Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, I learned that when my daughter spent the night at her best friend's house for her 18th birthday, they made her an account on one of those "cam girl" websites, and now every time she goes over there, she masturbates for money in front of strangers. FML
Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
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Top comments
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
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Comments (189)
alaen23 23
How old is she? If she is under eighteen take away all her electronics and put her on house arrest! This could get her a bad reputation and cause some issues later on, also if she was my daughter I would have broken her other elbow to match as punishment :3
Perdition25 12
Your ability to read is phenomenal, it says she is 17...
meowmeee 7
Were you ever a teenager? If you think handjobs are bad then you really got it coming for you when you have kids. You can't keep your kids away from sex, the only thing you can do is educate them and make sure they have protection.
Alihb 16
Dont be an idiot, any teen can avoid sex.
lexi365 20
It's going to get worse when the daughter is out of the house and at college.
meowmeee 7
Only if they want to not bc their parents force it.
BrotherPhil 35
They can, but you can't force them to.
uptown_16 9
get ya popcorn here!
alxpilk 8
@71: You mean blow?
relaxeazy 24
Two kinda of people in the world
duncanmono 12
Sounds like you are winning as a parent
AnimeWeebLord420 2
Your daughter is a ****. Show her Jesus and try converting her to Christianity. Only then will she be able to live a morally correct life.
miiajayne 6
If you blow when you're giving one, you're doing it wrong.
chronosphere 18
your daughter is a noob....why would you use an elbow on a handjob
meowmeee 7
Clearly she was using her hand with the arm that had the sprained elbow? When you use muscles in your body it contracts and pulls on others in the same limb. When you give handjobs you move your elbow... Got it now?
graceinsheepwear 34
110, pretty sure that was sarcasm.Get it now?
TogeBara 12
Clearly you are too incompetent to understand the joke? When you use synapses in your brain it causes electric currents to jump between them and causes a cognitive process. When you read jokes you use your brain to understand them...Got it now?
meowmeee 7
Sounds more like stupidity to me than sarcasm . && that's not how that works either sorry.
winkydink13 6
This is so fake. A sprained elbow can be fixed easily just by bending and turning your arm a few different ways.
BossPathfinderGM 14
Everyone's overlooking the bright side... at least it was just masturbation, not fornication. Give her some credit for at least PARTIALLY looking out for her health.