Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I convinced my daughter to tell my wife that the coworker she’s been getting a bit too close to lately touched her inappropriately so she’d stop interacting with him. After arguing and confrontation between the four of us, my daughter threw me under the bus and told them the truth. Now they’re all mad at me. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, my daughter falsely accused me of stealing and snooping through her diary. She later found out that I didn't, but is still angry and not speaking to me because I "made her think that I did." FML
Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML
Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML
Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML
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Top comments
Panther_fml 0
Bring the dummy home... maybe then she will beleive you! FYL
sportsnut 0
haha, that blows, why not bring your daughter back to work with your wife and have your daughter point out the 'woman' you were kissing
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Comments (70)
The618princess 0
kids say thee darnedest things!
atomicbaboon 0
is the dummy hot? maybe you two could have a future together. and just think, this one won't get mad if you kiss another woman... or man if you're into that.
Faz7875 2
Divorce the bitch!
skater847 0
fake because your username is fmldr and in a hospital you'd be using an ambu bag for CPR not your mouth
hateevryone 15
you should get on your daughter. its her fault
LyricaSilvan 30
I'm guessing your daughter is very young. Little kids tend to say things like that because they lack a filter. But I'm sure your wife will let you explain once she calms down.