Work: Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer... - FML

By Customer Stonage Representative - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Sensitive

Extreme late fees

By Manu - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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By Lousydriver - Canada

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I'd not noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

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By thats_not_good - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

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By firecrotch - United States

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

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By giantsfan2010 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By grow_fasterrr - - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

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By Red Face, too

Today, I saw Niagra Falls. Not the one in Canada, but the one that was released when I went to check on my period at work. I had no change of clothes. FML

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By f my lifw - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 05:01

Friends theme music plays

Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML

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By Annie - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was lying on a couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought some new led under glow lights for underneath my car. I was putting them on when my dad came out, insisted on taking over, and then proceeded to break them. FML

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By "vinyl_mermaid"

Exterminators are expensive

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, my dad decided that he shouldn't have to wear clothes in the privacy of his own home. FML

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By anonymous

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

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By NoFriends - Australia

Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML

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By PsychoSarah - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML

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By starboi - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By strwbrry - United States

Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

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By ken

Today, I took my girlfriend to a festival. The very first thing we saw when we got there was a guy being wheeled away by paramedics. She freaked out and demanded we leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

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By smh - United States - Beulah

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML

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By heightdifference - United States - Memphis

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

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By anon - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been on the verge of throwing up all day. Why? My dog is intolerant to grain, but grain-free dog food causes heart problems so she can't have that. Now our lives are filled with nasty farts and Hershey squirts with no end in sight. It's a rough time for us both. FML

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By

Hard to believe

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By mrmr - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and the glass sliding door was jammed. I tugged it, and it shattered all over me. I was naked. FML

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By notmysistersbf - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

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By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Kelly - United States - Manteca

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

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By nearsighted-ut

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By blinded - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By shadowsonicstar - United States

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

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By ShootMe

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3467171 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

i thought canadians were supposed to be nice.

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#3467503 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:48

Seems like you're mentally unstable..

COMMENTS

By CoolStoryScrote | 6

#3467108 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:33

That sucks, sorry OP

Reply

TokinUp | 6

#3467453 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:29

Happens to me all the time. Not such a bad thing

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#3467457 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:31

Shame. I'm high every time I work. The custos love me though. Must be the eye drops.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3467841 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:27

Eye don't see the problem with being nice.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3468398 - Saturday 22 October 2011 0:18

#40 Eye See what you did there!

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3468696 - Saturday 22 October 2011 1:27

That happens to me too, but interestingly only when I'm sober. Sometimes you can't tell the difference between one who's stoned off his ass and one who just hasn't slept in a couple of days.

By amazinglyHappy | 6

#3467110 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:33

With Any City You're either High Or Mentally Unstable of you're polite...

Reply

YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#3467503 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:48

Seems like you're mentally unstable..

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3467870 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:34

Y Are your Typing like This?

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3469873 - Saturday 22 October 2011 4:27

You forgot to criticize me about my use of "your."

By LucianDeSouza | 4

#3467138 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:38

Considering the image of you on that day , it really does look like you were on drugs .

By ninjaicekitten | 0

#3467143 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:38

damn

Reply

13FTW | 9

#3467380 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:15

What a well thought out comment! You deserve a pony and a few cookies.

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#3471105 - Saturday 22 October 2011 11:20

I'll have his pony if he doesn't want it. And his cookie. I'll take everything. Creativity means nothing to an awesome prize like that.

By RebekahBrooke | 9

#3467158 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:40

That's ridiculous. Sorry you have to deal with that.

By omfg_creepers | 8

#3467170 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

Do they have blue lights in store bathrooms? Or is that just my city

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#4665588 - Sunday 8 July 2012 21:37

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

By flockz | 19

#3467171 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

i thought canadians were supposed to be nice.

Reply

IfTheKeyFits | 3

#3467212 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:47

Only the ones that give us free bacon are.

Reply

xSynergY | 8

#3467231 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:50

^ scrubs

Reply

deviable | 9

#3467749 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:03

We are, but when the poutine runs out we tend to get pretty nasty.

Reply

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3467798 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:18

ahh everyone loves us canadians :)

Reply

jennjennsofly | 7

#3470749 - Saturday 22 October 2011 7:33

for me I get pretty mean when the line is too long at tim horton's.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3467179 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:42

It's probably just the eyes.

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#3481289 - Monday 24 October 2011 8:10

Yea avoid wearing contacts when you get high. Also bring shades and eyedrops

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3467187 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:43

In the customers defence, it does seem like your high

Reply

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3467548 - Friday 21 October 2011 20:00

You're*. And customer's*. Sorry, had to be done.

Reply

SwtCherryPie | 26

#3467563 - Friday 21 October 2011 20:06

you forgot defense... not trying to get rid of any fences that i noticed

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#3467824 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:24

Why customer's? I'm pretty sure that customers is right.

Reply

faithxoxox | 1

#3468508 - Saturday 22 October 2011 1:04

39- Customers is plural. Customer's is possessive. Customers' would be the plural possessive. The sentence would work with either the second or the last one.

Reply

sadistmonkey | 19

#3472313 - Saturday 22 October 2011 19:39

Defense can alternatively be spelled defence.

By xSynergY | 8

#3467196 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:45

Yeah... The 'thanking' part would of thrown me off as well lol