Work: Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons:... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 028

07/11/2015 14:14

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 316

You deserved it 1 509

There's no helping some people

Get the hell out of Dodge

First Dates

Nice place

By Anonymous - 07/03/2021 15:01

Today, I experienced the perfect romantic moment as I was sitting on a hill on the beach overlooking the sunset, cuddling my girlfriend. It was abruptly ruined. How? A rat ran past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 168

23/10/2016 17:15

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 111

You deserved it 671

31/08/2010 16:32

Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 894

You deserved it 9 872

31/08/2014 19:27

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 832

You deserved it 5 536

03/08/2016 18:50

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 631

You deserved it 1 392

20/06/2015 19:03

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 620

You deserved it 4 161

03/08/2009 12:43

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 931

You deserved it 2 478

09/09/2011 23:22

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 802

You deserved it 54 684

10/09/2015 12:32

Today, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up in sleep paralysis, hallucinating the sight of children hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm scared to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 862

You deserved it 1 851

User review

By Anna - 06/07/2011 06:15

Spicy

Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 048

You deserved it 11 654

10/12/2009 09:29

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 310

You deserved it 36 716

10/03/2015 18:47

Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 083

You deserved it 3 214

13/08/2015 04:13

Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 757

You deserved it 2 345

18/07/2015 04:08

Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 495

You deserved it 2 778

Thug life

By secretagentsam00 - 31/03/2020 23:00

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 511

26/03/2011 20:54

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 145

You deserved it 3 205

Singalong

By shtzbutnogiggles - 17/05/2016 14:10

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 069

You deserved it 1 006

06/08/2013 20:35

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 676

You deserved it 5 097

How could you?

By Lolzords - 14/09/2010 10:44

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 736

You deserved it 2 731

17/08/2011 00:31

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 417

You deserved it 2 844

02/03/2009 08:10

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 974

You deserved it 4 972

30/01/2013 03:18

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 648

You deserved it 2 809

18/12/2012 17:33

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He seemed excited, and said we should make the baby fat so he can bounce her on his lap and watch her double chin jiggle. Just to prove he's serious, he's been searching for high-calorie foods for babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 697

You deserved it 6 327

Hangry people

By missy - 01/06/2021 08:01

Today, my parents yelled at me for ordering too much fast food. The only reason I’m doing it is because there isn’t any food in the house. Not only that but I’m also trying to gain weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 162

No good deed…

By oops - 04/12/2009 17:23

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 738

You deserved it 36 281

Pirate Jim

By maryann - 09/05/2021 02:01

Today, I brought home my new boyfriend, who happens to have an eyepatch. Despite repeatedly telling them not to, even threatening punishment, my daughters, ages 9 and 11, would not stop calling him "Cyclops." He’s mad at me for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 308

05/09/2013 07:45

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 361

You deserved it 3 294

29/04/2013 18:07

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 739

You deserved it 3 999

02/07/2017 22:00

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 051

You deserved it 1 065

Social anxiety sucks

By m…… - 09/04/2021 21:30

Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 110

31/05/2015 20:36

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 701

You deserved it 6 055

23/08/2010 09:03

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 390

You deserved it 3 256

01/07/2011 07:41

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 128

You deserved it 3 958

Go mom!

By disgusted - 04/10/2012 23:24

Spicy

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said, "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 604

You deserved it 3 258

Cute nickname

By Anonymous - 23/06/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 223

You deserved it 492

14/12/2010 02:01

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 307

You deserved it 52 904

01/10/2009 21:57

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 714

You deserved it 22 658

22/12/2012 08:06

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 656

You deserved it 3 193

31/08/2018 01:30

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 1 546

20/03/2009 23:34

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 373

You deserved it 4 682

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Top comments

singlwforlife 22

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:46

You would think that something like that would be self explanatory... People no longer speak up when things go wrong or not as expected. They just shove things aside and hope the next person to encounter the problem doesn't notice it... Like vomit in a book. No one will notice that.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 13:29

Isn't the general rule that if a book is damaged in any way you replace it?

Comments

Sizly 12

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:44

You should make them compensate for the book, OP. Although, try not to be too harsh. I know if I threw up on a book, I definitely wouldn't have the guts to face the librarians wrath. FYL

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Monday 9 November 2015 0:03

Too harsh? I think asking people to not bring in books with throw up on them seems pretty reasonable.

feliciaheartu 21

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:45

Those patron need some sense knocked into them. Would they want a gift filled with vomit?

singlwforlife 22

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:46

You would think that something like that would be self explanatory... People no longer speak up when things go wrong or not as expected. They just shove things aside and hope the next person to encounter the problem doesn't notice it... Like vomit in a book. No one will notice that.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 20:57

I once got a book from the library that had dicks drawn on almost every page.

anonymuse_fml 31

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:46

That is just sick...

Fmelikeuhateme 24

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Sunday 8 November 2015 19:02

Intended pun, or just an innocent comment? :p

anonymuse_fml 31

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Sunday 8 November 2015 20:13

Automatic reaction that coincidentally was also a pun... LOL

arano 29

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:47

It must have been The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs

arano 29

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Sunday 8 November 2015 21:07

Obviously none of you watch South Park

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:50

On the bright side they still return books, shame they're vomited on haha

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:50

some people are just disgusting and don't see what is clearly wrong with what they're doing. yuck. sorry OP hope you didn't get sick after that

ForwardUn2Dawn 18

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Sunday 8 November 2015 11:55

There should be some sort of liability policy signed when a library card is received. Libraries don't always have the biggest budget for books.

militarybrat 21

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Monday 9 November 2015 5:14

There is. At least at the library I worked at and the one i am currently patroning.

L_1781 18

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Sunday 8 November 2015 12:00

Take the book back and then once they ask for another, take it and put some spaghetti in the back page. Then proceed to open the book to the final page, and smash it into their face; which then simultaneously spoils the ending and and gives them an pre dinner snack

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Sunday 8 November 2015 13:32

What is wrong with you...

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 8 November 2015 15:49

Yes, let's ruin even more books for some stupid, juvenile prank. I guess if you really want to be fired from your job that badly, that's one way to do it.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 12:20

I've never thought of reading to my dog...

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Sunday 8 November 2015 13:30

But if you leave a book lying around it's possible for a dog to damage and/or throw up on it.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 14:31

Actually reading to dogs is a great way to get children to read. Seriously, there have been studies on it and it's been introduced in some schools.