Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

Take it easy on yourself

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

Rubbing it in

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

Bang one out

Today, I’ve been so stressed out lately about my health and mounting bills that my insomnia has returned with vengeance. I thought I’d masturbate to help get some relief, but turns out I’m too tired to even do the deed. Too exhausted to release, but my brain still won’t let me sleep. FML

Can't be bothered

Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

Bad ********

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML