Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, I learned that when my daughter spent the night at her best friend's house for her 18th birthday, they made her an account on one of those "cam girl" websites, and now every time she goes over there, she masturbates for money in front of strangers. FML
Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
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Top comments
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
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Comments (189)
stanjohnson 11
I have never understood getting a hand job. If that's all she is going to do I would rather she rubbed my back. I can't reach my back.
mandyk5918 12
You should beat her ass for being a *****
looney_mc 4
Where's the line yo
slinger_101 2
Least it's not mouth sprain. Be thankful
cougar41 8
So your daughter is a ****. Your so proud you thought you would share the news internationally ??
silvanawernli 5
ewwwwwww
IGaveRickUp 15
Have you asked Jesus if this is ok? Because if he says it's ok, then it's wrong. Or maybe it's the other way around... I don't know, I personally have a problem trusting hippies.
fuzz97 23
HA
kborneman 2
Uh, what? Did she show up and find her daughter with a line of guys waiting for service?
lbrown66 12
She sounds like quite a jerk