Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed.... - FML

By dickface - 1/4/2016 01:52 - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

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Reliable

Thanks, I'm cured!

Toxic parents

By dejected - 28/2/2010 01:32 - United States

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

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By WTF - 26/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

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By wtf mom?! - 6/4/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2013 04:37 - Canada - Kinburn

Today, I was doing a demonstration in front of my taekwondo class because I'm flexible. Really flexible. I kneed myself in the face and broke my nose. FML

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By nickyboy - 2/12/2010 17:02 - Australia

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

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By not that kinda squirting - 30/4/2019 14:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 15:57 - Canada

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 21:48 - United States

Today, my co-worker and I played a game where we give each other the bird in whatever creative manner we could come up with. Deciding to be sneaky, I hid behind a wall with my middle finger up as I heard him walking into the office. It was my boss. FML

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By ticketed - 2/7/2017 00:00

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By Spac3Ghost - 28/12/2010 17:08 - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 15:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a new Ipod to replace my old one which decided to stop working. After purchasing my new nano Ipod, I decided to bang my old Ipod on the desk very hard because it was useless. It started working again. FML

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By Tired Girlfriend - 14/6/2017 22:00

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 16:05 - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - 21/5/2011 21:16 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By ipayyourbillsgorramit - 24/8/2012 23:29 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, after getting home from a twelve-hour shift at work, I got into bed and passed out. My mother soon woke me up, screaming that she could tell I was "fake sleeping" and ignoring her lecture on how I need to stop being so "lazy". FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

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By GiraffeLover - 11/1/2013 11:36 - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 20:03

Today, I went straight from a kickboxing class to a first date. I coughed and a tooth that must have been knocked loose during free sparring fell into my hand, and I got blood on my shirt and the table. My date had a blood phobia and passed out, breaking her own front tooth on the table edge FML

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By hugedissapointment - 9/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

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By coldwetnose - 9/5/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML

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By stick - 20/10/2009 16:05 - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

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By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By Pop - 15/1/2014 02:38 - United States - New York

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Charles City

A Natural Snack!

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - 12/12/2013 18:00 - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:42 - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 02:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

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By Bob - 13/12/2017 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

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By regret - 30/12/2020 01:00 - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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By AmberHavoc - 2/1/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

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By person_r - 21/7/2009 12:03 - Norway

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

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By chefdujour - 15/3/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By sam - 26/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By Fran - 9/1/2010 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By Username - 1/6/2011 08:09 - Singapore

Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML

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By 751920 - 3/2/2009 08:49 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

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By segal1010 - 28/2/2013 00:27 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

COMMENTS

By JaffaMC | 13

#6572100 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

You'd have to be pretty ballsy to go out in public like that. That really sucks, OP, maybe a doctor can help you

By Csoi | 28

#6572101 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

time to invest in large band-aids.

Reply

Skycop_S | 23

#6572182 - Friday 1 April 2016 17:03

But it's a scar?

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6572227 - Friday 1 April 2016 18:07

so you expect OP to cover the scar with band-aids all their life?

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

By mimiminx | 23

#6572104 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:39

I'm sure you're not a dickhead really OP, even if you appear to be one

By The_Avatar | 22

#6572106 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:41

I know that must suck op but i had a scar on my forehead that looked like harry potter...right when the movies were out. It faded almost completely now.

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6572125 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Haha "Harry!! Did you place your dick in goblet of fire?! You've been very naughty Harry"

Sorry op, it was a gay porno.

Reply

OnlySkyrimStays | 11

#6572445 - Saturday 2 April 2016 1:37

Simply replace "wand" with "dick" in Harry Potter for the script.

Reply

bobsanction | 16

#6572477 - Saturday 2 April 2016 3:12

Hairy Cocker and the Pissing like fire

Reply

SoulEaterSE | 23

#6572882 - Saturday 2 April 2016 21:06

They already shot one

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6572110 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:44

And it's on your face? That's sucks.

Reply

A_Don_101 | 14

#6572126 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Or swallows, depends how hardcore your are

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6572115 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:50

Massaging the area with coconut oil every day can reduce scar pigmentation! Also, concealer is a thing if you're looking for a quick fix.

By PingusTheDingus | 31

#6572118 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:53

Well, Dicks.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6572121 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:56

Just get a knife and make the scar look like something else.