Miscellaneous: Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed.... - FML

By dickface - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

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BO Central

Drained

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By Sady_Ct

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

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By Toomuchisoutofcontrol

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

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By Milly - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huron

Misogynistic and insensitive. Great.

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom passed away when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered, "Women drivers." FML

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By Forgotten

Today, my girlfriend has memory issues because of a car accident. She broke up with me because I was acting like if things were more serious that she wanted them to be. She forgot she proposed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 14:01

Great time to try for a kid

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years complained about having to jack off for IVF. We haven't had sex in 9 months, I have to take hormone injections, and I'm jealous of his own hand. FML

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By frankfukhergood - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

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By during - United States

Narcissism

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

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By

Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 05:02

Getting no pussy love

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

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By feckingnasty

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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By Sapphirlinda - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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By grossedoutgirlfriend

Not so normal, no

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

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By stillavirgin - Canada

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

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By MJjunior - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By Muwz - France - Paris

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

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By InDeepBlue

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

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By AmberHavoc - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

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By Dezzmond68 - Canada - Aylmer

Today, I got in trouble at work because the person whom I trained, and had done everything correctly with no mistakes and said he was comfortable being on his own when I asked, was screwing it all up over the course of 6 weeks. When I asked him, he said, "I think my way's better than yours." FML

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By Calimero

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

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By taintedlover - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

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By judge not, ye cunt - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

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By aproudmom - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By strongjon60 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By Authentik8 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By Jill Shanks - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

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By rippedoff - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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By SkipLegDay - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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By veggiepower11028

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

COMMENTS

By JaffaMC | 13

#6572100 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

You'd have to be pretty ballsy to go out in public like that. That really sucks, OP, maybe a doctor can help you

By Csoi | 28

#6572101 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:37

time to invest in large band-aids.

Reply

Skycop_S | 23

#6572182 - Friday 1 April 2016 17:03

But it's a scar?

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6572227 - Friday 1 April 2016 18:07

so you expect OP to cover the scar with band-aids all their life?

By jbivens1992 | 17

#6572103 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:38

Scarface...Dickface...the nick name possibilities are strong. That must have hit you just the right (wrong?) way. Mederma works really well for most scars, maybe you could make it less noticeable. Good luck OP, and sorry to hear that.

By mimiminx | 23

#6572104 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:39

I'm sure you're not a dickhead really OP, even if you appear to be one

By The_Avatar | 22

#6572106 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:41

I know that must suck op but i had a scar on my forehead that looked like harry potter...right when the movies were out. It faded almost completely now.

By Tripartita | 44

#6572108 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:43

Well, at least if they ever shoot a Harry Potter porno, you'll be first choice for the lead role!

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6572125 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Haha "Harry!! Did you place your dick in goblet of fire?! You've been very naughty Harry"

Sorry op, it was a gay porno.

Reply

OnlySkyrimStays | 11

#6572445 - Saturday 2 April 2016 1:37

Simply replace "wand" with "dick" in Harry Potter for the script.

Reply

bobsanction | 16

#6572477 - Saturday 2 April 2016 3:12

Hairy Cocker and the Pissing like fire

Reply

SoulEaterSE | 23

#6572882 - Saturday 2 April 2016 21:06

They already shot one

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6572110 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:44

And it's on your face? That's sucks.

Reply

A_Don_101 | 14

#6572126 - Friday 1 April 2016 16:00

Or swallows, depends how hardcore your are

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6572115 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:50

Massaging the area with coconut oil every day can reduce scar pigmentation! Also, concealer is a thing if you're looking for a quick fix.

By PingusTheDingus | 31

#6572118 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:53

Well, Dicks.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6572121 - Friday 1 April 2016 15:56

Just get a knife and make the scar look like something else.