Health: Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML - FML

By blanknameisblank - 09/06/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 607

You deserved it 22 055

Batman

Dysfunctional

Mother of the year

By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 03:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 767

You deserved it 22 193

By Anonymous - 24/01/2017 22:00

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 979

You deserved it 616

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 14:24 - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 663

You deserved it 43 077

By christmaswillneverend - 02/01/2013 00:18 - United States - Red Lion

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 958

You deserved it 11 557

By angel grace - 15/02/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 041

You deserved it 236

By Cait - 30/01/2017 20:00 - Canada - Olds

Today, my friend figured out that if you poke my neck I scratch like a dog. She has yet to cease doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 251

You deserved it 777

By Bahhumbug - 22/12/2014 14:24 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 616

You deserved it 4 249

By Ouch - 19/07/2015 14:36 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 261

You deserved it 2 116

By Anonymous - 01/06/2019 22:00

Today, I found a necklace that my parents had made for me. While looking at it, I realized my parents had spelled my name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 133

By xxbobsan - 21/04/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said "Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied "What's so funny?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 631

You deserved it 5 498

By brokeandcardless - 13/01/2016 12:15 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 2 589

By wideawake - 19/07/2010 08:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 214

You deserved it 5 524

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 833

You deserved it 38 209

By sexandanxiety - 30/04/2015 00:46 - Canada - Stittsville

Spicy

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 545

You deserved it 4 185

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - 16/06/2009 00:32 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 033

You deserved it 6 585

By Anonymous - 13/06/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 362

You deserved it 4 912

By yellowthumb - 03/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 492

You deserved it 551

By Cat vs. Dog - 28/04/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 119

You deserved it 5 034

By Anonymous - 22/10/2014 17:37 - United States - Allen

Today, I got my graduation photos back. I'd sent them to a friend for touching up, but unfortunately we had a major argument recently. I guess that's why in the photos I've been photoshopped out and replaced with a goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 708

You deserved it 7 214

By myparentsarehoes - 03/08/2009 16:33 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 136

You deserved it 5 728

By fatgirl - 16/05/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 899

You deserved it 10 682

By rollerSWEETness - 03/06/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I was on a roller coaster and this 13 year old sitting next to me was completely terrified. To cheer him up, I threw my hands in the air. While my hands were up, we hit a curve and I elbowed him in the face, making him cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 756

You deserved it 15 790

By ThatsNotRight - 26/01/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting my nephews, the 7 year old boy walked up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. An argument ensued about my sexuality for a good two hours. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 758

You deserved it 4 406

By Noname - 05/03/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535 985

You deserved it 52 936

By Anonymous - 01/11/2014 18:23 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 750

You deserved it 5 504

By pathetic - 29/05/2009 02:35 - Canada

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 59 235

By Preggo - 14/05/2016 17:11 - United States - Memphis

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 879

You deserved it 1 411

By teriyaki124 - 21/03/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 443

You deserved it 17 830

By lolzor - 12/03/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 450

You deserved it 105 940

By fubuggie - 14/06/2013 05:57 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 471

You deserved it 5 018

By Tori - 30/12/2017 19:00

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 447

You deserved it 451

By Baskets-Tailleur - 07/07/2014 06:58 - France

Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 427

You deserved it 4 875

By Anonymous - 18/02/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 989

You deserved it 2 445

They exist

By baffleduncle - 27/07/2019 20:00 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 27/01/2014 20:55 - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 452

You deserved it 5 175

By Lexi801 - 19/09/2014 01:56 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 808

You deserved it 2 876

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 764

You deserved it 5 176

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 311

You deserved it 5 815

By germophobe - 02/09/2014 01:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my roommate came back from camping. My toothbrush magically reappeared as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 661

You deserved it 3 335

By failphone - 07/01/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 936

You deserved it 31 447

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:09

How'd you manage that?

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:10

That must have been one massive zit

Comments

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:09

How'd you manage that?

Lebeaugars95 20

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:25

I think it happened when he was trying to pop a zit, don't quote me though, I'm not sure

mageepaigeee44 15

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:39

I've hurt my nose trying to pop pimples. Apparently popping pimples is bad for your skin though and you're supposed to let them heal naturally.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:43

#17, he asked HOW he managed it, not WHEN he managed it.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:49

OP = Retard, how else do you think they managed that?

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:50

You're not very bright are you.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:56

#26 - #17 made no reference to the time at which OP had this mishap.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 2:28

He said "I think it happened WHEN he was trying to pop a zit." That is a time reference, in case you forgot what "when" means.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 2:38

Yeah, sounds rather impressive actually...

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 4:47

It only takes 2 pounds of pressure to break someone's nose.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 7:00

The when is not referring to an actual time, it's referring to the action. If we're going to pick bones, #17's sentence wasn't right and shouldn't really have contained the word 'when'. But, this isn't what we're supposed to be commenting on....

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 8:19

it was probably on the bridge of her nose. I have this tool that I use to help pop pimples and when I use it too hard on the side or bridge of my nose it hurts and I feel like if I'm going to break my nose so I just stop lol

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Wednesday 11 June 2014 22:13

Game of Thrones. Oberyn Martell. Do I need to say more?

weezypanda420 22

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Wednesday 4 November 2015 19:53

I think they were getting a little violent with it...

Nickb55 16

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:10

That must have been one massive zit

mcm_3 16

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:52

And perhaps explosive

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 1:58

The zit was actually OP's nose.

SkittlesGoRawr 19

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 2:23

" Oh shit, this zit is huge! Let me go get my hammer! "

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 7:39

Worse than Don Vito's back zit...

maxhhh 18

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:10

Seems like a real puss of a problem.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:59

I realize you're making a pun, and I understand the reference to pimple popping, but I'm confused as to what word you're trying to make it sound like.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 1:02

"Fuss"

chinaski7628 32

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 7:36

Except 'pus' and 'puss' are two very, very different words. So I'm a little confused as well.

maxhhh 18

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 10:05

I am completely unsure of what word I meant that to be. We'll leave it up to imagination.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:11

Sounds sore,did it work?

SpreadTHEKILLER 14

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 3:00

Well shit I hope so, if he had to go to the extent of breaking his own nose

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 6:38

No. The zit is still there

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:11

hopefully you got that bastard zit?

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 1:15

I agree, cuz that zit sure got OP. Reminds me of the zit Chris from Family Guy had. The zit that pulled a gun on him.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 4:52

Also, It's probably a lot worse to have both a zit and a broken nose, than just the latter...

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:11

You must really hate acne.

lil_miss_simran 15

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:12

ouch! you shouldn't pop zits

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:30

Eh, some of those suckers need to be popped.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:16

Holy fucking Hulk strength.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 1:13

Now that raises a question. What would happen if someone were quick/slick enough to make the hulk hit himself?

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 3:53

The Flash. That would be a beautiful moment.

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 5:02

Quick Silver is better than the Flash.

Dodex 9

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:16

Hope you popped it...

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Tuesday 10 June 2014 0:18

I guess you don't know your own strength.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 137

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 303