Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in... - FML

By boss stabber - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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Caught red-handed

Understanding

Thanks, government

By hahahaha090114 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, 3 policemen interrogated me and asked for ID but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

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By anyone - Lebanon

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

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By jagerbombs - United States

Today, I woke up at a strangers house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML

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By viviham - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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By G-6

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

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By TOOshort

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

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By fml boy

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 05:56 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Understanding

Today, it was my dad's 60th. I was planning on calling him early, but due to a client (I'm a social worker) ending up in hospital because her husband beat her up, I couldn't call him until 2:30. My mum phoned me in tears, yelling that I was a bad daughter and obviously didn't care about my dad. FML

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By forreal

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

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By Kristache - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By Carolina R-h

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

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By MistofAvalon - 24/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML

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By Teach - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I took my class to swimming lessons at the local public pool. One student came out and proudly told me that she'd pooed in the shower, but it was OK because she'd then picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. FML

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By forthethreeofus

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By imsadnow - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

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By disappointed - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

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By jfc, how just how - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML

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By pussyOUT - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

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By use your brain mother - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

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By Drafty - United States - Sylmar

Today, a stray dog came up to my living room window. My pitbull went into attack mode and tried to jump through said window, while it was closed. Now I have to pay to replace the window, and pay to get stitches for my idiot dog. FML

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By wow - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

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By jess - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment after class so I threw my electric toothbrush in my backpack so I could brush my teeth before. In the middle of class the toothbrush turns on and the vibrations could be heard throughout the classroom. They yelled at me "Jess has a vibrator!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML

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By nofriends - United States

Today, we had to give a surprise speech in speech class on two of our best and closest friends. My first friend was my mom. I had to make up the other one. FML

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By SODbeatlesMCRlp - United States

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

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By Loho - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

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By boss_daughter - United States

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

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By Dirtisgood

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

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Top comments

By ____gerard____ | 11

#6162869 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:12

I don't see how that could've been offensive to gay people

By HeadlessSparrow | 20

#6162882 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

Horrible Bosses 3: FML edition

COMMENTS

By ____gerard____ | 11

#6162869 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:12

I don't see how that could've been offensive to gay people

Reply

Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6163039 - Monday 5 January 2015 1:53

It's like Carlos Mencia once said. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6164202 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 3:04

It's about as offensive to homosexuals as it is to black people who have been shanked before. Only in the minds of overly sensitive people who take everything out of context and blow it out of proportion.

Reply

seriouslygrowup | 11

#6164485 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 9:42

unless his boss is in the closet and found it upsetting that he could read his mind and then make up euphemisms about it

Reply

spoo | 24

#6164686 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 15:51

The boss is obsessing about being poked in the pooper. OP's comment connected to their thoughts so they naturally assumed it had to be exactly what the boss was thinking about.

By bobman51 | 15

#6162877 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:13

Well your boss is an ignorant asshole, case closed

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6163195 - Monday 5 January 2015 4:37

After researching... I have not found your boss interpretation anywhere. Go to HR. He is crazy...

By HeadlessSparrow | 20

#6162882 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

Horrible Bosses 3: FML edition

By Erebus_Terror | 12

#6162883 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

At first glance, it sounds more like encouraging the murder of Black people, if anything.

Reply

jamiro11 | 19

#6162953 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

theaaxis | 27

#6164310 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 5:06

and you sir, need better evenings.

Reply

Jdlove2 | 20

#6164414 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 7:17

I laughed to hard at this

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#6162890 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:16

Your boss needs to relax a little

By XxXBadAshXxX | 27

#6162891 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:16

Sounds like your boss just wanted an excuse to berate you, even if it's a common saying.

By Perfectly_Killer | 14

#6162894 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:17

Its a sad day when a straight person gets more upset than a gay person after a "gay comment". Especially if its not meant to be one at all.

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6162898 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:17

Your boss believes it's a stab dat matters because he heard Haydn meanings in your words.

Reply

HarleyBlues | 24

#6163034 - Monday 5 January 2015 1:48

?

Reply

RBW_Slave | 9

#6163057 - Monday 5 January 2015 2:09

I thought this was the English FML site...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6163068 - Monday 5 January 2015 2:20

"You boss believes that the word "stab" matters because he heard. It's the hidden meaning in your words".

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6163155 - Monday 5 January 2015 3:54

Thanks 42, my gibberish translator was broken.

Reply

SingleMom_of_2 | 5

#6163212 - Monday 5 January 2015 4:52

Seriously 42 thanks I was at a loss on how to translate that one

Reply

clemsi | 20

#6163385 - Monday 5 January 2015 8:39

if you think 8s gibberish was bad, go look at #70s....it made my translator burst into flames.

Reply

HairIsEverything | 15

#6163987 - Monday 5 January 2015 22:22

#58 I think you're either confused, or typed the comment number wrong.. #70's is very easy to read and grammar/spelling is fine.

Reply

clemsi | 20

#6164505 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 10:42

I don't even see 70s comment anymore so I can double check.

By Pizzapiggy1 | 18

#6162899 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:18

Your boss needs to go back to high-school if he doesn't even understand simple euphemisms

By EJSwank | 14

#6162903 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:19

Sounds like he's a little too worried about seeming homophobic. Clearly he's got some issues of his own to work out