Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer... - FML

By DomesticPatrol - 7/1/2017 02:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6559

You deserved it

1731

Tweet

Share

Dad jokes, part 43884

The opposite of a good idea

Headache

By thesparrow - 6/2/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35408

You deserved it

2359

Tweet

Share

By B-rent - 18/3/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35898

You deserved it

7043

Tweet

Share

By Phill1188 - 16/9/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2896

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 02:00

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2053

You deserved it

202

Tweet

Share

By Bob - 14/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74815

You deserved it

4644

Tweet

Share

By Beardedlady - 27/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2517

You deserved it

375

Tweet

Share

By theatreismylife - 27/4/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

61402

You deserved it

12141

Tweet

Share

By stillkindahorny - 13/9/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37607

You deserved it

4683

Tweet

Share

By Watchyourstep - 20/10/2009 17:11 - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37525

You deserved it

4738

Tweet

Share

By shoopbadeewoop - 8/3/2014 21:43

Today, it was snowing. After answering a call, I put my phone into my jacket pocket, and hurried across the road. I quickly realised my phone hadn't slipped into my pocket after all, and I turned around in time to see a snowplow go by. I couldn't find my phone in the snowdrifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42820

You deserved it

6191

Tweet

Share

By hotdogbunz - 23/1/2018 19:00

Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5121

You deserved it

363

Tweet

Share

By moikristine - 21/5/2013 10:24 - Norway - Fagerstrand

Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44550

You deserved it

3190

Tweet

Share

By 86145 - 16/8/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33500

You deserved it

5563

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24559

You deserved it

9042

Tweet

Share

By nV1ous - 17/9/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14072

You deserved it

56730

Tweet

Share

By Al - 22/6/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

65758

You deserved it

3290

Tweet

Share

By libraries are a girl's best friend - 19/7/2013 21:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40838

You deserved it

35559

Tweet

Share

By Felinefine - 15/8/2016 19:33 - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13805

You deserved it

2441

Tweet

Share

By not_relaxed - 25/10/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I returned from vacation. Because of rain, I spent 3 days sitting in a hotel room, watching a TV with bad reception. I'm now less relaxed that if I'd have just stayed home, because that wouldn't have cost me $500, and my TV has more than 15 channels. So much for my first vacation in 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28091

You deserved it

5285

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 05:25 - United States - Astoria

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33012

You deserved it

3472

Tweet

Share

By mallyboo - 1/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9477

You deserved it

3465

Tweet

Share

By Man vs. Spider - 28/2/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28581

You deserved it

8358

Tweet

Share

By PityKitty - 24/12/2013 16:53

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45051

You deserved it

12205

Tweet

Share

By avoid the sour cream - 30/12/2013 06:14 - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38571

You deserved it

2816

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1703

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30418

You deserved it

7139

Tweet

Share

By limegreengiraffe - 1/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44330

You deserved it

7250

Tweet

Share

By WHY - 1/4/2016 00:58 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8934

You deserved it

32713

Tweet

Share

By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30311

You deserved it

2761

Tweet

Share

By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23810

You deserved it

2235

Tweet

Share

By blow me - 7/8/2015 16:36 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23724

You deserved it

3316

Tweet

Share

By jobless - 30/6/2019 22:01

Today, I had my first interview after weeks of applying everywhere, but I got turned away for being "inappropriately dressed" for the interview. I was wearing the smartest clothes I own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1517

You deserved it

444

Tweet

Share

By Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood - 9/12/2013 05:52 - United States - West Bend

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51612

You deserved it

7868

Tweet

Share

By Sorry? - 2/12/2016 03:54 - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

I agree, your life sucks

11964

You deserved it

729

Tweet

Share

By Nicholasand - 23/11/2009 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8122

You deserved it

60596

Tweet

Share

By Anon - 28/12/2012 08:14 - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15270

You deserved it

35430

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/5/2015 19:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29451

You deserved it

2806

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 14:18 - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33157

You deserved it

4466

Tweet

Share

By Random Person - 21/11/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27305

You deserved it

3466

Tweet

Share

By Notaplacetogo - 17/2/2013 06:45 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44485

You deserved it

10041

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Heteroscodra | 8

#7384962 - Saturday 7 January 2017 11:33

Is the hammer for the cat or the floorboard? It's important.

By poprocker11221 | 10

#7384911 - Saturday 7 January 2017 9:24

That's pathetic. Lol

Comments

By poprocker11221 | 10

#7384911 - Saturday 7 January 2017 9:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By daniel271 | 13

#7384912 - Saturday 7 January 2017 9:26

Sounds like a episode plot for a show

By Heteroscodra | 8

#7384962 - Saturday 7 January 2017 11:33

Is the hammer for the cat or the floorboard? It's important.

By sasquatchius | 3

#7384987 - Saturday 7 January 2017 12:26

Not gonna lie I'd fall back asleep then get killed by the murderer you clearly scared off.

By caliguy08 | 17

#7385023 - Saturday 7 January 2017 15:13

It serves two purposes... you can kill/injure intruders or kill that squeaky floor board

By RichardPencil | 28

#7385047 - Saturday 7 January 2017 15:55

What do they call 2 am in London?
Hammer time!

Do-do-do-do
Do-do
Do-do
Can't touch dis!

By Emmereen | 29

#7385073 - Saturday 7 January 2017 18:24

Sorry, OP. My cats have done similar things. I know it's them, my brain doesn't shut up until I check.

By species4872 | 19

#7385077 - Saturday 7 January 2017 18:31

Must be a fucking fat cat.

By xxmollyxx | 25

#7385084 - Saturday 7 January 2017 19:15

Well, fuck.

By cacheson | 40

#7385088 - Saturday 7 January 2017 19:28

I feel like you're freaking out a very large amount for one tiny creak. So, what's the underlying issue?