Health: Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom...

By Ima_Moronski - 26/07/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 355

You deserved it 7 090

Health

Sounds like a catch

Get on with it!

Too passionate for me

By pinks - 02/09/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 933

You deserved it 6 671

Unloveable

By Blah - 10/10/2019 06:01

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 872

You deserved it 375

By Anonymous - 31/08/2014 17:51 - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 447

You deserved it 3 848

By nonnie31 - 25/04/2016 19:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I arrived for the two-week scuba diving vacation I spent months saving, planning, and looking forward to. Today, I also developed an ear infection and can't scuba dive for 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 268

You deserved it 913

By zain - 04/06/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 836

You deserved it 3 675

By Monster-in-law - 09/08/2017 16:30 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 860

You deserved it 247

By oops - 04/03/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 979

You deserved it 3 387

By fannyfitel123 - 24/08/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 046

You deserved it 3 568

By Shrek's Pubes - 22/05/2019 20:00

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 544

By lastinclass - 13/07/2016 21:28 - Canada - Vancouver

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 1 038

The Birmingham School of Business School

By overundereducated - 13/03/2020 18:00

Today, I found out that my stick figure drawing passed as homework during my doctoral level seminar. I'm paying over two thousand dollars for this course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 215

By allergyssuck - 05/07/2018 20:30

Today, I got a soap that my doctor recommended, because I am allergic to the vast majority of soaps. After driving 45 miles to the only store that sells it and paying $12 for a bottle, I found out I am allergic to it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 679

You deserved it 266

By Anonymous - 07/05/2012 05:25 - United States - North Bergen

Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 527

You deserved it 3 033

Grab it while you can

By Arabian_Soap - 31/05/2021 16:01 - Australia - Mermaid Beach

Today, I was walking through a rich part of the city and saw 2 dollars on the ground. I didn't pick it so people wouldn't think I was poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 1 067

By GeeThanksMom - 25/02/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 594

You deserved it 203

By married life - 16/05/2013 05:58 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 480

You deserved it 5 828

So cute

By Anonymous - 23/02/2014 17:29 - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 049

You deserved it 7 575

Fussy eater

By germaphobe - 19/08/2021 20:59 - United States

Today, my kids and I went to have dinner with a coworker. After everyone ate, the kids went to play while I helped clear the dishes. To my horror, instead of individually wrapping the kids leftovers, she scraped all the uneaten food back into the main pots. I wanted to puke on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 115

By promposer - 04/04/2016 18:55 - United States - Dobbs Ferry

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 561

You deserved it 4 456

By Anonymous - 25/03/2014 21:53 - United States - Springboro

Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 418

You deserved it 3 830

By Gottabekidding - 09/09/2016 00:33 - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 666

You deserved it 841

By Anonymous - 20/07/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 424

You deserved it 7 770

By Alexismaria - 23/10/2014 20:05 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 708

You deserved it 3 260

By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 765

You deserved it 1 806

Wrong drugs

By Anonymous - 26/07/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 149

You deserved it 84 915

We hear it was a great show!

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 14:00

Today, I was supposed to be going to Edinburgh to see my favourite band live. I was expecting to be picked up at 8 a.m. for the drive there, but I woke up to a text saying my friend bought tickets for the wrong city. The show he paid was for 2 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 646

You deserved it 129

By Tooth Fairy - 25/05/2018 16:00 - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 605

You deserved it 235

By Christina - 05/12/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 739

You deserved it 49 671

By Iknowhowtoraisethem - 26/12/2016 01:06 - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 328

You deserved it 907

By messyvictor - 28/01/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 330

You deserved it 3 068

Thanks for your service

By really - 19/02/2013 15:27 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 634

You deserved it 8 512

By Anonymous - 17/11/2012 00:30 - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, I have a tooth infection that's spread to my jaw and ear. It hurts so badly that I'm practically in tears. Today's also the day I found out I'm allergic to the medication I was prescribed. Everything hurts, I'm covered in hives, and I can't stop throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 125

You deserved it 2 151

By Tom - 01/11/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 826

You deserved it 4 797

Awkward

By Nikki - 18/03/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 065

You deserved it 91 280

By twitterfailsme - 04/11/2013 12:08 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 947

You deserved it 3 527

Caught in the act

By Anonymous - 12/08/2021 14:01

Today, I went to a party and saw my current boyfriend making out with my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 781

You deserved it 28 115

By ripfluffy - 28/09/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 520

You deserved it 9 996

By anonymous - 05/01/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 720

You deserved it 7 547

By fukingtigans - 29/07/2015 15:30 - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 592

You deserved it 2 478

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Top comments

Fx13mz 7

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

That is just disgusting. Poor granny though.

