Health: Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm from eagerly scratching off...

By Kotoko - United States - Wylie

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm from eagerly scratching off a lottery ticket. No, I didn't win anything. FML

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Kotoko_fml tells us more :

LOL These comments are all hilarious. xD Yeah, I admit, I probably DID deserve it =P Lotto tickets are a money drainage.. =/ Course, you win a few times.. here and there, you get addicted thinking "OK! I am going to win this time!" Yeah.. I really need to stop buying them all the time. It's pathetic how much money I've wasted.. =/ I vote YDI for myself, lol.

Health

Buzzing the tower

Father material

Cloth ears

By anonymous - United States

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

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33200

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9219

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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6232

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420

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

973

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1981

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By nh-Amazon - United States - Plano

Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML

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47221

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent my first day with my parents for the first time in a year as I've been away at university. My dad went to work, and my mum spent the whole day playing mahjong with her friends as they all told me "how fat I've gotten" and how "boys won't like it". FML

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14678

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1291

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML

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4801

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1088

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By Charlayyyy

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

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37547

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By youdontknowwho - 10/5/2020 14:00

Forward thinker

Today, my boyfriend took a picture of us together because he wanted to have something to burn when we break up. FML

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1468

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146

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By candie - United States

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

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46454

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By CreepedOut - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35504

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By newlydumped - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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9621

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding in my friend's car. We passed by a group of cute guys standing by the curb with their skateboards so we slowed down to whistle at them. We then noticed the ambulance taking their friend away on a stretcher. FML

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9449

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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4291

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370

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By Britishboy1991

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9433

You deserved it

750

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By JustAnotherFML23 - United States - Seattle

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

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39379

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By Braced - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9080

You deserved it

38715

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML

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45796

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6976

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

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16189

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34359

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By Icci - United States

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

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9663

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML

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9851

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By hlev24 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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17110

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109721

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By Reggie

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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2559

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195

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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44264

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4244

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By Minabee - United States

Today, I am meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In so doing, I accidentally touched the iron to my neck, and now I have a burn there that closely resembles a hickey. FML

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31887

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4865

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By AlwaysTired - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

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13047

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1518

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By Anonymous

Cool

Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML

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1294

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 20:01

Age appropriate

Today, I got refused a Red Bull because I didn't have my ID on me and you have to be over 16 to legally buy one. I'm 26 and was paying for petrol for the car that I was going to drive away in. FML

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1344

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 23:06 - United States - Hesperia

First Dates

Today, a guy took me on a date to McDonald’s. I smiled, but told him politely that I don’t eat fast food. He called me a stuck-up snob and a high maintenance gold digger who didn’t deserve him. I’m neither. I have IBS and greasy food sets me off. I had to walk home. FML

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1209

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121

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML

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41306

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By BambooLove - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

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22966

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By seethroughpee - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

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32178

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML

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38471

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By kutekittykatz - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

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47182

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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29418

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By Anonymous

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3864

You deserved it

259

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By Anonymous - United States - Davis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

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34696

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6108

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By dumbass - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9845

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26990

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By love_to_live - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12766

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22437

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). That person is my boss. He told everyone. FML

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73140

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By Anonymous

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5437312 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:19

You say that last part as if you were surprised or something.
And you must reaaaaaaaly have been eager. Don't you know those things are a money sink?

By Talooka | 10

#5437313 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:20

Did you buy another ticket for your other arm?

COMMENTS

By Pleonasm | 34

#5437312 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:19

You say that last part as if you were surprised or something.
And you must reaaaaaaaly have been eager. Don't you know those things are a money sink?

MrSassypants | 32

#5437317 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:23

With the garbage disposal always on.

Snowkeys | 11

#5437353 - Saturday 6 April 2013 14:07

Damn you're just rolling in the cash. Who needs a pension when you have 2 dollar scratch tickets.

tjv3 | 10

#5437997 - Sunday 7 April 2013 1:37

I'm sure the one winner of the 350 million thought it was a money sink... Oh wait nah he didn't

NeatNit | 32

#5438373 - Sunday 7 April 2013 7:08

Quit while you're ahead. They wouldn't be selling them unless they were statistically making a profit, and the more you buy the more you fall into statistics.

By Talooka | 10

#5437313 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:20

Did you buy another ticket for your other arm?

Pleonasm | 34

#5437318 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:24

Might as well go for a full body work out while you're at it, OP. Never miss leg day.
These things cost an arm and a leg.

Wimoweh | 10

#5437326 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:31

Full body workout? I'm trying to see how he'd manage an ab crunch. Ooh ooh, I know! Tape it to his knees, and then put a quarter in his mouth, and every rep scratch a bit off.

Padreschargers7 | 14

#5438438 - Sunday 7 April 2013 8:35

Talooka!

By jessmeatsix | 5

#5437315 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:21

oops, that sucks!

wldd0g | 9

#5437496 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:47

Someone needs to workout.

By DocBastard | 38

#5437319 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:25

Be careful next time you masturbate...

Pleonasm | 34

#5437323 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:28

Anyone ever get their hand stuck in or something, Doc?

gracehi | 31

#5437342 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:45

Wouldn't surprise me. Damn tilted uterus.

mattlw | 25

#5437410 - Saturday 6 April 2013 15:57

Lets be honest, we were all thinking it. It just needed someone with the nuts to say it! Good call Doc.

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5438426 - Sunday 7 April 2013 8:22

OP I would disagree with your statement.
From my point of view it appears as though you won a trip to the hospital.

By gracehi | 31

#5437322 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:28

You sure are eager to pay your poor tax. If everyone was so cooperative we could really stick it to the IRS and make half of them unemployed.

gc327072 | 29

#5437655 - Saturday 6 April 2013 19:18

^wut

By SnuWolf | 15

#5437324 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:30

How do you pull a muscle from scratching a lottery ticket? I get that you were eager but unless you moved your entire arm furiously while scratching I see it impossible to do so.