Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose....

By farhia97 - United States

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

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Miscellaneous

Lockdown is driving us down

Cloth ears

"Based on your purchase history…"

By upupandaway - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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By idislikeblanks - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

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By wobble... - Australia

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

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11265

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By liz - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

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By scfead - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

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By mish - United Kingdom - Leominster

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML

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By zztopspinner - United States

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By mynameislor - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

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By hulagirl1217 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

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By Gwayhir - France

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

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By Pimp Daddy

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

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By oaksac191 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

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By thanks Toby dumbfuck - 13/7/2020 14:02

Good job

Today, my roommate read an article about unplugging appliances to save on electricity. Too bad the fucking moron also unplugged the fridge. We came home to a corpse-like stench and a fridge full of moldy food. We were gone for two weeks while the sludge marinated in the California heat. FML

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By Solo coffee

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of 2 and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

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5382

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By birthday bash - France

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. She decided that her "gift to herself" would be to leave the loser who has been holding her back for two years. Hello, my name is Ben, and I am that loser. FML

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33583

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By Ow - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

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13724

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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33867

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By captainlame - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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33745

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By Backed up - United States

I need a suppository

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language: "I need a suppository." FML

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1756

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By Anonymous

LOL AWKS

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

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1733

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML

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By lrn2road - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was screamed at by a lady for riding my bike too slowly in front of her car. I was in the bike lane, and so was she. FML

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By Hmmwtf - Australia

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By - 6/12/2019 20:00

I'm not blind

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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3664

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By farrahfarrest_ - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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54547

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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1588

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By ::Tracy:: - Australia

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

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41635

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By sugarbeet - United States

Sounds nice

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

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32063

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By merkris - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML

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By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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6571

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By asthmasucks - United States

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

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65061

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By cdick - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

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78028

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By hatethatiloveyou - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

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37857

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By mszoe - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

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33066

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By sammyducks227 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML

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By nabru

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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Top comments

By Nico1929 | 5

#3557456 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:07

I WAS CURIOUS!!!

By kimmiekimmiekong | 0

#3557516 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:14

dumb ass *red foreman voice*

COMMENTS

By Nico1929 | 5

#3557456 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:07

I WAS CURIOUS!!!

changesinme | 0

#3557536 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:19

it's not easy being minty

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3557571 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:27

Today, I lost faith in humanity even more. FML

awagh666 | 14

#3557611 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:35

So many places to stick things in, and OP sticks it up the nose. Tsk tsk

Choose_Wisely | 5

#3558594 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 16:22

if it was one of those peppermint patties.. whoa...

FreshlyCut | 0

#3558622 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 16:30

Why so curious george?

WillyHorse19 | 4

#3558699 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 17:03

I moderated this one :D

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3558753 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 17:35

(16)
Today, I learned people still have faith in humanity, WTF

FarSide | 22

#3561592 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 5:08

Like a breath mint? Or the kind they put in the bottom of men's urinals?

trollfaced | 2

#3561933 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 7:42

Altoids - curiously strong mints

rdvfyubuyg | 1

#3570551 - Friday 11 November 2011 1:58

I putting a tic tac up my nose but it doesn't hurt what the hell?

MondRubberduck | 24

#5974160 - Friday 13 June 2014 16:06

Curiosity is the Cats death

By ladyvader401 | 5

#3557460 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:07

I sincerely hope you at least made some money off your friends in exchange for that one.

yankfan89 | 27

#3557803 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 11:35

If not she is an idiot for doing it for free

By fiju | 15

#3557462 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:07

why would you do that? -.-

neverletup21 | 2

#3562763 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 14:25

Question is,y WOULDNT! He do that!?

himoonkey | 8

#3566092 - Thursday 10 November 2011 3:06

Fuck 105 I was gonna say that >:L

himoonkey | 8

#3566094 - Thursday 10 November 2011 3:06

Fuck 105 I was gonna say that >:L

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5849920 - Thursday 6 February 2014 0:23

She

By toxicpinkcandy | 10

#3557475 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:09

Did u mistake it for coke?

Nico1929 | 5

#3557497 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:11

It's a mentos... They're the fresh maker...

FreeDrawn | 7

#3558171 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 13:46

because coke always goes up your nose :)

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3558732 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 17:21

44 - kid, you're 15. You realize by now what kind of coke they meant

By deviable | 9

#3557488 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:11

Sticking something up your nose is always a bad idea.

salsa324 | 0

#3561574 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 5:02

Orly because I stuck a mint up my nose and it got stuck. Ok it is a bad idea!!!!!

pedosmurf | 7

#4111304 - Thursday 1 March 2012 21:33

When I was little I put a popcorn kernel in my ear but I was five you have downs

By bacon1043 | 3

#3557500 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:12

Future doctor over here!

DynamicDave | 11

#3557545 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:21

Dang the mods are fast. Comment I had here is now irrelevant.

By bacon1043 | 3

#3557502 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:12

Future doctor over here!

By Lanaee123 | 0

#3557506 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:13

Dumbass

By Draxanoth | 15

#3557510 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:13

Now when you sneeze it will be minty fresh!!

By Clubkicker_fml | 0

#3557514 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 9:13

You don't need to say it twice