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Sounds like a episode plot for a show

Is the hammer for the cat or the floorboard? It's important. 

Not gonna lie I'd fall back asleep then get killed by the murderer you clearly scared off. 

It serves two purposes... you can kill/injure intruders or kill that squeaky floor board

What do they call 2 am in London?
Hammer time!

Do-do-do-do
Do-do
Do-do
Can't touch dis!

Sorry, OP. My cats have done similar things. I know it's them, my brain doesn't shut up until I check.

 Must be a fucking fat cat.

Well, fuck.

I feel like you're freaking out a very large amount for one tiny creak. So, what's the underlying issue?