Kids: Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned... - FML

By thedancingtit - 07/06/2016 05:11 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned 2 new words from him. One of them was "Hail" and the other one was "Satan". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 996

You deserved it 2 328

Leave us alone

Sorry…

Always check for tits

By Female Struggles - 16/05/2014 23:20 - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 487

You deserved it 16 967

By Danny - 25/04/2011 13:07

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 765

You deserved it 4 596

By Anonymous - 22/09/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 261

You deserved it 794

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 630

You deserved it 3 705

Thievery

By DeaazGurl - 22/01/2021 17:01

Today, the medicine I keep at my desk for headaches is now gone thanks to my coworker who took the last 6 Advil at once. Her reasoning? "You're thin, so you wouldn't need them anyway. I'm twice your size, so I needed twice the dose." FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 02/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 703

You deserved it 2 913

By Anonymous - 28/02/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 659

You deserved it 3 650

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 956

You deserved it 45 238

By Anonymous - 07/09/2018 03:30

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 013

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 21/03/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 378

You deserved it 3 221

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Spicy

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 947

You deserved it 149

The precious truck

By Anonymous - 05/09/2021 11:00

Today, I got fired because, while responding to an emergency page for the volunteer fire department to help find a man in a field with a gunshot wound, I backed into a rock with the company truck that I drive to and from work. Nobody asked about the guy with the bullet inside him. He's OK now, in case anyone cares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 133

By ldn - 21/03/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 538

You deserved it 12 932

The urge

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 05:02

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 184

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 880

You deserved it 6 746

By Allie - 29/10/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 009

You deserved it 2 796

By Anonymous - 05/01/2011 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 482

You deserved it 3 413

By kellie1115 - 10/04/2012 04:41 - United States - Rowlesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 119

You deserved it 5 735

Bye bye Tiddles

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 05:02

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 98

By DumbFish - 05/04/2017 22:00

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 752

You deserved it 971

By LoveStinks - 18/08/2016 10:56

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 146

You deserved it 2 536

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 14:01 - United States - Waterville

Spicy

Today, I spent four hours at the ER because I had a miscarriage. The father of the baby was being sweet and supportive while I was there and checked in on me after I got home. Six hours after we found out we lost our baby, he asked for a threesome. He still doesn’t understand what’s wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 488

You deserved it 214

By 117halo12345 - 17/12/2015 21:37 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 262

You deserved it 21 634

By Joey - 04/06/2016 18:52 - United States - Apo

Spicy

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 001

You deserved it 2 587

By Dave - 10/09/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 403

You deserved it 3 554

By mvp - 26/07/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 840

You deserved it 3 465

I'm normal, I swear

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 18:01

Today, I was doing weird voice impressions for my friend right before the doorbell rang and I had the front window open. The postman looked at me strangely, handed me my parcel and didn't say a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 200

By Anonymous - 21/07/2013 21:49 - Canada - Drumheller

Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 047

You deserved it 3 763

By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 135

You deserved it 2 886

By jdancerchick - 16/11/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 202

You deserved it 4 697

By anonymous - 05/05/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 500

You deserved it 6 289

By Anonymous - 19/09/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 618

You deserved it 36 613

By Anonymous - 02/05/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 025

You deserved it 17 835

By Anonymous - 12/12/2016 06:33

Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 674

You deserved it 539

By Anonymous - 22/05/2010 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 547

You deserved it 46 990

By youngboob - 21/10/2014 15:42 - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 136

You deserved it 3 671

By Anonymous - 18/03/2010 10:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 196

You deserved it 38 018

Gentle prank

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 22:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my little sister swapped out the hard white cheese on the meat-cheese platter with slices of white chocolate and put some Skittles into the bowl of M&M's. My limited circle of friends and family in our safe social pandemic bubble think it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 81

By Dalistair - 23/05/2013 23:25 - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 632

You deserved it 2 791

By Badlucked - 03/05/2019 06:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 369

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:40

All you have to do is replace "Satan" with "Hydra" and Boom! A new Captain America is born

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:47

Aww she makes such a cute little demon. Keep an eye out for goat heads and pentagrams.

Comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:40

Well then. I wouldnt let your brother baby sit anymore

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 4:24

Sounds like you need a visit from our great lord and savior.

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 4:26

Satan

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:40

All you have to do is replace "Satan" with "Hydra" and Boom! A new Captain America is born

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 18:18

The geek in me wants to correct you and say that if anything, a new Red Skull would be born, but the rest of me has beaten him up, and he's down on the ground, feeling around for his broken glasses.

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 19:16

The geek in me joins in your inner geek's beat down. Read the Captain America reboot. Captain America: Steve Rogers No. 1 ends with Captain America saying "Hail Hydra." (And before anybody says it's not really him, Nick Spencer, the current Cap writer has stated that it isn't a clone or affected version. This is who Captain America is (as of now).)

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 19:36

Looks like the geek won, huh?

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 19:38

I take that back, Tripartita. You are no longer the biggest geek on this post...

Bragi 12

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 4:08

@2: You win.

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:40

Sounds like your brother is a little too immature to babysit your daughter.

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:42

...or he worships satan and is trying to convert her daughter, hopefully just immature.

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 1:45

Y'all mothafuckas need Lucifer.

RinoaHeartilly 36

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 5:51

So what if he is a satanist and trying to convert her? Christians do it to everyone else.

Send a private message

Thursday 9 June 2016 1:53

And besides, if God kills thousands of children with cancer he "works in mysterious ways", but if Satan does it he's "the devil". #doublestandards

Send a private message

Thursday 9 June 2016 19:28

If you actually read the doctrine of the church of Satan, they're actually pretty amazing. They preach doing whatever the fuck you want as long as you aren't screwing with other people's lives. They advocate kindness and don't judge the fuck out of everyone like Christians do.

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:47

Aww she makes such a cute little demon. Keep an eye out for goat heads and pentagrams.

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:57

Am I correct in presuming you have a similar origin story involving the words "dancing" and "tit" OP?

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 19:39

Nope. That's actually OP's real name...

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 18:00

I would teach him the words "ass" and "kick" in return.

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 7:01

That's cause it was a kickass idea. Right?

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 18:17

I think I moderated this :o

QueenBeeGotStung 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 18:22

Well, at least it wasn't cussing ;P

gte225 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 18:52

Be glad it wasn't the H guy.

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 6:15

#11 it would be the same!, now wouldn't it? Op you need to open up a can of whoop *** on that brother of yours!

jow96 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 18:52

My friend once taught their nephew to say heil hitler, I'm not sure which is worse

RinoaHeartilly 36

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 20:04

Hitler. Hitler is worse.

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 22:10

In some countries saying this in public could lead to problems. When you say the satan version people will usually think /understand you are joking

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 50

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 3

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 266

You deserved it 55