Work: Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in... - FML

By boss stabber - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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Proactive

Serious times

Vampires are everywhere

By sleepytime - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

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By Chlo

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bailed my brother out of jail for violating a restraining order filed against him by his ex. I dropped him off at the place he told me he was staying at. Turned out it was his ex's house, and now he's in jail again. FML

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By ChangingTheLocks

Call The Police!

Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML

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By alone and horny - 20/6/2020 20:01

Some people just don't like surprises

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

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By ohgawd - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

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By hannah - 18/2/2021 00:30

Shot from both sides

Today, I was yelled at by multiple people at work for not wearing any makeup. The only reason I don’t wear makeup is because my mom is guaranteed to make me cry before I leave the house every morning, so there’s no point. FML

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By awkward.. - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my boyfriend complimented me on how he liked my freckles down below. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they were just razor rash. FML

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By face - United States

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

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By Fmylife - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By andromeda80 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Minzier

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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By EnglishLearner - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By JackieD - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

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By thanatophobia - France

Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML

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By Kyokushin - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

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By denied - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

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By pappy - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my friend asked me if I flirted with any girls during our shift. I said, "No, not any I could think of." He then told me there was a note on my windshield that said, "Call me" with a phone number on it. After my shift, I went to my car excited and read the note. It was just a penis. FML

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By ragingwaffles - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By Anonyme - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 17:00

Worth a shot

Today, I told the guy I've been in love with for a year how I felt. He replied, "There will never be an us, but you can send nudes if you like." FML

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By Anonymous - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By mazey93 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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By Jessica - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

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By amandanoelle - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

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By sarah_sad - United States

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

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By wowzersthatsucks - United States

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

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By boss_daughter - United States

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

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Top comments

By ____gerard____ | 11

#6162869 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:12

I don't see how that could've been offensive to gay people

By HeadlessSparrow | 20

#6162882 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

Horrible Bosses 3: FML edition

COMMENTS

By ____gerard____ | 11

#6162869 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:12

I don't see how that could've been offensive to gay people

Reply

Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6163039 - Monday 5 January 2015 1:53

It's like Carlos Mencia once said. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6164202 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 3:04

It's about as offensive to homosexuals as it is to black people who have been shanked before. Only in the minds of overly sensitive people who take everything out of context and blow it out of proportion.

Reply

seriouslygrowup | 11

#6164485 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 9:42

unless his boss is in the closet and found it upsetting that he could read his mind and then make up euphemisms about it

Reply

spoo | 24

#6164686 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 15:51

The boss is obsessing about being poked in the pooper. OP's comment connected to their thoughts so they naturally assumed it had to be exactly what the boss was thinking about.

By bobman51 | 15

#6162877 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:13

Well your boss is an ignorant asshole, case closed

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6163195 - Monday 5 January 2015 4:37

After researching... I have not found your boss interpretation anywhere. Go to HR. He is crazy...

By HeadlessSparrow | 20

#6162882 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

Horrible Bosses 3: FML edition

By Erebus_Terror | 12

#6162883 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

At first glance, it sounds more like encouraging the murder of Black people, if anything.

Reply

jamiro11 | 19

#6162953 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

theaaxis | 27

#6164310 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 5:06

and you sir, need better evenings.

Reply

Jdlove2 | 20

#6164414 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 7:17

I laughed to hard at this

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#6162890 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:16

Your boss needs to relax a little

By XxXBadAshXxX | 27

#6162891 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:16

Sounds like your boss just wanted an excuse to berate you, even if it's a common saying.

By Perfectly_Killer | 14

#6162894 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:17

Its a sad day when a straight person gets more upset than a gay person after a "gay comment". Especially if its not meant to be one at all.

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6162898 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:17

Your boss believes it's a stab dat matters because he heard Haydn meanings in your words.

Reply

HarleyBlues | 24

#6163034 - Monday 5 January 2015 1:48

?

Reply

RBW_Slave | 9

#6163057 - Monday 5 January 2015 2:09

I thought this was the English FML site...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6163068 - Monday 5 January 2015 2:20

"You boss believes that the word "stab" matters because he heard. It's the hidden meaning in your words".

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6163155 - Monday 5 January 2015 3:54

Thanks 42, my gibberish translator was broken.

Reply

SingleMom_of_2 | 5

#6163212 - Monday 5 January 2015 4:52

Seriously 42 thanks I was at a loss on how to translate that one

Reply

clemsi | 20

#6163385 - Monday 5 January 2015 8:39

if you think 8s gibberish was bad, go look at #70s....it made my translator burst into flames.

Reply

HairIsEverything | 15

#6163987 - Monday 5 January 2015 22:22

#58 I think you're either confused, or typed the comment number wrong.. #70's is very easy to read and grammar/spelling is fine.

Reply

clemsi | 20

#6164505 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 10:42

I don't even see 70s comment anymore so I can double check.

By Pizzapiggy1 | 18

#6162899 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:18

Your boss needs to go back to high-school if he doesn't even understand simple euphemisms

By EJSwank | 14

#6162903 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:19

Sounds like he's a little too worried about seeming homophobic. Clearly he's got some issues of his own to work out