Health: Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking...

By Anonymous - 02/03/2012 15:54 - United States

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 251

You deserved it 3 712

Health

This Charming Man

Clerks 3

Working for the weekend

The single life

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 22:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me while I'm deployed overseas. Her reason why is that she needs "to be alone to better herself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 84

Live Laugh Love

By ihatewalmart - 29/06/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, while at work, I saw a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said, "Yep… that just happened," and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 980

You deserved it 3 186

By concertqueen - 27/08/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 470

You deserved it 2 749

Misery

By Anonymous - 02/12/2021 11:01

Today, I’m a happily married man and I know this because my wife says so all the time. E.g., we don’t need marriage counselling because we’re happily married; you're not moving out because we’re happily married, and the latest, we don’t need a divorce because we’re happily married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 63

By the dead never die - 09/07/2019 22:00

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 173

You deserved it 105

By Ryanissaur - 19/10/2009 05:34 - Australia

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 415

You deserved it 2 992

By sparkrok - 06/03/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 882

You deserved it 18 697

By lonely dreams - 01/01/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 305

You deserved it 6 774

By BigHelp - 08/07/2015 00:52 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 957

You deserved it 4 470

It's maths

By bastawhiz - 18/09/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, a professor approached me in the hall to ask if, since I'm a math major, I could tutor one of her communications majors in a required Calculus course. Apparently the volunteer tutor the school provides "is a complete dumbass." I'm the school's volunteer tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 707

You deserved it 4 469

By jlw1998 - 25/04/2016 04:36 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 434

You deserved it 4 457

By Anonymous - 13/02/2016 01:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 205

You deserved it 1 485

By Anonymous - 03/10/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 949

You deserved it 33 454

By moobysrocks - 20/02/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 011

You deserved it 9 596

Nearly Halloween

By boo - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 760

You deserved it 6 354

By crucets - 06/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 165

You deserved it 57 241

By Anonymous - 27/09/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 398

You deserved it 42 718

By supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - 11/08/2016 08:33 - Australia - Maida Vale

Today, my car broke down on my way home from university. I tried calling for help, only to realise my phone had completely run out of charge. Luckily, I had passed a police station so I decided to walk the 10 minutes down the road to ask for a phone. When I got there, the station was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 142

You deserved it 1 007

By neveragain89 - 06/01/2012 00:37 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 724

You deserved it 5 308

By TooInnocent - 07/07/2016 17:44 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 906

You deserved it 2 197

By Anonymous - 04/12/2013 08:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I like. I got very excited so I quickly picked up. As it turns out, she was actually prank calling me, pretending to be a "liposuction telemarketer" but forgot to press *67. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 794

You deserved it 3 309

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 20:02

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 140

You deserved it 249

By WetWetWet - 04/01/2010 11:15 - India

Today, I returned to work after a restful week-long holiday. Before I left, I'd finished a huge assignment which is due this week. I walk in to find a water pipe has burst just above my desk, flooding our office with water and ruining my computer. Happy New Year to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 924

You deserved it 2 594

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 20:00 - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 853

You deserved it 7 306

Creepypasta

By Anonymous - 13/09/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple of stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 577

You deserved it 803

By "BunnysKitty" - 15/09/2017 23:15

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 959

You deserved it 870

By meyo555 - 02/06/2011 09:45 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 211

You deserved it 4 759

By Watsausrname - 14/06/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 769

You deserved it 5 954

By Bittersweet - 07/07/2019 06:00

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 110

Alas, poor Donald

By Hit and Run - 13/07/2021 07:59 - United States

Today, while driving, I put on my hazards and slowed to a stop to let a family of geese cross the street. The pick-up truck behind me however, decided to change lanes and speed off, running over at least half of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 080

You deserved it 85

By ShowerStar - 15/08/2012 21:14 - United States - Mequon

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 872

You deserved it 4 398

By Alli.M - 18/03/2012 11:06 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 336

