Miscellaneous: Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed.... - FML

By dickface - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

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There's no helping some people

Messed up

Thanks for the support

By Tylerdirdin84

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By geli

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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By elvisfreak5446 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

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By Anonymous

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister got me in deep trouble at the store I worked security for. She "dropped by to say hi" and stole a bunch of things when I wasn't looking. I wasn't arrested, due to lack of any evidence. But my boss didn't care about evidence and fired me anyway. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By alex - United States

Today, while working at my new job at a veterinary hospital, I was excited that I set a urinary catheter in a dog for the first time. I guess I was a little too enthusiastic though, because I pulled it out too fast and bloody urine splashed up all over my face. FML

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By leosmom

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By pleasekillme - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, it has been over 3 months since my housemates ended their 1 month long relationship. He's still creepily obsessed with her. He picked the bathroom lock when I was in the shower and tried to get in, and then called me a "fucking c*nt" when he realised it was me in there, not her. FML

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By justmyluck?

Today, I ate at Chipotle. There was a girl sitting alone, so I asked if I could eat lunch with her. She said yes, and as I sat down I tried to open my bag of chips. When trying to do so, my hand slipped, and I punched myself in the face. She laughed, and promptly left. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

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By minaaaaajftw - Norway - Jessheim

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

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By sierra - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Are you sure?

Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML

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By Fmyoffice - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By jackie89 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

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By L - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

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By CollegeKid - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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By Jif_Creamy - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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By Stupid Pregnancy Brain

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By baybuh - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I got a phone call from a friend, who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, wondering if it was my father she saw walking a dog by her house, wearing only his boxers. It was. FML

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By Meg - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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By thanks..?

Today, my dentist said I have a good tongue. That's the best compliment I've gotten in months. FML

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By Olihime - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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By J-Sauce - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, I went to a club with 6 girls thinking it would be awesome. As soon as we got there, they all said they wanted to go dance and asked if I could watch their purses. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

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By Vxale - United States

Today, I met my new dentist. His teeth are worse than mine. FML

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By slickboy0023 - United States

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

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By May - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

COMMENTS

By JaffaMC | 13

#6572100 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

You'd have to be pretty ballsy to go out in public like that. That really sucks, OP, maybe a doctor can help you

By Csoi | 28

#6572101 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

time to invest in large band-aids.

Reply

Skycop_S | 23

#6572182 - Friday 1 April 2016 17:03

But it's a scar?

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6572227 - Friday 1 April 2016 18:07

so you expect OP to cover the scar with band-aids all their life?

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

By mimiminx | 23

#6572104 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:39

I'm sure you're not a dickhead really OP, even if you appear to be one

By The_Avatar | 22

#6572106 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:41

I know that must suck op but i had a scar on my forehead that looked like harry potter...right when the movies were out. It faded almost completely now.

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6572125 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Haha "Harry!! Did you place your dick in goblet of fire?! You've been very naughty Harry"

Sorry op, it was a gay porno.

Reply

OnlySkyrimStays | 11

#6572445 - Saturday 2 April 2016 1:37

Simply replace "wand" with "dick" in Harry Potter for the script.

Reply

bobsanction | 16

#6572477 - Saturday 2 April 2016 3:12

Hairy Cocker and the Pissing like fire

Reply

SoulEaterSE | 23

#6572882 - Saturday 2 April 2016 21:06

They already shot one

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6572110 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:44

And it's on your face? That's sucks.

Reply

A_Don_101 | 14

#6572126 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Or swallows, depends how hardcore your are

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6572115 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:50

Massaging the area with coconut oil every day can reduce scar pigmentation! Also, concealer is a thing if you're looking for a quick fix.

By PingusTheDingus | 31

#6572118 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:53

Well, Dicks.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6572121 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:56

Just get a knife and make the scar look like something else.