Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever:...

By aaaaahhhh - 6/4/2013 08:51 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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Transportation

Race against the clock

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TMI

By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By K-Rat - 9/10/2016 12:16 - United States

Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2009 07:24 - South Africa

Today, I was painting the garage door. After 3 hours, I finally finished the job. As I was walking back inside, accidentally pressed the button that opens and closes the garage door. Not only did the paint job get messed up as it went up, the paint also dripped onto my parents brand new car. FML

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By Crash - 30/6/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By anonymous - 24/6/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

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By stillwaiting - 15/9/2009 21:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boss plays a trick on all the interns. He calls you to his office, then leaves you waiting outside until you get annoyed and leave. Apparently, the old record was 45mins. I waited 4 hours. FML

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By vkryss13 - 22/6/2015 19:10 - Guam - Tamuning

Today, I accidentally sat on my sister's imaginary monkey. She then stabbed me with a pencil. I still can't get the piece of graphite out of my hand. FML

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By SisterOfTard - 10/11/2014 16:31 - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

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By EdibleCape - 28/5/2020 23:00

Nerves of steel

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broken up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

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By unluckydude - 29/6/2013 22:19 - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 05:00

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

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By Sleeping moody - 8/8/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By Brittany - 18/6/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2011 13:37 - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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By Heather212 - 26/10/2017 07:26

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

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By deaddoggy - 2/3/2016 20:46 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

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By fuckyouharddad - 15/4/2014 19:24 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

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By lexigan4 - 29/10/2014 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

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By coveholli - 15/11/2014 14:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 05:03 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I started the internship of my dreams. The company has nothing for me to do, so I sit and stare at the clock. FML

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By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - 6/8/2015 10:50 - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

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By - 25/1/2019 20:00

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By PlaneGuy - 25/2/2017 01:00 - Reunion - Saint-denis

Today, I was on a plane and a cute girl was getting ready to sit down beside me, but upon making eye contact, she asked to switch seats. FML

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By jdot747 - 18/1/2009 01:48 - Canada

Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I told my crush of two years that I love him. He responded with an, "Aww, I'm sorry." and a pity hug. FML

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By management - 21/2/2014 02:31 - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

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By Ugh - 13/12/2016 14:39

Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML

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By lalalalalala - 17/3/2011 16:56 - United States

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

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By dad, please - 16/5/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 04:19 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

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By humanchewtoy - 7/7/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

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By Ali - 5/3/2017 22:30 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5437437 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:18

Lesson 2: Brakes.

By Wizardo | 33

#5437432 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:17

Be glad it wasn't on the motorway and it wasn't serious...

COMMENTS

By Sinamoi | 18

#5437425 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:14

On the bright side, you're not hoofing it home.

wldd0g | 9

#5437486 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:41

Those brake lines are part of the success of the trip. Doesn't matter how far you get if you can't finish. Just ask the people who make cakes.

sirpantselot | 22

#5439614 - Monday 8 April 2013 6:25

Or rather, on the bright side, you're no longer in Sydney :D

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5439615 - Monday 8 April 2013 6:26

How do you crash into a drive way?...

thefmlman2011 | 34

#6324880 - Friday 19 June 2015 9:01

#69, i like Sydney. mainly because its so culturally friendly.

By Dark__Angel66 | 24

#5437427 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:16

At least you made it that far without crashing. Hope there wasn't too much damage!

zandalee | 19

#5438040 - Sunday 7 April 2013 2:55

It's actually more common to have accidents within 500 meters of your home, than anywhere else. I guess you relax more close to or in the driveway... :)

By pbonham | 22

#5437430 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:16

Just think, it could be worse....

By Wizardo | 33

#5437432 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:17

Be glad it wasn't on the motorway and it wasn't serious...

By perdix | 29

#5437437 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:18

Lesson 2: Brakes.

By kurodansei | 16

#5437438 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:19

10 for the dismount and execution.... 3 for the landing.

By Linkerdoodles | 15

#5437441 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:20

Story of my life OP. :l At least you didn't end up a skid mark and scraps of metal wrapped around a tree.

FightMyLiger | 19

#5437890 - Saturday 6 April 2013 23:17

I bet there was a skid mark left somewhere.

By CaptainBlack | 18

#5437447 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:24

I actually did a similar thing. Took a 130 mile trip, ended up skidding into a curb within walking distance of my house. At least you didn't need to figure out how to get home without a car!

By seriouscat | 11

#5437452 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:27

Gold star for you! You tried!

By TwinChapter | 15

#5437459 - Saturday 6 April 2013 16:29

At least you won't get sued for crashing in your driveway!