You deserved it 3 204

By Lucky - 21/06/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a cruise line I had travelled on with my parents a year ago. After being told I had won a free $2,000 cruise from a sweepstakes I had entered while on the cruise. After celebrating loudly they informed me that you have to be 23 or older to collect it. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 115

You deserved it 6 237

By steph2052 - 13/07/2011 00:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 332

You deserved it 3 935

Stir crazy

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 227

Well Well Well

By no good deed... etc - 16/10/2017 04:30

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 879

You deserved it 379

By j0j0 - 15/01/2009 16:00 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 671

You deserved it 3 816

Say my name, say my name

By Anonymous - 28/08/2020 23:01 - United States

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 999

You deserved it 157

By lizzy1843 - 26/01/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 912

You deserved it 23 809

By Anonymous - 20/07/2013 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 514

You deserved it 3 958

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Top comments

FreakinChaps 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 18:54

I can't even imagine what kissing him would be like.

Redoxx_fml 22

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:02

And vodka is a substitute for mouthwash

FreakinChaps 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 18:54

I can't even imagine what kissing him would be like.

FUUUandyourmom 16

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Friday 2 March 2012 18:57

Then don't.

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:08

1 - Spray windex in your mouth.

skullcandifiedDJ 5

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:12

Yeah, I bet he's gonna say that smoking weed is like eating your vegetables next....

scottieclark 4

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:18

That's disgusting.

Alwayspullout 7

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:21

Um, smoking's bad for you, mmmkay?

The_Troller 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:29

15- Windex is probably a lot cleaner than OP's fiancée's mouth.

JayJaysGirl 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 20:02

17- you're an idiot. I've seen your comments in many things and lets just say: stick with prostitution.

The_Troller 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 21:52

Looks like it's that time of the month for 40.

_Oblivion_ 12

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Friday 2 March 2012 21:54

40- Your comment doesn't mean the slightest fuck to me. All it shows is how much of an asshole you are for criticising a guy that didn't do anything. Stfu and gtfo no one needs your comments, his made more sense than yours.

kyarush 10

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Friday 2 March 2012 22:17

Yummy...

n_epic_fail 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 22:33

Depending on what else is mixed with you're weed it technically could be a vegetable.... It does come come from a leaf ;)

bitter3ulogy 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 22:38

#80 Then you get a mouth like in your picture

littletinyME 5

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Friday 2 March 2012 22:39

80, weed is made from the buds of the plants. Also, smoking something can not give you the nutrition that actual vegetables can.

HeartOnSleeves 8

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Friday 2 March 2012 23:02

I kinda just wanted to comment to say... HARVEST MOON PICTURE! Sorry about the nastyness, OP.

Z03y 7

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Friday 2 March 2012 23:06

#1 probably like licking an old ashtray that has never been cleaned!

IStoleTheCookies 16

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:22

My ex was a smoker, and never used to brush his teeth. It used to grind my gears so much, there is absolutely no need for being unhygienic when you have available sources! (toothbrush, shower etc.) Give him a kick up the backside and tell him to fix up.

afunnyterdcody 5

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Saturday 3 March 2012 5:27

Yup

spongebob1990 3

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Saturday 3 March 2012 6:40

Its not !!!!

AllSoul 23

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Friday 2 March 2012 18:57

Oh so fresh.

alpaquette91 9

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:06

Dirty mouth? Clean it up with marlboro menthol!

skitzofunia88 8

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Friday 2 March 2012 21:21

Hey what coincidence I'm smokin that exact brand right meow. Mmm menthol... Good for the soul. *cough

ManlyDunsparce 3

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:42

Menthols? Must be a black guy.

TurnpikeTwister 0

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Saturday 3 March 2012 8:46

Makes you feel like your taking a deep breath on top of a mountain, ahhhhh refreshing!!!

neverdrinkSODA 12

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Friday 2 March 2012 18:58

destroy all of his cigarettes

reapy 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:17

Yeah, cause he can't pop back out to the shop and get more, can he?

DocBastard 38

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:19

Sure he can. And then she can destroy those. And the cycle continues until he runs out of money, dumps her for caring about him and his health, or comes to his damned senses and quits.

