Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
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Top comments
BillyMadisonFTW 5
Did it scare the shit out of him?
Drigr 9
I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... ****...?
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Comments (209)
cherryllollo 7
why was he naked
smoshianforever 0
He was on the toilet!
hateevryone 15
And that's the husband you chose?
mrsquiggles6900 5
If you choose a husband because of his phobias or lack of them, good luck with that..
smoshianforever 0
If there's one cockroach, there's one-hundred more...
daps29 11
I hate cockroach's and will probably do the same if it caught me off guard like that too
dont_let_love_go 0
That's not bad at all..I think it's cute but I would be a little bit freaked out.
MuseFan1991 14
i worry for humanity at the number of comments bitching about OPs husband having a phobia. being a man doesnt mean he cant find creepy-crawlies gross
kimosabi55068 6
See until you said that he still had to wipe his ass I was thinking "well ya, it's a cockroach, I get it. I'd probably shower too.". But then you said he had to finish wiping and now I'm just disgusted with him.
DQEight 8
I thought he was fapping until I read the ending
jiinkx 0
Would you marry me? ????????????????
dragonmonkey 9
What's your husband's name again? Ellen?