Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 20:37 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Boom, headshot

Workaholic

By Uneducated - 26/1/2019 20:00

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By astocks - 24/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By riya - 29/9/2018 05:00

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

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By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

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By StewPit - 16/4/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By Divorcemenow - 17/7/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 10:57 - Denmark

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

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By PrincessCrippled - 18/5/2018 15:00

Today, a close friend tried to kill me by running me over with her car. Why? Because I didn't want to share the pain meds I had due to a third-degree burn. My leg is now broken in 3 places, my ankle is shattered, and I have to use a walker because I'm too clumsy for crutches. FML

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By hihaay - 30/9/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I found out the seat I'd taken was the preferred spot of a very hostile and extremely overweight freshman. Instead of letting me find different place to sit, she half sat on me, and completely ignored my attempts to dislodge myself all the way to school. FML

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By 12693 - 24/10/2012 17:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

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By bitchimgay - 22/7/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By ihatepokemon - 22/7/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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By jennybrev - 13/7/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 22:21 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

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By CC - 11/10/2011 14:51 - Sweden

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

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By anonymous - 21/11/2012 18:16 - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By xXxJoe16xXx - 1/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

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By WellThen - 15/12/2018 06:30 - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By anonymous - 27/2/2012 23:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my girlfriend over at my parents for dinner. When we were done, my dad went around to collect all the dirty plates and stacked them on his arm. When he got to my girlfriend, the weight became too much and he and the plates fell on top of her. FML

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By TheMommas - 6/11/2013 16:33 - United States - Dallas

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

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By Will - 21/2/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

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By sliceddice - 10/3/2010 16:08 - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2012 18:43 - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

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By LLCoolBean - 3/3/2011 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was inside a cell phone store talking to a sales guy while I waited outside. I sent him a text, not realizing that the guy was using his phone to call customer service. A topless photo of me shows up on his phone when I text him. The sales guy looked. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By Jenn - 24/9/2017 10:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

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By lilrudegirl - 22/6/2010 02:12 - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

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By fishtacos - 1/12/2014 03:32 - United States - Fontana

Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

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By morethanablondemoment - 28/8/2015 04:40 - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

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By joanikens - 26/3/2016 19:02 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I'm a barista at Starbucks. When my crush walked in and asked how much his coffee would cost, I said a date. He said he'd rather pay for the coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By Phazzer - 16/10/2009 13:39 - United States

Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

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By Stoodup - 26/3/2019 12:00

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2010 02:21 - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By DogStew - 15/9/2019 20:00

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

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By CA19oo - 16/1/2012 03:08 - United States

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

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By not jacked - 20/4/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

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By ...thanks - 7/9/2013 14:17 - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

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Top comments

By greenie213 | 23

#4929273 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:31

It's like the world is rejecting their death.

By DocBastard | 38

#4929298 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:38

The first time, you turn it off. The second time, you turn it off and apologise profusely. The third time, you get in your defective piece of shit and drive the fuck away.

COMMENTS

By greenie213 | 23

#4929273 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:31

It's like the world is rejecting their death.

Reply

putloginhere | 6

#4929294 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:36

Or the transformers are helping us mourn the dead!

Reply

JackeeDawn | 9

#4929318 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:45

It's the cars way of saying goodbye.

Reply

Marcella1016 | 29

#4929509 - Friday 14 September 2012 2:46

It's the ghost saying "You're next."

Reply

TheGianaJinx | 0

#4929619 - Friday 14 September 2012 3:25

Spirits be hatin'.

Reply

fmlroooster | 4

#4929665 - Friday 14 September 2012 3:39

I like turtles

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#4930574 - Friday 14 September 2012 4:57

3 times a charm

Reply

blade4080 | 7

#4930801 - Friday 14 September 2012 6:42

They say bad things happen in three.

Reply

GypsyRover | 0

#4930862 - Friday 14 September 2012 7:11

Sorry about the loss,but you are a ass for leaving it on. Grow up and have some respect.

Reply

CheeseTron | 15

#4930877 - Friday 14 September 2012 7:21

It must have been very alarming.

Reply

CheeseTron | 15

#4930888 - Friday 14 September 2012 7:24

Disregard my previous comment. I didn't see #6 comment before posting :P sorry guys.

Reply

tomiller64 | 0

#4931389 - Friday 14 September 2012 12:18

Leaving the car on? The car? Whose alarm goes off even when the car is turned off?

Reply

blade4080 | 7

#4932667 - Friday 14 September 2012 19:33

94- A car alarm only goes off when the car is off? That is the point of an alarm.

