Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all...

By _Ducks_ - 28/5/2014 04:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML

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_Ducks_ tells us more :

Hey, OP here. I can clear a few things up. She was nearly arrested for breaking and entering and saw a 'cute' boy at the jail. Every day since (without my knowledge) she went to the jail and talked to him. I found out last week.

Kids

Serious times

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By Caqtusmonkey - 25/8/2016 15:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2014 05:24 - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

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By anon - 10/1/2015 02:13 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By why?! - 10/9/2011 01:57 - United States

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

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By BigBallah93 - 5/7/2009 15:23 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - 28/8/2014 10:31 - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Sleep Walking - 23/1/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 15:34 - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

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By NoHipster - 3/6/2020 05:02

Crazy people

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

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By pissed off - 2/7/2014 21:52 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By jaderie - 21/4/2012 09:26 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

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By Alyssa Charlotte - 29/7/2011 02:25 - Mexico

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

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By halfie - 26/9/2015 05:06 - United States - Pigeon Forge

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

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By Too manly - 20/3/2013 04:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

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By gali-ma - 7/2/2015 12:52 - Australia

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

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By NoName - 3/12/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, we had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we were dancing the guy behind me stepped on my skirt. It fell to my ankles... the whole audience saw my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2010 02:28 - France

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

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By moneyman - 5/1/2020 20:00

But I'm a man

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2010 00:32 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

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By nottoosmall - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By icy - 6/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Prairieville

Not fair!

Today, I finally got a cable box for my TV. When I was connecting the cable, my tv fell and shattered the screen. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By cumbucket cops - 16/3/2014 17:53 - United States - Barberton

Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML

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By -_____- - 31/7/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 12:55 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By SickSmick - 9/2/2010 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By marmarr - 15/5/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

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By Noname - 13/2/2009 03:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 23:39 - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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By pitytitty - 9/1/2015 09:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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By Say Cheese - 22/8/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

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By introuble - 23/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

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By MoRuined - 9/10/2014 10:27 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By collegestudent - 1/6/2019 12:00

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

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By GiveADogABone - 15/10/2015 22:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

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By kirassi919 - 20/9/2012 16:50 - United States - North Wales

Today, I decided to help my parents out by tearing down the old, rusty swing set that's been in our backyard for years. Little did I know that there was a beehive hidden in the long grass, and I now have dozens of painful red bumps all over me. FML

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By Lovergirl - 1/1/2010 20:23 - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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Top comments

By duuuh1 | 11

#5959103 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 23:31

Who is she to stop her? HER MOTHER. She's underage, barely knows the boy, it isn't "love" and it's definitely her mother's business who she takes up with.

By R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#5958989 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 21:27

#47, please tell me you're being sarcastic.

COMMENTS

By _Heisenberg__ | 15

#5958738 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:38

Sounds like something Hailey from modern family would do...

Blastoid | 13

#5958886 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 18:52

or something like what Meg did from "Family Guy"..

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5958937 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 20:13

POD - Youth of the Nation...

TheTacoMan | 24

#5960129 - Thursday 29 May 2014 22:20

At least it's a Maximum Security Prison OP!

By JMichael | 25

#5958739 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:39

Tell her if she don't change her choices she'll land herself a permanent spot.

chickenfeet223 | 11

#5959000 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 21:49

And she won't find the love she is looking for in a female jail

Demig0d6 | 14

#5959346 - Thursday 29 May 2014 4:26

Guess she's gonna learn it the hard way

EdenCrystal | 21

#5959405 - Thursday 29 May 2014 6:04

53, she could be bi or lesbian. And county jails hold both sexes, it is generally prisons that are separated.

TheTacoMan | 24

#5960130 - Thursday 29 May 2014 22:21

Or she'll land herself in a cemetery #2

By curlytop101 | 23

#5958740 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:39

I guess that's the real definition of "tough love"

gjikvtj | 18

#5959395 - Thursday 29 May 2014 5:45

Hey dad, I picked up this pretty cool guy. A question about him, though, what's child pornography?

By Kenna515 | 13

#5958741 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#5958754 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

cakefete2 | 30

#5958777 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:54

From behind bars? How would that work? Imagine that conversation. "He did what?! Ok baby, just wait 'til I get paroled. I'll fix him good."

fsomelife | 26

#5958780 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:55

That way she should grab two - so they make sure to protect her from each other in the first place.

Enslaved | 36

#5958876 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 18:40

No parole would be needed. It's county jail not prison we're talking about.
I'd be worried if I were the OP!

EdenCrystal | 21

#5959407 - Thursday 29 May 2014 6:06

So many flaws in that logic

By Harpy20 | 24

#5958755 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:42

Teen angst leads down some of the weirdest paths.

By saucyrossi | 18

#5958757 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:43

Her heart's been imprisoned by love, what can you do about it?

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5958762 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:45

You can't cage her true love.

Ihavegas | 22

#5958778 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:54

she is already in a cage, mental one.

cakefete2 | 30

#5958786 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:56

Well... according to OP, the county already did.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5958765 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:48

What a blockhead

cakefete2 | 30

#5958789 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:57

Ok, Charlie Brown, no need for strong language now.

sweetest_jenn | 18

#5959499 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:15

18, ain't nothing wrong with being a goober!

By Miss_Whipped | 43

#5958774 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:53

Did he steal her heart?