Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed.... - FML

By dickface - 1/4/2016 01:52 - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

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Family values

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Vultures

By WhatTheF - 11/7/2016 05:42

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 19:43 - United States - Nutley

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

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By - 16/3/2019 09:00 - United States - Augusta

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

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By its ok to cheat!? - 20/2/2013 21:52 - United States - Brisbane

Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By levit - 8/6/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

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By sadguy - 22/9/2009 18:30 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By hungryman - 14/7/2009 21:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By StevieMe - 8/4/2009 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

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By AngryLittleMan - 23/4/2012 03:00 - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

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By kylie - 25/12/2018 00:00

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 06:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

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By sexyfail - 26/1/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

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By screwed - 22/12/2010 17:56 - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - 10/10/2010 15:16 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 00:51 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

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By tandc - 1/5/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, in a rush to squeeze out of a particularly tight parking spot, I made a hurried 12-point turn. Just to make sure I had enough room behind, I hopped out of my car. It was still in reverse. I managed to wreck my own car without even sitting in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 11:52 - United States - Garland

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

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By arrow - 23/2/2016 20:39 - United States - Pomona

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

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By FriutlessApple - 11/10/2013 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, feeling bored and lonely, I drove into town to wander around the shops and go to Subway for lunch. While there, I picked up two trays and put one on the opposite side of the table, along with some of my rubbish, to make it look like I was with someone. FML

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By resurrected - 4/9/2013 15:59 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 07:06 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 15:36 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

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By Thewatcher - 22/10/2014 08:09 - Mauritius

Today, I tried to download some network-monitoring software for the office as I suspect that one of my staff has been constantly downloading torrents. It wouldn't download because someone was using all the bandwidth. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2015 00:29 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

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By Kronic - 2/7/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

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By Invisible - 22/5/2009 19:27 - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

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By jdch_99 - 3/11/2012 05:34 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By jlee0000785 - 17/9/2012 14:15 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 16:30 - Reserved

Today, I had to escort some dumbass teenager from Home Depot after I found him masturbating in one of the model washrooms. FML

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By mudy247 - 27/4/2017 20:00

Today, it took me longer than it should have with a bit of calculations to remember how old I am. FML

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By I'm an asshole - 3/11/2016 21:46 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

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By spitt - 13/5/2015 02:11 - United States - Franklin

Today, after a big presentation, people sent an open invitation to dinner. When I asked which restaurant and what time, I was told that I wasn't invited. I've been here for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 04:25 - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

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By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - 4/1/2016 05:21 - Australia

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

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By a816090 - 27/5/2019 18:09

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

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By EmbarrassedChild - 30/7/2015 23:24 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2015 14:58 - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

Comments

By JaffaMC | 13

#6572100 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

You'd have to be pretty ballsy to go out in public like that. That really sucks, OP, maybe a doctor can help you

By Csoi | 28

#6572101 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

time to invest in large band-aids.

Reply

Skycop_S | 23

#6572182 - Friday 1 April 2016 17:03

But it's a scar?

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6572227 - Friday 1 April 2016 18:07

so you expect OP to cover the scar with band-aids all their life?

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

By mimiminx | 23

#6572104 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:39

I'm sure you're not a dickhead really OP, even if you appear to be one

By The_Avatar | 22

#6572106 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:41

I know that must suck op but i had a scar on my forehead that looked like harry potter...right when the movies were out. It faded almost completely now.

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6572125 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Haha "Harry!! Did you place your dick in goblet of fire?! You've been very naughty Harry"

Sorry op, it was a gay porno.

Reply

OnlySkyrimStays | 11

#6572445 - Saturday 2 April 2016 1:37

Simply replace "wand" with "dick" in Harry Potter for the script.

Reply

bobsanction | 16

#6572477 - Saturday 2 April 2016 3:12

Hairy Cocker and the Pissing like fire

Reply

SoulEaterSE | 23

#6572882 - Saturday 2 April 2016 21:06

They already shot one

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6572110 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:44

And it's on your face? That's sucks.

Reply

A_Don_101 | 14

#6572126 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Or swallows, depends how hardcore your are

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6572115 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:50

Massaging the area with coconut oil every day can reduce scar pigmentation! Also, concealer is a thing if you're looking for a quick fix.

By PingusTheDingus | 31

#6572118 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:53

Well, Dicks.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6572121 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:56

Just get a knife and make the scar look like something else.