Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered... - FML

By Classy Broad

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Planned assault

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By meh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my landlady if she could fix the air conditioner that's been broken since I moved in. Instead, she came round and took away my bathroom mirror, along with all the toilet paper. FML

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By huh? - 28/9/2020 05:02 - United States

It is weird

Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML

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By Al Staten

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By noononononono - United States - Sacramento

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

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By unnamed - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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By Guaranteed my ar*e - 15/11/2020 23:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Fishy anxiety

Today, I'm waiting for some live fish to be delivered for my tank. They were guaranteed by 1 p.m., so I took the morning off work. I've been unable to concentrate and have bee jumping every time a car door slams, so anxious to get them. It's now 4 p.m. FML

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By lani - 24/5/2021 00:00

Dream baby dream

Today, and since I decided to cut back on unhealthy foods, my last five dreams were literally just slideshows of junk food. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 14:01

Thanks, Shep

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl - United States - University Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only staying with me because I’m getting him a signed poster for Christmas. FML

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By igiveup - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

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By jaci - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By surprise - United States

Today, I was getting ready to go to a surprise party I'd planned for my best friend. All was going well on the discretion part until I logged onto Facebook. I saw that my sister had set her status to, "At Natalie's surprise party! BBL!" Natalie had liked it. FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By Poop - United States

Today, I was in a video chat with an old friend who I haven't talked to in years, and my mom walks in. The first thing she says is, "Did you close the toilet after you pooped? Cause today on the news I heard that your poop particles can fly up to 25 feet, landing on your toothbrush." FML

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By fishingforubies2 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By macaroni17 - United States - New Oxford

Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said "excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobbs

We got a reader!

Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML

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By crippled shopper - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

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By Heifer - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By Jess-zee - Canada

Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close to $300 on her Mother's Day present. Later, my little brother drew her a card with crayons on pink construction paper. She cried. He is 20 years old. FML

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By Anonymous

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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By independence - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 21:30

Tinder surprise

Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML

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By accidentalsmartass - Japan - Tokyo

He deserved it. Snapping ain't cool unless you're a turtle.

Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

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By Giraafe - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I got grounded because I didn't send my aunt a Mother's Day present. Not only is she not married she doesn't have kids. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so disgusted by my own body, I took a shower in the dark so I wouldn't have to look at myself. FML

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By Wormy - United States

Today, I bit into a Reese's Cup that had been sitting on my desk for a while. As I did, half of a yellow meal worm fell out and landed in front of me, the other half was in my mouth. It was wiggling. FML

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By littlespoon - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

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By cockblockingbitch - United States

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

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By Annoyed student

Today, after extensively researching how to properly use in text citations out of fear of my professor reporting me for citing my quotes incorrectly. She reported me instead for forgetting quotation marks on three of my proudly and properly cited quotes. FML

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Top comments

By ajh1800 | 25

#7803230 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 22:40

I don't get whats so bad about this? I just looked it up and it's actually a really pretty hair color. They come up with all kinds of crazy hair trends and colors like "peanut butter and jelly" hair...plus buttered toast and PB&J are both delicious, sooo 🤷🏽‍♀️ better than burnt toast

By RichardPencil | 30

#7803244 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 23:10

Ha! My hair color is “N/A” ;(

COMMENTS

By ajh1800 | 25

#7803230 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 22:40

I don't get whats so bad about this? I just looked it up and it's actually a really pretty hair color. They come up with all kinds of crazy hair trends and colors like "peanut butter and jelly" hair...plus buttered toast and PB&J are both delicious, sooo 🤷🏽‍♀️ better than burnt toast

Reply

baristalbc | 18

#7803302 - Thursday 16 May 2019 4:17

I was thinking the same thing. Seems like it would be a nice hair color is “buttered toast” is an accurate description.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7803244 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 23:10

Ha! My hair color is “N/A” ;(

Reply

manb91gb | 14

#7803246 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 23:19

Heh, never pegged you for a bald guy Mr Pencil!

Reply

manb91gb | 14

#7803249 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 23:25

Heh, never pegged you for a bald guy Mr Pencil!

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7803262 - Thursday 16 May 2019 0:06

Not quite yet, but it may be in the future.

By manb91gb | 14

#7803245 - Wednesday 15 May 2019 23:18

I hope that's because of the colour and not the state of greasiness and dandruff!

By mymegangirl | 7

#7803295 - Thursday 16 May 2019 3:49

you don't like toast?

By luvhamilton | 5

#7803301 - Thursday 16 May 2019 4:16

My natural color is "dirty dishwater blonde" count yourself lucky with "buttered toast" 🤦‍♀️

By LP13413 | 8

#7803339 - Thursday 16 May 2019 8:14

This sounds like something straight out of Ed, Edd n Eddy.

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7803423 - Thursday 16 May 2019 16:05

Buttered toast is delicious. In fact, I'm gonna have some right now.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7803431 - Thursday 16 May 2019 16:21

Missed opportunity to make your username “Classy Bread”

By ollie55 | 3

#7803689 - Friday 17 May 2019 13:10

How is this an FML? What's wrong with buttered toast?

By Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7803737 - Friday 17 May 2019 15:57

Pretty vague, depends how you like your toast!