Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer... - FML

By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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Creepy

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

KoBabe

By Anonymous - 21/8/2017 00:30 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 07:33 - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2014 08:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my annoying colleague gasped, wrapped her arms around herself, started sweating and curled up in a ball crying, "No, no, no" in front of several customers. They accused me of 'setting her off', when I blurted out, "Sorry, she gets panic attacks". All I did was say the word 'abortion'. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

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By Thank God I Flush Them Down The Toilet - 26/9/2015 01:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By hahagirl - 12/9/2012 05:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin suddenly confided in me that he had tried to commit suicide by overdosing when he was 17. Shocked and not knowing how to respond, I blurted out, "Did it work?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By klutz - 10/8/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned companies can legally lie to fire an employee, and unless anything they say is on record, they are legally correct, no matter how unethical the company is. FML

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By jordyn173 - 8/4/2012 03:19 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

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By A continent away - 2/9/2014 19:48 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

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By Whoops - 20/10/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

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By waterlogged - 22/9/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By dmsmcd - 17/12/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

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By RetailScapegoat - 16/9/2017 20:00

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

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By ertyo - 24/12/2016 15:28 - Romania - Oradea

Today, it's Christmas Eve. I was the happiest ever realizing that all the bills are paid, all the presents are bought, all the food is ready, and I still have some money left. This my biggest accomplishment so far as a young adult. Until I realized I don't have a tree. Adulting is hard. FML

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By bigbill - 3/8/2011 04:45 - Canada

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

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By smiles - 3/12/2014 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By Bubbah - 15/3/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

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By Brian - 4/5/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

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By gtfb1993 - 2/12/2011 22:21 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By flavored - 18/11/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

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By lopsided - 6/9/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML

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By nothing_nobody - 23/6/2016 01:31

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

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By Disconnected - 16/5/2017 12:00

Today, I found out that it is possible for someone else to cancel my Internet, TV and phone services in two days. However it'll take me 5 days, after 6 hours on the phone, to get it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2012 03:49 - United States - Moreland

Today, my future mother-in-law told me she thought I was severely allergic to cigarette smoke. That hasn't stopped her from chain-smoking around me for the last 3 years. FML

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By fappy dog - 23/1/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By -___- - 14/9/2012 23:06 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2012 16:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 17:07 - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

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By shaggyberaddy - 5/1/2018 05:00

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By Emily - 3/8/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By pikachu_43 - 21/3/2015 15:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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By Arachnaphobic - 22/11/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

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By DemiRawrs - 1/5/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By Purple - 6/11/2014 01:12 - United States - Fremont

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3467171 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

i thought canadians were supposed to be nice.

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#3467503 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:48

Seems like you're mentally unstable..

COMMENTS

By CoolStoryScrote | 6

#3467108 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:33

That sucks, sorry OP

Reply

TokinUp | 6

#3467453 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:29

Happens to me all the time. Not such a bad thing

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#3467457 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:31

Shame. I'm high every time I work. The custos love me though. Must be the eye drops.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3467841 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:27

Eye don't see the problem with being nice.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3468398 - Saturday 22 October 2011 0:18

#40 Eye See what you did there!

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3468696 - Saturday 22 October 2011 1:27

That happens to me too, but interestingly only when I'm sober. Sometimes you can't tell the difference between one who's stoned off his ass and one who just hasn't slept in a couple of days.

By amazinglyHappy | 6

#3467110 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:33

With Any City You're either High Or Mentally Unstable of you're polite...

Reply

YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#3467503 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:48

Seems like you're mentally unstable..

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3467870 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:34

Y Are your Typing like This?

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3469873 - Saturday 22 October 2011 4:27

You forgot to criticize me about my use of "your."

By LucianDeSouza | 4

#3467138 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:38

Considering the image of you on that day , it really does look like you were on drugs .

By ninjaicekitten | 0

#3467143 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:38

damn

Reply

13FTW | 9

#3467380 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:15

What a well thought out comment! You deserve a pony and a few cookies.

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#3471105 - Saturday 22 October 2011 11:20

I'll have his pony if he doesn't want it. And his cookie. I'll take everything. Creativity means nothing to an awesome prize like that.

By RebekahBrooke | 9

#3467158 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:40

That's ridiculous. Sorry you have to deal with that.

By omfg_creepers | 8

#3467170 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

Do they have blue lights in store bathrooms? Or is that just my city

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#4665588 - Sunday 8 July 2012 21:37

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

By flockz | 19

#3467171 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

i thought canadians were supposed to be nice.

Reply

IfTheKeyFits | 3

#3467212 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:47

Only the ones that give us free bacon are.

Reply

xSynergY | 8

#3467231 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:50

^ scrubs

Reply

deviable | 9

#3467749 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:03

We are, but when the poutine runs out we tend to get pretty nasty.

Reply

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3467798 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:18

ahh everyone loves us canadians :)

Reply

jennjennsofly | 7

#3470749 - Saturday 22 October 2011 7:33

for me I get pretty mean when the line is too long at tim horton's.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3467179 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:42

It's probably just the eyes.

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#3481289 - Monday 24 October 2011 8:10

Yea avoid wearing contacts when you get high. Also bring shades and eyedrops

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3467187 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:43

In the customers defence, it does seem like your high

Reply

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3467548 - Friday 21 October 2011 20:00

You're*. And customer's*. Sorry, had to be done.

Reply

SwtCherryPie | 26

#3467563 - Friday 21 October 2011 20:06

you forgot defense... not trying to get rid of any fences that i noticed

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#3467824 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:24

Why customer's? I'm pretty sure that customers is right.

Reply

faithxoxox | 1

#3468508 - Saturday 22 October 2011 1:04

39- Customers is plural. Customer's is possessive. Customers' would be the plural possessive. The sentence would work with either the second or the last one.

Reply

sadistmonkey | 19

#3472313 - Saturday 22 October 2011 19:39

Defense can alternatively be spelled defence.

By xSynergY | 8

#3467196 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:45

Yeah... The 'thanking' part would of thrown me off as well lol