Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, I learned that when my daughter spent the night at her best friend's house for her 18th birthday, they made her an account on one of those "cam girl" websites, and now every time she goes over there, she masturbates for money in front of strangers. FML
Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
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Top comments
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
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Comments (189)
Hammer940 7
It's a disease. It's not her fault she can't stop cranking away at random guys.
Latino_Nino 10
She's probably suffering from that **** Craving Disorder
Enslaved 38
Apparently Twerking is a disease too. VH-1 Steve TV Intervention. :P
IStoleTheCookies 16
#51 i have seen that Twerking Intervention and it's hilarious! Haha xD
SiJSyd 2
Who says they're random?
uniquechic21 12
She's just doing physical therapy extra credit.
assassinbanana0 20
How do you know she's a ****? She could be in a relationship for a long time and they are sexually active with each other. Don't be so quick to judge
DocBastard 40
This isn't Twitter. Go be a twit elsewhere. #lol #yolo #swag
buckeyed 20
hey, she's a giver. you can't fault her for that.
queendeadjesters 2
Can I have your number?
vballgirly28 16
I really hope that giving hand jobs isn't the reason that she has a sprained elbow.....
DLT_fml 20
Well, we have no reason to believe it was Tennis Elbow...
Acik91 26
More like Penis Elbow?
CaptFuzzyNippl_2 16
Maybe you should trade her spots..you can do the handjobs but let her blow.
meowmeee 7
I wouldn't doubt that your a pedo. Just saying.
Looee 20
I don't think Dr. Phil would give this kind of advice to anyone.
BrotherPhil 35
You've never heard of a sportsman's double?
Alihb 16
17 year old that gives constant handjobs. ****.
singer0421 32
How did you think she sprained her elbow before??