Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, I learned that when my daughter spent the night at her best friend's house for her 18th birthday, they made her an account on one of those "cam girl" websites, and now every time she goes over there, she masturbates for money in front of strangers. FML
Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
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Top comments
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
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Comments (189)
darwinism 30
Here is another discovery...ambidexterity is not a family trait. FYL
17This_Is_Me17 8
I wonder .. is that how she sprained it in the first place ?
ebbalofstedt 9
Yolo
FlyingLeumer 19
Hm. Today's youth seems to get more unintellagent by the minute. Next thing you know, theyll start snorting condoms. Oh wait. ..
hashshim 23
It's great when someone says others aren't "intellagent" yet can't seem to be able to spell "intelligent".
Alicestraza 33
I hope you spelt that wrong on purpose..
FlyingLeumer 19
I did spell it wrong on purpose to further my point :). Don't worry, I know how to spell unintelligent :)
ElectricEffect 13
I somehow doubt that, 54.
FlyingLeumer 19
Read some of my other comments, and you'll see that I'm telling the truth.
geko911 22
Writing like an idiot does not in fact further your point. It makes you look like a dumbass and nullifies your point more than anything else.
CharresBarkrey 16
A spelling or grammar error in any comment in which the person is ridiculing others for being unintelligent, automatically completely negates the entire comment. I couldn't even see the point in your comment after you misspelled unintelligent, that's all I could focus on.
FrankHotpants 31
Is this the same girl who gave the bad hand job at the movies, suddenly everything makes sense.
greenpixi 10
She's practicing!
assassinbanana0 20
You're one to talk "cough cough"
shyeahh_fml 19
Wow, that was so original that I've never heard it hundreds of times before.
perdix 31
I hope the receivers appreciate how she's playing through the pain. She suffers for her art. At least, she's not a mime.
jabi3jabi3 8
guys, its from pitch perfect, relax.
ZeroPath5 16
#32 You must be new here...not a good first impression so far