Love: Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/09/2013 14:16 - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 526

You deserved it 7 100

Compromises

Another great day to be alive

FOOTBALL player reveals TRUTH!

By Anonymous - 28/08/2012 23:08 - United States - Merrillville

Today, I announced to my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He immediately denied that it was his because "a childhood accident" supposedly left him sterile. He has a child from a previous relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 789

You deserved it 5 841

Last to know

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 04:01 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I finally found out what happened to my ex-girlfriend from my high school days, since a few years ago she suddenly stopped using social media and never returned my texts or calls to see how she was doing. Turns out she died, and no one bothered to inform me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 79

By TheJeremyMoe - 11/08/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 630

You deserved it 100

By mrrichkid - 06/03/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 944

You deserved it 3 683

Thanks for the memories

By Bpride1 - 10/11/2021 23:00 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I was victim to not one but two narcissists. I'd totally thought that these people were my friends, but everyone warned me that, "They’re only your friends when they need something from you.” I should’ve listened. I constantly felt like they were just using me. A "Thank you" goes a long way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 212

SHAME!

By Poowee - 18/09/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it wouldn't go down the pipes. After about ten panic-filled minutes, I noticed the cat litter box. I carefully scooped out my logs, and buried them in the cat litter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 553

You deserved it 49 323

By geeshock1987 - 15/04/2013 05:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just remembered that I changed my Gmail display name to "Rice Ball" out of privacy-paranoia a while back. I've been using this same email to apply to several professional jobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 906

You deserved it 39 591

By hale_551 - 11/09/2015 16:34

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 968

You deserved it 1 552

By lovelikewoe - 11/07/2010 01:00 - United States

Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 597

You deserved it 5 377

By Kev - 20/08/2014 17:53 - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 061

You deserved it 43 710

By hannahlorraine - 25/11/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 148

You deserved it 2 796

By Anonymous - 12/03/2013 14:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 002

You deserved it 3 097

Blood is thicker…

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 13:57

Spicy

Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 79

By Noname - 08/02/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 116

You deserved it 3 818

By Ohdear - 16/06/2019 15:08 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was holding the ladder while my husband was in the attic, and I let out a silent fart, thinking he wouldn't notice. A minute later, he complained of the dreadful smell and told me he was checking for a dead animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 573

By sumhub94 - 14/05/2013 16:48 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 581

You deserved it 3 903

By Anonymous - 02/11/2009 17:48 - United States

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 438

You deserved it 39 735

By sweetie808 - 28/01/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 666

You deserved it 1 775

The Nerve!

By Mike - 17/09/2019 02:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 216

Teamwork

By Anonymous - 24/11/2021 05:01

Today, my newborn daughter has kept me up all day and all night for the past few days. Usually my husband sleeps. I finally cracked and yelled for his help, only for him to scream at me that he needs sleep and gives her to me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 158

By atleastshelldiefirst - 13/10/2012 00:18 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 887

You deserved it 1 781

By Anonymous - 31/10/2013 20:42 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 556

You deserved it 3 528

By BFH4Life - 30/11/2011 09:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 832

You deserved it 5 725

By libraries are a girl's best friend - 19/07/2013 21:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 892

You deserved it 35 583

By treegirl - 26/07/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 824

You deserved it 39 692

By joeheathen - 13/11/2009 12:57 - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 405

You deserved it 6 590

By Anonymous - 24/04/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 309

You deserved it 10 438

By Teresa - 28/05/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 974

You deserved it 42 620

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 05:33

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 737

You deserved it 12 012

By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 880

You deserved it 1 189

By The greatest Illusion ever - 28/10/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, I went to school without any makeup on. The guys who usually compliment me for being pretty are now calling me "The Greatest Illusion Ever". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 104

You deserved it 21 344

By nalathelionqueen - 10/08/2012 22:44 - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 466

You deserved it 3 066

By davav74 - 15/06/2012 23:31 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 591

