Reply

bleedforMayheM | 0

#981444 - Sunday 18 April 2010 17:34

too clingy

Reply

yousodi | 8

#3065450 - Monday 8 August 2011 18:38

The pre emptive break up good one lol ive got hand!!

By Chowi_fml | 0

#297364 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:07

High school boyfriends... a waste of time.

Reply

waimcyked10 | 4

#980356 - Friday 16 April 2010 13:40

completely agree.

By Vasir | 2

#297366 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:07

You deserved it for picking asshole boyfriends. Or maybe you just sucked alot.

Reply

pattyrick4321 | 0

#3166061 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 15:06

if she sucked alot, wht guy would bread up with her..?

:D

Reply

RadioOctopus | 16

#4092962 - Sunday 26 February 2012 21:27

MMM bread

Reply

3mILY_maRy629 | 11

#5539261 - Monday 17 June 2013 18:47

Actually it says that OP is a guy.

By shakenbake93 | 0

#297375 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:09

He's the one who made an ass of himself.

Reply

LuckyMeeeeee | 0

#1586009 - Friday 22 October 2010 14:17

Agreed.

By mad_molly | 0

#297378 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:09

shoulda got there first! Though he'd probably still do that anyway :P

By genius_man16 | 0

#297385 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:10

ahahahahahahahahaha

that guy rules.

By Jord111222333 | 0

#297386 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:10

Ahh. Women always need at least one bad "man" to become stronger inside. You may have worse later on! FYL

Reply

skyregit | 0

#473990 - Monday 10 August 2009 11:24

um... the OP is a man

Reply

noliver_fml | 0

#1091740 - Thursday 15 July 2010 0:30

And his boyfriend kissed a girl when he ran away.
So either he made his gay bf straight, or this is totally fake

Reply

sarabraun8 | 7

#1792366 - Saturday 4 December 2010 15:10

how do uk the op is a man

Reply

imHighoffLife | 0

#4893648 - Tuesday 4 September 2012 4:35

It shows it?

Reply

regenerate | 19

#5900510 - Sunday 30 March 2014 21:30

or the op's boyfriend could be bisexual.