Miscellaneous: Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we... - FML

By AquaRevolver - 25/05/2009 10:35 - New Zealand

Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 643

You deserved it 54 275

Late term

Dysfunctional

Another great day to be alive

By thyisnothorses - 29/04/2012 03:55 - United States - Scituate

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 144

You deserved it 3 067

By Useless training - 11/07/2014 06:04 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 636

You deserved it 4 734

By alittlepersonal - 05/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 056

You deserved it 3 073

By partygirlxxx - 24/05/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my brother gave me some of those fake 'Harry Potter' edible cockroaches. I ate one. It wasn't fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 644

You deserved it 9 696

Don't be an asshole

By Anonymous - 11/03/2021 00:30

Today, the only person I know that ever traveled with me told me he doesn't enjoy the experience and thinks I'm an asshole, so I don't have a travel buddy any more. Every affordable trip requires two people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 1 013

By dontworrybehappy - 28/08/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 896

You deserved it 6 120

By deadmedia - 30/08/2009 00:39 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 893

You deserved it 3 848

By Anonymous - 22/02/2013 17:14 - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 400

You deserved it 4 234

By Dhagiik - 24/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Oak Park

Spicy

Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, and in the stall next to me I could hear someone pleasuring himself. I decided to let my boss know what was going on, but it turns out that it was my boss in the stall next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 027

You deserved it 1 087

By tb351 - 28/05/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 394

You deserved it 8 436

Accidental homophobia

By Anonymous - 28/05/2016 03:47 - United States

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 914

You deserved it 3 236

Trust

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 06:01

Today, my dad trusted me to go driving by myself in his car. I foolishly celebrated by doing a jump heel click, landed awkwardly, threw my hand out to stop myself falling, and scraped the whole bunch of keys down the driver's door. He trusted me for like 3 seconds and I blew it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 264

You deserved it 1 290

By MrFerret - 06/05/2011 03:41

Today, it's my birthday, and my present is that my mom is coming over to see me so that she can borrow three hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 643

You deserved it 3 387

By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 098

You deserved it 48 171

Wankers of the world unite!

By ari - 19/03/2012 05:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 820

You deserved it 53 096

By allykat - 03/12/2014 00:56 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 257

You deserved it 5 679

By Anonymous - 04/03/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 707

You deserved it 63 486

By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 348

You deserved it 4 027

By DJ Clitter - 16/04/2012 19:35 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 078

You deserved it 33 364

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 411

You deserved it 4 994

By rubberduck_of_doom - 09/03/2018 19:00

Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 631

You deserved it 998

By norestforthewicked - 14/02/2017 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 449

You deserved it 585

By bruised - 13/03/2013 21:06 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 985

You deserved it 6 303

By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 183

You deserved it 6 355

By whereismyring - 28/03/2016 00:47 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 539

You deserved it 1 698

By Nate - 06/03/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 492

You deserved it 52 529

Love Hurts

By Anonymous - 30/08/2017 03:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 744

You deserved it 233

By Anonymous - 25/04/2013 20:36 - United States - Montgomery Village

Today, my sister was crying to me about how her boyfriend never showed up for their date. He's done this many times before, so I suggested the fact that maybe he'd just ditched her. She said that was ridiculous, because "he's Canadian" and according to her, "they don't lie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 281

You deserved it 5 384

It's not the size that counts

By Leo Scofield - 29/08/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 904

You deserved it 131

By appaluver - 03/09/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house and accidentally blew out a candle that was supposed to be lit for seven days straight. It was in honor of her grandmother who had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 14 725

By Chris - 20/11/2012 05:03 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to pick up her things. I decided to take a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 470

You deserved it 3 471

Parental guilt

By low_expectations - 18/10/2020 02:08 - United States - New York

Today, my mother tried guilt-tripping me about coming home for the holidays by explaining that, “according to average life expectancy,” she and my father could be dead in the next 10-25 years. I’m already coming home for the holidays. She knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 72