JayJaysGirl 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 20:20

Yes well...Good Luck With That..

maronofhearts 19

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:25

Yeah Doc or becomes violent and puts other peoples lives in danger like hers because you're not only wasting his money that he earned but you're taking away his habit forcefully which is unhealthy and can cause him to become angry from withdrawal. Would've thought you'd be against that sort of thing Doc.

marzipanimal 15

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Saturday 3 March 2012 1:38

I just got a chill from your picture #4

OwnageTheCat 2

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Saturday 3 March 2012 8:08

Destroy ALL of the cigarettes!

DocBastard 38

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Saturday 3 March 2012 21:26

maronofhearts - You would have thought wrong. I'm in favour of getting people to quit smoking however I can. If that means wasting their hard-earned money and making them angry because they're too stupid or lazy to quit, then so be it. Smoking is the number one (or two, depending on what statistics you believe) preventable cause of death in the world. So do I feel sorry for someone who gets irritable because he can't have his precious cancer stick? Nope, not one little bit.

jerryk 2

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Sunday 4 March 2012 4:38

IM so glad you feel that you have the right to try and take away their freedom of choice if they smoke, then they smoke get over it...

buck33 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Torva_fml 16

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Friday 2 March 2012 21:45

Seriously?

InvaderAmi 4

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Saturday 3 March 2012 9:11

Please be kidding.

bananabuttercup 8

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Saturday 3 March 2012 9:39

Thats like someone washing thier body with WD40 and you being like "isn't that a cleaning agent?"

Maxcold 2

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Tuesday 20 March 2012 21:34

*facepalm.

French_Toast_fml 3

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:00

Well, 2 out of 5 dentists smoke Camel Menthol, so I guess it works.

Jannettecooks 1

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:40

I can't believe you got thumbs down for this! Made me lol :)

The_Hitdude 12

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Friday 2 March 2012 21:54

....and 85% if online statistics are made up. Including mine.

The_Troller 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 22:00

85% is probably accurate though.

nancyfantastic 3

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:01

And yet, he's your fiancé.

kooochris1995 14

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Friday 2 March 2012 23:47

Yeah. I don't get why people complain about their relationship. I mean they're the ones who choose their boyfriend/girlfriend.

nancyfantastic 3

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Saturday 3 March 2012 4:35

Agreed. I'm assuming this isn't a new habit.

Lizzy500 16

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Saturday 3 March 2012 15:42

Considering how physically close you have to get to someone to make children and all that, umm yeah I could break up with a dude over something as "little" as hygeine.

sweetpea41800 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:01

That's just disgusting. Hygiene problem guessing?

1crabbygirl 10

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:02

Why did she *start* kissing him??

Redoxx_fml 22

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:02

And vodka is a substitute for mouthwash

jeob1992 8

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:45

Umm... Always

zombicidal 11

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:55

it does kill germs its alcohol after all just not as high a concentration

swimmersrok 0

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Saturday 3 March 2012 1:14

Actually... I think theres like alcohol in listerine and other mouthwash. Interesting possibilities...

starman02 12

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Saturday 3 March 2012 4:20

Nom nom nom vodka

moneybagz131 6

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:03

Durtee mouf? Clean it up with MENTHOL. Nauw in stylish new packs.

lotrgeek 10

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:07

I'm seriously hoping you tried very hard to purposely spell that badly. Otherwise, no...Just no.

GypsyHearted 2

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:11

He's using phonics to depict a British accent.

mikeymayhem_87 15

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:13

I am guessing he is spelling out gangsta speak lol

moneybagz131 6

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:21

Nope just failing at pronouncing an English accent

Keebz_02 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 21:24

Hookt on fonix reely wurkd 4 mee!

happy2468 21

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:56

Dirty* mouth* now*

Awsumuzzie 12

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Saturday 3 March 2012 1:07

How is everyone confusing this guy as being serious about his spelling? She pronounces those words in that manner, and I give him credit for trying. I wouldn't have gotten close to her accent.