Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I convinced my daughter to tell my wife that the coworker she’s been getting a bit too close to lately touched her inappropriately so she’d stop interacting with him. After arguing and confrontation between the four of us, my daughter threw me under the bus and told them the truth. Now they’re all mad at me. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, my daughter falsely accused me of stealing and snooping through her diary. She later found out that I didn't, but is still angry and not speaking to me because I "made her think that I did." FML
Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML
Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML
Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML
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Top comments
Panther_fml 0
Bring the dummy home... maybe then she will beleive you! FYL
sportsnut 0
haha, that blows, why not bring your daughter back to work with your wife and have your daughter point out the 'woman' you were kissing
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Comments (70)
Ferdinard 0
suuurrrreee, you forgot to mention that you tried to put your (insert word here) in her (insert word here)
redbluegreen 41
You mean his huge, throbbing nose in her patiently waiting, innocent little bellybutton?
SkyDance_fml 0
Blowing on the dummy's stomach in this way woud be an excellent technique- if you can get the victim to laugh, they might spit up what they're choking on.
COBRAMORPH 0
Both of the women you own are bitches.
Jaguaress 2
I agree that you should bring the dummy home, and ask your daughter - in front of your wife - if that's the woman you were kissing. Alternatively, have your daughter describe exactly what happened to your wife. It sucks to be married to someone so paranoid, but I have to ask if you've cheated before, or done things that would make her believe you've cheated?
Ascaryrobot 0
The office is no place for a kid, evil snotty little ***** that don't understand that we have to keep order and it's hard to work when you wail like a banshee for 20 minutes straight. This is why children should be locked up till they're 10, allowed on the internet at 16 and even then only on facebook and other childish sites, I digress. "Rugrats" shouldn't be at an office and if you aren't willing to hire a babysitter then you deserve to have your kid taken away from you. Bad parents with your bad excuses and bad parenting.
Listed_fml 0
Well, it might just be that it was "Bring your daughter to work day" as that is a specific day in America where the parents...bring their daughters to work to empower them and show them what it is like to have a career. That may be why the daughter was there and not just because the dad is a horrible parent. It may also be that the daughter is 5 years old...which would be why she would say that "Daddy kissed a lady at work" but not be able to fully explain the situation to the mom. And...children shouldnt be taken away from their parents because they came to the office. The OP never mentions that the girl is an evil brat or is screaming like a banshee.
fyriwolf666 8
You get bonus points if you make out with the mannequins at the mall. :)
hassenpfeffermmm 0
Your wife must be so sad. Awww.
wesley215 0
we are all missing the point, the real question is why the hell would you kiss the dummie?
missmontreal97 4
your daughter should shut her mouth
wriptidez 0
what a dumb thing 2 happen