By melissa - 10/02/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 440

You deserved it 3 761

By Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 793

You deserved it 2 790

By fuck the man-dominated construction business - 19/06/2013 16:18 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 713

You deserved it 17 923

By JessP - 26/02/2009 23:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents house instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 505

You deserved it 78 099

By Anonymous - 03/02/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I went indoor rock climbing with my uncle and his 5 year-old girl. I'm about halfway up the hardest ascent when my arm cramps up. As I stretched my arm, my cousin yells up at me in her tiny voice, "Prove you're a man and climb that wall!" I fell off. I was emasculated by a 5 year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 534

You deserved it 5 733

By Anonymous - 02/08/2015 09:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 182

You deserved it 2 847

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 21:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 628

You deserved it 3 164

By divorced - 19/08/2010 10:01 - United States

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 675

You deserved it 4 549

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:02

Friendly fire? Isn't.

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:34

I love how you dont say that you shot her by accident

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:02

Friendly fire? Isn't.

prone 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 16:20

friendly fire....FAIL how can you shoot someone your protecting

JacksonCampbell 9

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 9:24

Well if OP had a speedball gun, it is quite easy to accidentally fire due to a quality speedball gun's extremely light trigger.

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 4:49

I doubt it was a speedball gun, considering it doesn't sound like the do this that much (rentals). Rental guns aren't as fragile because they are used by many people. I do call BS though, a paintball would not break a finger. It probably just bruised it. Anyone who has played paintball would know that

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Friday 27 July 2012 17:27

Op did say they were on the same team. That means they were really close together. At close range like two feet it probably would break a finger

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:02

Pray tell, how did you manage to pull that one off?

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:05

Haha...i've always wanted to go paintballing with my boyfriend, but from this, I'm kind of afraid now.

mich23 10

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:06

Damn see this is why i dont do paint ball

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Sunday 22 November 2009 11:12

See? this is why people wont try paintball is because of stupid ass lies like this. You CANNOT break a bone from a paintball. Unless its like frozen and at point blank. Try it sometime and dont dwell on stupid lies that people like the OP post about paintball.

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Monday 25 January 2010 23:56

no, you "dont do paintball" because your a pussy.

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:12

right on man^^

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Thursday 17 June 2010 22:24

Just thought I should add I didn't see the shooting, but I saw the finger afterwards at the hospital. It was dislocated. I heard it though, they kind of surprised each other.

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Sunday 1 August 2010 10:32

you have to have your FPS cranked up way over field limit to break a finger...

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Sunday 8 May 2011 18:51

maybe they weren't playing in a field maybe it was a pick up game and they decided to raise the FPS range

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Saturday 20 August 2011 4:12

Airsoft is way more fun than paintball. YDI for paintballing.

mxv13 0

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:07

Thats just about the most impossible story I've ever heard. The most she would get is a welt on her finger considering paintballs are basically paint and gelatin and made to break easly; unless you were shooting marbles or something...

Octain 13

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Tuesday 6 March 2012 14:38

Frozen paintballs? Lol

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Friday 28 June 2013 4:28

To be honest I never heard of such incident before myself. But in term of physic theory it is still possible. Maybe you can try it by putting yr last finger right at the end of the barrel and pull the trigger. Tell me if it possible. :)

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:09

#5, maybe she's just very gentile and he shot her pinky? :)

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:14

unless it's frozen at point blank u can't even break the pinky from a piantball I've been shot at point blank 2feet away with unfrozen paintball in the pinky all it did was welt up

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:11

I guess you don't look before you shoot.

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:14

#5: so then how come you can get deep bruises on other parts of your body. I think it's quite possible especially if it was point blank.

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:16

i've played paintball for years, i dont see how this is possible, you have to have your barrel right next to her finger and then be dumb enough to pull the trigger

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Monday 25 May 2009 20:17

aww haha poor girl

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

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You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 57

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 406

You deserved it 253