MsSoulReaper 27

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:14

More like FHL! She got shit on her back!

Fx13mz 7

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

That is just disgusting. Poor granny though.

TaylorSaysMoo 4

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:15

Aaand that's why you don't joke about things like that

NuTrees 9

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:16

lol this is exactly what I said when I read it

Ellifish 2

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:22

Omnomnom?

supimnyancat 9

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:24

That's a shitty, oh wait I have a life.

ilovepoppa 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:36

I agree with #1, & I hope you helped her..

Tommananaze6T9 4

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:45

all these shit jokes r just shitty now

skiier4life 1

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:59

That's bullshit to say you shouldn't joke about stuff like that. Now what? Should I not say momma jokes cuz it's possible the kid's mom died? OP is obviously close to her grandma and can joke if she'd like.

iEthan 5

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:01

Business in the front's marketing is sagging, the party in the back is shitty.

icefshng8 9

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:17

OP didn't mean any harm OP just said it for * shits and gigs*

milakitty21 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:28

Stop giving poor granny shit! She has enough of it on her back already.

supernerd352 7

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:31

ewwwww

MsRandomKatie 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 11:25

wow. Have you guys ever heard of respect? I don't care who we are talking about here. you guys are just plain rude to be making fun of her. Respect the senior citizens!

wolflover44 5

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 14:41

At least they were shopping. Granny probably had a new shirt already, she could change into it. Just put all the stuff in one bag and use another one for the dirty shirt. It sucks, but at least they weren't in the middle of nowhere.

iLOLatURpain69 7

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 15:39

You think you the shit till we flush you!

Uneedanapbro 6

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 17:36

Shit happens.

Po1ntBlank 0

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Saturday 30 July 2011 15:22

well after reading, "Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML" im like HAHA KARMA!! but then I'm like wait different granny =/

MsSoulReaper 27

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:14

More like FHL! She got shit on her back!

chickunkey 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:47

Today, I had to use the restroom. While standing over the shit filled toilet, my legs gave out dropping me into the toilet on my back. After struggling for a bit, I was finally able to wiggle my way out. When I finally left that bathroom, my gran-daughter laughed at me. FML

a_nutritionist 10

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:21

@48 we kinda knew what it meant when we read the original comment.

TheRealBruce 12

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:14

does that answer your question

iAintEvenMad 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:37

3- Everytime I read one of your comments, I read it in that family guy character's voice. lol.

TheRealBruce 12

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:47

:) well thank you I am glad you have read my comments.

iAintEvenMad 0

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 0:08

TheRealBruce 12

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:14

does that answer your question

willbruton_ 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:14

That poor woman. More like FHL.

iamsoobored 0

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:20

Why are you on FML if you want to feel sorry for people?

willbruton_ 0

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 7:09

You can't help but feel sorry for some people buddy.

ginormica 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:15

Ohhh bet that gave her the shits. Hahahahahahha

bengalsbaby13 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:19

niiiice hahahaha

ZombieeeeUnicorn 1

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:42

that's so funny hahahahahahaha...no

flossybaben 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:55

jokes are supposed to be funny.

ginormica 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 17:22

lighten up

flossybaben 0

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:34

no.

BIEBERSLAYER 10

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:15

here it goes just wait for all the stupid shit jokes.

Garyy_fml 11

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:27

Mentioning the shut jokes to come is just as faggot-esque as actually leaving them.

jjames7543 13

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:57

It's amazing how the first one is made right after you posted your comment.

THRASHtillDEATH 6

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:02

exactly

karkid619 8

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:04

dude I love your name

letsgoflyakite 2

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:15

that's a shitty situation you were in..

BIEBERSLAYER 10

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:26

see what I mean it's just stupid by now

GravyGuy 11

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:33

Those jokes are not funny! Stop using that shitty joke all the fucking time.

dreamering 16

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:53

No shit, miss.

aksweetheart 7

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Thursday 4 October 2012 8:07

Shaaaaaaaaatttttuuuuuuupppppp! (That is meant to be like shut up, but really drawn out... I long for the days that everyone will just understand what I mean so I won't have to explain things like this to people...)