Work: Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer... - FML

By Customer Stonage Representative - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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Rock, hard place

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By ferrin10 - United States

Today, I was mowing lawns for my summer job. I noticed next to me a shiny new corvette being washed by the owner. I gave a friendly wave, just as I heard a big clank as the mower blade shot a rock into the side of the car. FML

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he thought he heard another guy in the room when he called me, and that I'm cheating on him. The guy he heard was a character from a cartoon my sister was watching. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buena Park

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

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By Athsmatic and Angry - 29/11/2020 22:30 - Canada - Saskatoon

Read the room, lady

Today, I got bitched at by an old lady in Walmart for not wearing a mask. I had lowered my mask to use my inhaler, because I was having an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By stubby

Today, my girlfriend asked if I could somehow get uncircumcised so I could add an inch to my length. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 08:02

Hold the line

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Munich

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By robbedonCTA - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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By Gerry - 3/1/2021 17:03

Fate, up against your will

Today, according to my wife of 30 years, I'm finally old enough that I look, smell, sound and act like my father. FML

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By ninjawhat1337 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friends house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML

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By mtorres8789 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

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By ugh.. - United States

Today, while working at my life guard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and harshly yelled "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML

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By apparentlyunsexy - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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By AvengedSevenX - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I have a horrible hangover. My mom also decided it was a good day to go hiking. I ended up puking on the trail. FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

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By epictothemax - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By deweyd8855 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

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By crappy_day - United States

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By Son - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

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By I'm a joke?

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

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By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Megan - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry and I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

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By Peekaboo - United States

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By gmanbuilder - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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By FireoftheFuture - United States

Today, I had a giant Scantron test. After putting 10 answers, I noticed every single answer was A. I got freaked out and started putting random answers. Turns out every answer on the test was A. I failed. FML

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By Nathanael Johnson - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3467171 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

i thought canadians were supposed to be nice.

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#3467503 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:48

Seems like you're mentally unstable..

COMMENTS

By CoolStoryScrote | 6

#3467108 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:33

That sucks, sorry OP

Reply

TokinUp | 6

#3467453 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:29

Happens to me all the time. Not such a bad thing

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#3467457 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:31

Shame. I'm high every time I work. The custos love me though. Must be the eye drops.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3467841 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:27

Eye don't see the problem with being nice.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3468398 - Saturday 22 October 2011 0:18

#40 Eye See what you did there!

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3468696 - Saturday 22 October 2011 1:27

That happens to me too, but interestingly only when I'm sober. Sometimes you can't tell the difference between one who's stoned off his ass and one who just hasn't slept in a couple of days.

By amazinglyHappy | 6

#3467110 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:33

With Any City You're either High Or Mentally Unstable of you're polite...

Reply

YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#3467503 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:48

Seems like you're mentally unstable..

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3467870 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:34

Y Are your Typing like This?

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3469873 - Saturday 22 October 2011 4:27

You forgot to criticize me about my use of "your."

By LucianDeSouza | 4

#3467138 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:38

Considering the image of you on that day , it really does look like you were on drugs .

By ninjaicekitten | 0

#3467143 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:38

damn

Reply

13FTW | 9

#3467380 - Friday 21 October 2011 19:15

What a well thought out comment! You deserve a pony and a few cookies.

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#3471105 - Saturday 22 October 2011 11:20

I'll have his pony if he doesn't want it. And his cookie. I'll take everything. Creativity means nothing to an awesome prize like that.

By RebekahBrooke | 9

#3467158 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:40

That's ridiculous. Sorry you have to deal with that.

By omfg_creepers | 8

#3467170 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

Do they have blue lights in store bathrooms? Or is that just my city

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#4665588 - Sunday 8 July 2012 21:37

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

By flockz | 19

#3467171 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:41

i thought canadians were supposed to be nice.

Reply

IfTheKeyFits | 3

#3467212 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:47

Only the ones that give us free bacon are.

Reply

xSynergY | 8

#3467231 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:50

^ scrubs

Reply

deviable | 9

#3467749 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:03

We are, but when the poutine runs out we tend to get pretty nasty.

Reply

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3467798 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:18

ahh everyone loves us canadians :)

Reply

jennjennsofly | 7

#3470749 - Saturday 22 October 2011 7:33

for me I get pretty mean when the line is too long at tim horton's.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3467179 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:42

It's probably just the eyes.

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#3481289 - Monday 24 October 2011 8:10

Yea avoid wearing contacts when you get high. Also bring shades and eyedrops

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3467187 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:43

In the customers defence, it does seem like your high

Reply

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3467548 - Friday 21 October 2011 20:00

You're*. And customer's*. Sorry, had to be done.

Reply

SwtCherryPie | 26

#3467563 - Friday 21 October 2011 20:06

you forgot defense... not trying to get rid of any fences that i noticed

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#3467824 - Friday 21 October 2011 21:24

Why customer's? I'm pretty sure that customers is right.

Reply

faithxoxox | 1

#3468508 - Saturday 22 October 2011 1:04

39- Customers is plural. Customer's is possessive. Customers' would be the plural possessive. The sentence would work with either the second or the last one.

Reply

sadistmonkey | 19

#3472313 - Saturday 22 October 2011 19:39

Defense can alternatively be spelled defence.

By xSynergY | 8

#3467196 - Friday 21 October 2011 18:45

Yeah... The 'thanking' part would of thrown me off as well lol