By thelinlinx3 | 10

#4929274 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:31

It could've been worse. Could have been your phone :D

Reply

TheTwistedOtaku | 16

#4929352 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:52

Pretty sure the car alarm is worse.
It's louder and more disruptive.

Reply

Judahsh | 8

#4929380 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:57

But its not your fault

Reply

1215116a | 14

#4929401 - Friday 14 September 2012 2:00

Yeah, you can turn off your phone or leave it in your car...a car alarm is WAY louder than a phone you can put on silent.

Reply

TheGianaJinx | 0

#4929627 - Friday 14 September 2012 3:27

*Insert OP's shitty rap song ringtone here*

Reply

mduffy08 | 8

#4929662 - Friday 14 September 2012 3:37

Or one crazy bass drop...

Reply

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#4930673 - Friday 14 September 2012 5:45

Try putting the car on vibrate

Reply

thelinlinx3 | 10

#4930749 - Friday 14 September 2012 6:15

You guys obviously don't know what sarcasm is :P

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4930996 - Friday 14 September 2012 9:02

Phone would have been disrespectful, while the car alarms just an accident.

Reply

kayomi | 1

#4932358 - Friday 14 September 2012 18:08

That worse than the phone

Reply

mandi806 | 1

#4933191 - Friday 14 September 2012 22:53

79. I think its you dont know how to be sarcastic..

By SuperDerp | 8

#4929275 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:31

Well damn. Sorry bout your loss op.... Shit be sucky

Reply

hama806 | 19

#4930927 - Friday 14 September 2012 7:52

Trying to wake up the dead OP?

Reply

CaptainDipShit | 0

#4932947 - Friday 14 September 2012 21:13

"Shit be sucky"?

I don't want to live on this planet any more...

By Sexy_Kisses14 | 8

#4929277 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:32

Wow just wow

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4929327 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:46

Great comment!!!

*sarcasm*

Reply

Danny0522 | 8

#4929343 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:50

^Good thing you added that sarcasm at the end, otherwise I would have thought you were serious.

Reply

walmartpaysme | 15

#4930524 - Friday 14 September 2012 4:44

18 your comment was just brilliant. So much better than the crappy comment you replied to... Oh wait nvm.

Reply

therealafroninga | 10

#4930541 - Friday 14 September 2012 4:48

How bout we get some love and compassion you dillweeds. ;)

Reply

marmlr339 | 14

#4933303 - Saturday 15 September 2012 0:08

#4 - your comment is pathetic. "wow, just wow" serves no purpose and is a meaningless comment. Please refrain from commenting things like that again!

By JJJJJakkkkeee | 6

#4929278 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:32

Sounds like your car had a few last words as well .

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4929422 - Friday 14 September 2012 2:09

Either that or there was a mischievous ghost at the funeral. The car senses dead people...

Reply

agonydrum | 7

#4929738 - Friday 14 September 2012 4:17

It's them danged neighborhood kids with their skateboards and their yoyo's

By bestnameright | 14

#4929280 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:32

That must've been alarming!

Reply

Petepoop | 6

#4929384 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:59

threesome

Reply

truth_spitta | 0

#4929403 - Friday 14 September 2012 2:01

Oh 28, I hope you're being sarcastic and actually got the joke....
But yeah, seems as though the car was tooting its own horn to try and get all the attention

By lilmisslovely13 | 15

#4929284 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:34

I bet the corpse was trying to break into your car

Reply

thgiL | 9

#4929516 - Friday 14 September 2012 2:48

The actual corpse?? Or did you mean the ghost?

Reply

ObeyAlliance | 7

#4930567 - Friday 14 September 2012 4:55

^ He would have said ghost if he meant ghost...

By captainburke | 5

#4929286 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:34

Awkward! *nervous laugh*

By kyat288 | 9

#4929293 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:35

It's a sign! The one who passed is trying to tell you something!

Reply

TurquoiseJesus | 15

#4929296 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:37

They were communicating in Morse code.

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#4930591 - Friday 14 September 2012 5:05

Three is the number of the devil.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4931183 - Friday 14 September 2012 10:17

Yeah, they were saying "I want your car"

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#4931752 - Friday 14 September 2012 14:56

I guess medieval jokes just aren't cool anymore.

Reply

Evaloscity | 6

#4941207 - Monday 17 September 2012 11:56

Not when you can't even do them right. Three 6's are the numbers of the devil. Three 3's are the numbers of angels.

By perdix | 29

#4929295 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:37

Was the funeral for a car thief? Or an avid GTA player?

Some alarms are set to sense very low levels of larceny in the area.