Miscellaneous: Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers...

By DarkPhoenix - France

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Zoomers zooming

Never flip flop and drive

By ShakeRattleHiss - Canada

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

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By Beard

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

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By sandra - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 20:01

Bustin' my ass

Today, I went in for an interview. While I was waiting to be called, I used the restroom. When I stood up to wipe, I slipped on the floor and fell ass first into the unflushed toilet. I was found an hour later, covered in my own shit and too injured to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Merrimack

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

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By NickC - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

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By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the park with my friend and we decided to swing. While we were swinging, we decided to jump off backwards. All would have worked out fine if my pants hadn't gotten caught on the metal of the swing, leaving my bare butt exposed. The man who was in the park with his daughter left. FML

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By Mayabie - France

Today, at my job in the cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like you. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

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By NotAnExcuse - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By forever alone - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By thebigguy

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

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By -__- - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By chickenlover - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

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By pierced. - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

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By Anownimous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

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By hunta331

Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By partycats - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Eva - France

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

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By jeanstein

Today, I got a call from this drunk man, asking for Celeste. Since I don't know any Celestes, I told him that he had the wrong number. He kept calling for her. Apparently he can't take a hint that she didn't give him her real number, and I get to deal with him. FML

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By IRum - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By unemployed

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

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By thanks iphone - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

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By Alohaporno - Canada

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

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By 552220000

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family's named me "the hobbit". FML

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Top comments

By shrillace | 0

#52668 - Monday 23 March 2009 17:09

The 20-somethings of the '60s are the 60-somethings of the 2000s. Don't forget that.

By kottdawg | 0

#29480 - Friday 13 March 2009 6:43

HAHAHAHA old people do know whats best

COMMENTS

By Eir_fml | 1

#3171 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 2:17

You should have told her the flowers were for your mother. Alternatively, what if they were? That would have sucked.

Mattxy8 | 5

#2907686 - Saturday 16 July 2011 19:29

How is this in any way shape or form a FML?

By Ximmie | 0

#11770 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:33

AHAHA!!! Amazing. :)

By Sgt_Schadenfreud | 0

#25490 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 1:07

I love pensioners.

By snoopy24_fml | 0

#28422 - Thursday 12 March 2009 18:33

HAHA wow...

By kottdawg | 0

#29480 - Friday 13 March 2009 6:43

HAHAHAHA old people do know whats best

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30932 - Saturday 14 March 2009 5:20

Sounds like something my grandma would say. My grandma is crazy. :)

By shrillace | 0

#52668 - Monday 23 March 2009 17:09

The 20-somethings of the '60s are the 60-somethings of the 2000s. Don't forget that.

SteppenBeatle | 3

#6055216 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 4:05

Yes. Awesome

By Empleh | 4

#83814 - Sunday 5 April 2009 7:44

Listen to your elders.

By maggiewalters | 17

#101210 - Saturday 11 April 2009 5:24

well, she's right!

By glamourful | 0

#259952 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:13

how is this a FML??? That's fucking awesome!

pothopper | 0

#1324415 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 1:44

MLIA !!

HK416_fml | 0

#2209390 - Sunday 20 March 2011 4:26

I concurr