Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in... - FML

By boss stabber - 4/1/2015 06:52 - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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Great boyfriend

Long story short

Headache

By mandygeegoesnom - 29/2/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

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By trainhump - 20/2/2010 10:54 - Australia

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - 27/2/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 05:28 - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

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By illiterate - 17/6/2011 04:16 - Australia

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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By Betchsadface - 13/7/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 16:27 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

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By Chubby - 17/11/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, I told my boss about a coworker that had been hitting on me. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I was afraid that would happen. He's a bit of a chubby chaser." FML

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By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By notacreep - 16/5/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

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By flexibleflatulance - 5/9/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I decided to give my virginity to my boyfriend of four months, because I told him I loved him. Two minutes after he'd pulled out, he grabs his cell and mass texts "I FINALLY GOT LAID!". FML

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By caught out - 26/4/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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By Sean - 9/10/2010 20:54 - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

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By moe - 27/5/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

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By my first job - 6/4/2016 20:02 - Canada - Westerose

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

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By sunflowercake - 23/8/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

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By ShowerStar - 15/8/2012 21:14 - United States - Mequon

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

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By - 10/11/2019 05:00

Love sex

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By Big break - 18/5/2020 14:00

As seen on TV

Today, I finally got my big TV debut. After thousand of dollars in acting classes and years of waiting to become a professional actress, I got featured in a commercial. I will be rubbing toilet paper against my face for all of four seconds. Hurray, fame! FML

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By PghSportsNation - 2/9/2011 14:56 - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2016 19:00 - United States - Royersford

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 06:29 - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2019 20:00

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

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By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2015 10:27 - Australia - Doncaster

Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML

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By imfromtexas02 - 6/6/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 11:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML

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By Ouch - 14/7/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

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By Theboredone - 29/3/2018 19:00

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2019 18:00

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes 3 weeks ago. FML

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By 552220000 - 14/6/2019 22:00

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By MartianTom - 14/4/2017 07:00 - United States - Evanston

Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink. As he headed out the door, I said, "Thanks, Gus!" He turned around and said matter-of-factly, "My name is Eli." I've been addressing him as "Gus" for the past year and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 03:27 - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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Top comments

By ____gerard____ | 11

#6162869 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:12

I don't see how that could've been offensive to gay people

By HeadlessSparrow | 20

#6162882 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

Horrible Bosses 3: FML edition

Comments

By ____gerard____ | 11

#6162869 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:12

I don't see how that could've been offensive to gay people

Reply

Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6163039 - Monday 5 January 2015 1:53

It's like Carlos Mencia once said. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6164202 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 3:04

It's about as offensive to homosexuals as it is to black people who have been shanked before. Only in the minds of overly sensitive people who take everything out of context and blow it out of proportion.

Reply

seriouslygrowup | 11

#6164485 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 9:42

unless his boss is in the closet and found it upsetting that he could read his mind and then make up euphemisms about it

Reply

spoo | 24

#6164686 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 15:51

The boss is obsessing about being poked in the pooper. OP's comment connected to their thoughts so they naturally assumed it had to be exactly what the boss was thinking about.

By bobman51 | 15

#6162877 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:13

Well your boss is an ignorant asshole, case closed

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6163195 - Monday 5 January 2015 4:37

After researching... I have not found your boss interpretation anywhere. Go to HR. He is crazy...

By HeadlessSparrow | 20

#6162882 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

Horrible Bosses 3: FML edition

By Erebus_Terror | 12

#6162883 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:14

At first glance, it sounds more like encouraging the murder of Black people, if anything.

Reply

jamiro11 | 19

#6162953 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

theaaxis | 27

#6164310 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 5:06

and you sir, need better evenings.

Reply

Jdlove2 | 20

#6164414 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 7:17

I laughed to hard at this

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#6162890 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:16

Your boss needs to relax a little

By XxXBadAshXxX | 27

#6162891 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:16

Sounds like your boss just wanted an excuse to berate you, even if it's a common saying.

By Perfectly_Killer | 14

#6162894 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:17

Its a sad day when a straight person gets more upset than a gay person after a "gay comment". Especially if its not meant to be one at all.

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6162898 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:17

Your boss believes it's a stab dat matters because he heard Haydn meanings in your words.

Reply

HarleyBlues | 24

#6163034 - Monday 5 January 2015 1:48

?

Reply

RBW_Slave | 9

#6163057 - Monday 5 January 2015 2:09

I thought this was the English FML site...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6163068 - Monday 5 January 2015 2:20

"You boss believes that the word "stab" matters because he heard. It's the hidden meaning in your words".

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6163155 - Monday 5 January 2015 3:54

Thanks 42, my gibberish translator was broken.

Reply

SingleMom_of_2 | 5

#6163212 - Monday 5 January 2015 4:52

Seriously 42 thanks I was at a loss on how to translate that one

Reply

clemsi | 20

#6163385 - Monday 5 January 2015 8:39

if you think 8s gibberish was bad, go look at #70s....it made my translator burst into flames.

Reply

HairIsEverything | 15

#6163987 - Monday 5 January 2015 22:22

#58 I think you're either confused, or typed the comment number wrong.. #70's is very easy to read and grammar/spelling is fine.

Reply

clemsi | 20

#6164505 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 10:42

I don't even see 70s comment anymore so I can double check.

By Pizzapiggy1 | 18

#6162899 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:18

Your boss needs to go back to high-school if he doesn't even understand simple euphemisms

By EJSwank | 14

#6162903 - Monday 5 January 2015 0:19

Sounds like he's a little too worried about seeming homophobic. Clearly he's got some issues of his own to work out