Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm from eagerly scratching off...

By Kotoko - 6/4/2013 04:59 - United States - Wylie

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm from eagerly scratching off a lottery ticket. No, I didn't win anything. FML

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Kotoko_fml Say more :

LOL These comments are all hilarious. xD Yeah, I admit, I probably DID deserve it =P Lotto tickets are a money drainage.. =/ Course, you win a few times.. here and there, you get addicted thinking "OK! I am going to win this time!" Yeah.. I really need to stop buying them all the time. It's pathetic how much money I've wasted.. =/ I vote YDI for myself, lol.

Health

Long story short

Banished

Tidy your room

By waterballoons - 27/7/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

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By Michelle - 3/8/2011 06:01 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2013 20:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

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By DemonicDummy - 5/1/2017 05:06

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

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By thedogwalker - 9/8/2020 08:02

Mistaken identity

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2016 20:13

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

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By Tanner - 7/4/2012 02:26 - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

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By qourt - 14/2/2019 15:34 - United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

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By roberto - 12/11/2010 23:48 - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

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By Jpah - 24/6/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice, we were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes she asked me "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?". She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

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By Kere - 3/2/2011 16:42 - Sweden

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

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By Broke - 28/5/2012 09:38 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By JadedBaker - 8/7/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

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By 1meme129 - 24/2/2016 14:12 - United States - Denver

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

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By yosenfal - 28/4/2012 01:04 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

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By MC - 15/8/2011 02:51 - Canada

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2012 19:56 - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

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By me - 15/7/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

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By 909 - 19/9/2009 23:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

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By I piss upon thee - 13/5/2016 18:35 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

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By workworkwork - 27/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 19:16 - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

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By seriously wtf - 8/3/2013 03:18 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2011 00:49 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML

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By MiserableMan - 10/6/2014 04:02 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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By CmS_1733 - 11/2/2016 18:59 - United States - Pottsville

Today, after long day at work, I stopped by my parents' house to say hi. After 30 minutes into the visit, my dad turns to me and asks, "Did you really have to stop by while I was balls deep?" Apparently I interrupted my parents' sex time. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 21/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - 29/3/2015 14:03 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

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By - 23/12/2018 04:00

Today, I had to go meet my professor at 12. I wound up showing up almost an hour late. Why? Because she doesn't teach at the campus I registered at. I wound up having to visit TWO different campuses before I reached the right one. FML

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By Jake Leiter - 20/3/2016 18:12 - United States - Grantham

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

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By shway - 15/7/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

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By anaph0re - 1/2/2009 15:52 - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

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By harro101 - 5/3/2010 05:24 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By hardee fucking har yourself, sir - 7/8/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By ihatemyjob - 3/9/2015 03:37 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5437312 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:19

You say that last part as if you were surprised or something.
And you must reaaaaaaaly have been eager. Don't you know those things are a money sink?

By Talooka | 10

#5437313 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:20

Did you buy another ticket for your other arm?

COMMENTS

By Pleonasm | 34

#5437312 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:19

You say that last part as if you were surprised or something.
And you must reaaaaaaaly have been eager. Don't you know those things are a money sink?

MrSassypants | 32

#5437317 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:23

With the garbage disposal always on.

Snowkeys | 11

#5437353 - Saturday 6 April 2013 14:07

Damn you're just rolling in the cash. Who needs a pension when you have 2 dollar scratch tickets.

tjv3 | 10

#5437997 - Sunday 7 April 2013 1:37

I'm sure the one winner of the 350 million thought it was a money sink... Oh wait nah he didn't

NeatNit | 32

#5438373 - Sunday 7 April 2013 7:08

Quit while you're ahead. They wouldn't be selling them unless they were statistically making a profit, and the more you buy the more you fall into statistics.

By Talooka | 10

#5437313 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:20

Did you buy another ticket for your other arm?

Pleonasm | 34

#5437318 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:24

Might as well go for a full body work out while you're at it, OP. Never miss leg day.
These things cost an arm and a leg.

Wimoweh | 10

#5437326 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:31

Full body workout? I'm trying to see how he'd manage an ab crunch. Ooh ooh, I know! Tape it to his knees, and then put a quarter in his mouth, and every rep scratch a bit off.

Padreschargers7 | 14

#5438438 - Sunday 7 April 2013 8:35

Talooka!

By jessmeatsix | 5

#5437315 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:21

oops, that sucks!

wldd0g | 9

#5437496 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:47

Someone needs to workout.

By DocBastard | 38

#5437319 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:25

Be careful next time you masturbate...

Pleonasm | 34

#5437323 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:28

Anyone ever get their hand stuck in or something, Doc?

gracehi | 31

#5437342 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:45

Wouldn't surprise me. Damn tilted uterus.

mattlw | 25

#5437410 - Saturday 6 April 2013 15:57

Lets be honest, we were all thinking it. It just needed someone with the nuts to say it! Good call Doc.

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5438426 - Sunday 7 April 2013 8:22

OP I would disagree with your statement.
From my point of view it appears as though you won a trip to the hospital.

By gracehi | 31

#5437322 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:28

You sure are eager to pay your poor tax. If everyone was so cooperative we could really stick it to the IRS and make half of them unemployed.

gc327072 | 29

#5437655 - Saturday 6 April 2013 19:18

^wut

By SnuWolf | 15

#5437324 - Saturday 6 April 2013 13:30

How do you pull a muscle from scratching a lottery ticket? I get that you were eager but unless you moved your entire arm furiously while scratching I see it impossible to do so.