Health: Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of... - FML

By infected - 30/12/2010 21:37 - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 612

You deserved it 43 483

Sorry…

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Stranded

By Anonymous - 25/01/2012 17:21 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 298

You deserved it 6 430

Sorry…

By Forever alone - 21/12/2020 17:02 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was falling in love with the nostalgia of having handwritten love letters and flowers left on my windshield. Turns out my "secret admirer" was just a mean prank conjured up by my coworkers. They laughed. I cried, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 129

You deserved it 230

By the_lonely_life - 27/06/2013 01:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 009

You deserved it 7 020

By Ya_I_said_it - 26/07/2016 15:31

Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 515

You deserved it 1 483

By ninja breakup? - 11/10/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 541

You deserved it 335

By Anonymous - 05/11/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, after staying in bed all day for a week from sickness, I get up to tell my mom I have terrible back pain and feel extremely dizzy. After curling up on the chair next to her, not being able to keep my head up for too long, she simply stares at me and says, "Can I finish my dinner now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 067

You deserved it 5 396

By scared to leave the house - 20/08/2012 09:14 - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 035

You deserved it 2 404

Might never happen, love

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 05:02

Today, I was blocked by a girl I like. She said I was mean for not understanding why she hates when people tell her to smile. I worked as a waiter and hated when people told me to smile all the time. Yet I'm the one who doesn't understand, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 055

You deserved it 271

By MC Turtledick - 15/02/2012 01:28 - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 690

You deserved it 2 152

What do y'all want?

By ladymichee - 07/07/2021 14:01

Today, police barged into my apartment for a drug raid, but they had the wrong address. They came in while I was naked on my couch and didn't even apologize for breaking my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 090

You deserved it 60

By me - 23/10/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 567

You deserved it 7 489

Targeted

By Anonymous - 10/06/2020 05:08

Today, I woke up and went down to my apartment's underground garage/laundry area to do my laundry and noticed my family's car in the back of the lot, as far away from the garage door as can be, had been broken into. The other, more expensive cars around the garage were untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 104

By t.hughes - 01/04/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 582

You deserved it 3 676

By DoctorBreadLegs - 17/07/2019 20:03

Today, I noticed that the roommate application site for college bugged when I first signed up, and my screen name and real name were swapped as a result. Since the site only displays the names of potential roommates and not our own, I've been unknowingly messaging potential roommates as Parakeet19 for about 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 440

You deserved it 230

By Anonymous - 11/05/2012 19:30 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 708

You deserved it 4 214

By amayasoma - 12/08/2013 18:54 - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 552

You deserved it 7 006

By stillwaiting - 15/09/2009 21:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boss plays a trick on all the interns. He calls you to his office, then leaves you waiting outside until you get annoyed and leave. Apparently, the old record was 45mins. I waited 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 311

You deserved it 11 120

By Demotivation - 02/07/2013 14:35 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 361

You deserved it 3 069

By BrandNewKadillak - 30/04/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 912

You deserved it 11 292

By Granmacathy - 29/11/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 013

You deserved it 4 483

By flavored - 18/11/2013 15:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 116

You deserved it 19 374

By fucktheearth - 20/04/2016 03:32 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 392

You deserved it 2 027

By Anonymous - 06/02/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I asked my professor what happened to the assignment I gave him several weeks ago. Turns out he lost it, and graded me zero as a result. Now if I want a mark, he says I'll have to hand-write it all over again, but that I "probably shouldn't bother," because it was "a bit shit, really." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 453

You deserved it 2 395

By Badaboom - 23/05/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 745

You deserved it 6 312

By How's the salmon? - 10/05/2015 06:00 - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 526

You deserved it 3 047

By Anonymous - 22/02/2017 20:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today, our family cat died. I had to explain this to my 2 small children, who had no experience with death. I ended up bawling like a baby while they consoled me, telling me she had, "gone to a better place". FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 012

You deserved it 1 156

Bittie

By Alwayspotato - 11/07/2020 05:02

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 141

Where you been?

By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I headed out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 087

You deserved it 35 902

By Steve - 16/12/2012 06:25 - United States - Oshkosh

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 662

You deserved it 18 271

By Bob smith - 19/12/2011 20:57 - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 841

You deserved it 33 448

By Magicali - 22/04/2013 02:56 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 251

You deserved it 15 274

By catlover - 16/06/2011 16:14 - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 13 491

What did you say?