You deserved it 1 927

By Casper - 11/02/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 099

You deserved it 2 868

By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 02:35 - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 414

You deserved it 2 350

Cough it up

By kaitlyn is here - 27/04/2021 05:01

Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 228

Mystery person

By How - 18/04/2018 01:30

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 726

You deserved it 199

By projectfain - 22/05/2013 12:28 - United States - Akron

Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 833

You deserved it 3 188

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 734

You deserved it 8 950

By outofluckdude - 01/09/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a group of friends when I got into a conversation with this really attractive girl who I've liked for months. She asked me what school I go to. I sit to her left in biology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 697

You deserved it 3 638

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:06

That's okay. The spiders are willing to be your friends and accompany you.

immunetoinsanity 23

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:08

Get your friends to clean them off! Oh wait..

Comments

Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:06

Okay...wipe them off

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:14

You didn't finish your sentence. Wipe them off...with fire*

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:20

That OP has finally realized he doesn't clean and possibly maintain his vehicle as often as he should...duh.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:24

I think most of us get the point of the FML, but we all really hate fucking spiders.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:26

Thank you for correcting me #16. Use of fire is encouraged when dealing with spiders and spider webs.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:26

OP needs some friends :/

amDes 11

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:33

I understood that OP probably has no friends to ride shotgun, but my first thought was still "time to get out the napkins and clean that shit"

perdix 29

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:54

#12, I know, Alan! Clearly, the point of the story is the OP is raising spiders and doesn't have cobwebs on his driver's-side door, which is cutting his spider range in half. It's so obvious.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 20:02

Those spiders that don't fuck are pretty cool, though.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 21:21

Just drive it into a lake. That will get them off

gAt_d 26

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 21:34

Wiping off the cobwebs are certainly easy enough but I get the notion that the cobwebs also represent the OP's loneliness. Maybe I'm reading far more into it...

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Thursday 12 September 2013 0:09

#74, you're right. It's supposed to represent his lack of friends or loneliness, something like that.

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Thursday 12 September 2013 3:21

Dont fuck them then.

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Thursday 12 September 2013 4:24

Yes. I concur

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:06

Clean your car op. That's disgusting. :/

badluckdawson 19

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:22

You didn't get it...

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:23

I get that op should clean his car regardless of having friends or not.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:27

Cleaning is for losers that have lives. I have no life; fuck cleaning.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 21:18

cleaning is for people with no friends. he doesn't have friends so why waste his precious friendless time

SomeRandomGuy15 18

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Thursday 12 September 2013 1:27

70- Cleaning is for people with no friends; He has no friends, therefore he shouldn't waste his time cleaning. What the hell?

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:06

That's okay. The spiders are willing to be your friends and accompany you.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 22:22

This reminds me of Charlottes web :D

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Thursday 12 September 2013 3:12

Spiders are the root of all evil. Yes, they may befriend you but they may also be planning your death.

Blackcatluck 19

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Thursday 12 September 2013 4:39

No, that's a cat's job

bellydancer82 15

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:07

This is one of the dumbest FMLs I've ever read.... Oh no! No one goes in the passengers side so there's cobwebs! Well... Just wipe them off.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:07

Hey, you're carpooling; it's not so bad.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:08

Decorating your car for Halloween or forever alone? Take your pick.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:08

You need more friends.

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 23:45

Nah. Friends are people and people are terrible inventions.

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Thursday 12 September 2013 18:26

9 - Way to read in between the lines. Proud of yah

immunetoinsanity 23

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:08

Get your friends to clean them off! Oh wait..

baxeh 29

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:09

Try offering some strangers a ride!

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:17

What could possibly go wrong?

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:17

How about that fellow down the road? His machete looks nice.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 20:04

The spiders will protect OP if something goes wrong.

baxeh 29

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 20:33

I dont see anything wrong with the plan, infact, we should encourage it everywhere! Lets start at the schools.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 19:12

TUCK AND ROLL! Then watch your car crash and burst into flames, along with whatever owned those webs.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 107

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 2 600