Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, I learned that when my daughter spent the night at her best friend's house for her 18th birthday, they made her an account on one of those "cam girl" websites, and now every time she goes over there, she masturbates for money in front of strangers. FML
Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
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Top comments
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
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Comments (189)
everett75 4
Now u know how it got sprained
grtfuldeadlovr 27
Who still gives hand jobs?
Hiimhaileypotter 53
A lot of people, actually.
ironik69 31
Obviously OP'S daughter.
unknown2126 14
Wtf are you talking about 32??? He was taught by your mother, and by the looks of it, you have it also
athos1237 4
So she should start giving ******** instead or use her other hand?
TheDrifter 24
The sarcasm was clear, but so was your inner twittard.
uoeno_fml 20
I'd let my **** sit in her mouth for a little bit
compaq163 8
25: Have my like milady !
HKCgrimmjow 15
I thought it was funny... Some serious haters of the twitter verse here. Not that I blame you though.
onorexveritas 24
that's disturbing
FlyingLeumer 19
Dang! You spelled disturbing correctly! I was hoping for another "Scooby, is that you!?"
vladimirjames 5
Well 69, I don't think you're one to comment on spelling
FlyingLeumer 19
I was saying she spelled it correctly! That would be a compliment!
SwaggCapone 11
Atleast its not ********?