By What? - 22/01/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year-old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 569

You deserved it 4 089

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

I agree, your life sucks 257 205

You deserved it 17 658

By Anonymous - 06/06/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 217

You deserved it 44 989

By Nutty - 16/11/2018 22:00

Today, I finally spent the night with a new guy after recently ending a 3-year toxic relationship. The new guy disappeared for 2 hours in the middle of the night, then came back to bed. Turns out he was busy snogging my housemate. I really choose them well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 710

You deserved it 517

By Anonymous - 15/07/2013 03:40 - United States - Odenton

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 896

You deserved it 7 159

By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 660

You deserved it 2 826

By Anonymous - 01/10/2009 05:56 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 447

You deserved it 43 888

By Anonymous - 12/05/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 466

You deserved it 14 558

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:25

YDI for stealing her hat. That's not a very lice thing to do.

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:12

Wow, another lice FML. Forget swine flu, HIV, Ebola, and SARS. It appears the lice outbreak is epidemic!

Comments

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:07

Head lice is a bitch . Js. Sucksss

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:28

Well, that's fucking your fault!

folgy 10

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Friday 31 December 2010 6:11

Better hair lice then crabs could you imagine that crabs on ur head

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Friday 31 December 2010 6:51

YLS is 666 ö

sugarr0babby0 0

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Friday 31 December 2010 7:43

oooo...

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Friday 31 December 2010 12:25

ydi for taking someones hat!

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Friday 25 April 2014 20:45

10, it's 1's fault head lice are a bitch?

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:10

I know hats are great but it is sacred. That's the hat gawds punishing you =P YDI

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Friday 31 December 2010 18:09

Ydi for playing with snow and being a theif.

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:12

Wow, another lice FML. Forget swine flu, HIV, Ebola, and SARS. It appears the lice outbreak is epidemic!

anorexicbarbie 8

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Friday 31 December 2010 3:54

You forgot cholera... oh wait, head lice is worse.

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Friday 31 December 2010 5:28

that kid has a fivehead.

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Friday 31 December 2010 7:02

Did you really just make that same lame joke as that other asshole did a few minutes before? Do you really get off on insulting my little girl that much? If that's your only source of amusement, go right ahead. It doesn't bother me, and I assure you it doesn't bother her. It amuses me that my four year old is more mature than you.

theNEUplayer17 0

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Friday 31 December 2010 7:50

docbastard props to u and ur beautiful daughter, fuck the haters

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Friday 31 December 2010 8:30

you're daughters sucha cutie ppl r dumb.

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Friday 31 December 2010 9:28

mamamiaaa, you're sucha cutie. just sayin' (:

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Friday 31 December 2010 13:24

Doc, in this day and age, i hate to say it but its not that suprising, especially with a lot of the parenting now. There are few of us that were raised to have common sense, respect, tact, and developed intellect of the generations prior to us. Of course some would say all the generations prior to us have been rude and had their own issues and we just see it more now, however it seems to be hitting an extreme with the advancement of technology and people pawning their children off to society to raise instead of instilling family values, morals and of course some form of religion, we have lost touch with our roots and to make it worse we all follow one another like mindless sheep to slaughter. It's all about money, fame, sex, drugs, and parties. Anyhow, I agree with your previous point doc.

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml 0

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Friday 31 December 2010 15:23

I completely agree with big mac.he's got it down.

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Saturday 1 January 2011 0:21

fivehead changed her photo. she mad brahs

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Sunday 2 January 2011 4:43

80 - Bugger off. Do you really have nothing better to do than pick on a 5 year old kid?

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:14

YDI. Your friend was trying to warn you. But your stupid self didn't pay attention.

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Friday 31 December 2010 10:57

^^Justin Bieber^^

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Friday 31 December 2010 11:01

Haha:D Justin<3 LOL

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:17

Gross...

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Friday 31 December 2010 8:05

you're cute:)

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Friday 31 December 2010 8:39

she's 16 your 41. creeper

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Friday 31 December 2010 10:46

#59 your picture is amazing.

macskapingvin 0

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:22

There is only one good way to deal with lice in your hair. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

unidentified_sta 5

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:27

FIRE. FLAMETHROWERAN, in that I'm using a noun as a present-tense verb!

The_Moustache 6

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Friday 31 December 2010 2:18

Yeah if OP burns all their hair off, the lice die too. Then of course, OP is bald, but they can deal with that later.

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Friday 9 December 2011 15:21

Or he could be a ginger and they would burn off like that :)

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:25

YDI for stealing her hat. That's not a very lice thing to do.

macskapingvin 0

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:27

Yeah, a more lice thing to do would be to drink her blood.

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Friday 31 December 2010 3:46

That was a LOUSEy joke

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Friday 31 December 2010 5:20

I just laughed aloud . thank you .

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Friday 31 December 2010 18:43

hahaha.... it's funny because he replaces nice with lice.

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:32

gross lol

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:35

that sucks... good luck getting rid of them :/

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Friday 31 December 2010 1:37

It snows every time she shakes her head. Does empirical observation count?

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 85

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 87