Miscellaneous: Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving...

By Mybrotherissatan - 10/03/2016 15:59 - United States - Arrington

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 545

You deserved it 1 321

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Weird reason to leave, but OK

The smell detective is on the case

By Odnel - 27/07/2013 04:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 039

You deserved it 3 815

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 21:55 - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 178

You deserved it 4 558

By e11ie - 27/09/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 843

You deserved it 3 086

Disclosure

By ummm eww - 12/06/2020 20:05

Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 225

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 11:15 - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 716

You deserved it 2 015

By fmlpgh - 16/02/2010 11:51 - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 504

You deserved it 2 692

Deadbeat

By stepdaddydoesitbetteranyway - 13/10/2020 20:05

Today, I found out that my ex is expecting another kid. Not only is this a man who tried to hook up with me last month, he's also the one who, when I asked him to pay child support for our 2, told me that he could just "make some more". Guess he was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 125

By TCRII - 13/06/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 427

You deserved it 371

You tried

By Anonymous - 09/12/2011 07:56 - Australia

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 236

You deserved it 3 244

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 314

You deserved it 6 186

Mr Commitment

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 05:00

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 428

You deserved it 118

Noise annoys

By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/05/2020 14:00

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 118

By loser. - 20/03/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 538

You deserved it 5 473

Move!

By Mogg - 18/12/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 860

You deserved it 3 248

By facepalm - 14/06/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 935

You deserved it 35 714

By anonymous - 22/12/2017 15:00

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 3 411

Stressed out

By Jocelyn - 18/02/2019 12:00

Today, I got stressed and well, let's just say I got carried away, pulled off most of my eyelashes on one eye, and now I have to find falsies that look real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 1 720

By Myballshurt - 03/08/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 373

You deserved it 22 099

By You'veHadTwoWeeksToTellMe - 24/04/2017 12:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one hour before bedtime on the last day of the school holidays, my kids informed me that they need art smocks for school. They have no idea why I'm frustrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 542

You deserved it 334

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

By Moimoi78 - 01/02/2017 05:00 - Australia - Eatons Hill

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 129

You deserved it 5 078

By Sam - 04/03/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 868

You deserved it 5 612

Baywatch music starts

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 12:00

Today, I nearly drowned. I was at a wave pool for the first time and stupidly swam out to the deep end. When the waves turned on, I discovered I can't swim in rough water. Despite my yelling, "Help!" and flailing around, the lifeguard paid me no attention. My friend had to save me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 527

By water fail - 28/01/2016 11:42 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 357

You deserved it 2 297

By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 145

You deserved it 358

Don't let the bastards grind you down

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 00:01 - United States

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 119

By kufan1324 - 05/06/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 091

You deserved it 3 321

No, you do it!

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 08:01

Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 55

By WTFLY - 23/03/2013 08:17 - United States - Hilo

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 185

You deserved it 3 075

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 013

You deserved it 13 950

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 23:41 - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 744

You deserved it 2 818

By peepa - 10/09/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 057

You deserved it 416

By foreverafatty - 31/03/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 552

You deserved it 15 765

By nocostumeforme - 29/10/2011 16:01 - Canada

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 938

You deserved it 6 956

By nickern - 08/02/2012 00:13 - Australia

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 492

You deserved it 22 932

By isuckatparking. seriously. - 16/01/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 788

You deserved it 1 014

Who you gonna call?

By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 02:02

Today, I couldn't enter my workplace because I haven't gotten the new keycard yet. I ended up having to wait outside for close to an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 126

By bregaja - 25/02/2016 18:59 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 792

You deserved it 1 611

By Ennui - 20/02/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 092

You deserved it 10 125

By omgdesdes - 16/11/2014 01:29 - United States - Casselberry

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 588

You deserved it 5 972

Don't know, don't care

By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 440

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Top comments

Tripartita 44

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:55

Looks like you're going to have to prove you're a good guy. I'd suggest buying candy for all the kids in the neighborhood, but that wouldn't cut it. Make it a van full of candy—oh, and make sure it's nearly windowless to ensure the candy doesn't melt in the sun.

Kermy1113 23

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:39

Why the hell would he do that?? That's not something to really play with.

OptimusSlime 23

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:37

Your brother is an asshole

masschris 17

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:37

Thats fucked up beat the shit out of him. Teach him a lesson

ZoroMiHawk 25

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Friday 11 March 2016 17:01

yeah that will surely convince the neighbours he's not on parole.

thestoryofacaleb 14

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:37

The real question is, are they right?

Replyka 17

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Friday 11 March 2016 4:33

No.

Kermy1113 23

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:39

Why the hell would he do that?? That's not something to really play with.

Hunter_the_Ninja 22

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:41

Just like children...

AceOfThe925 3

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Friday 11 March 2016 4:10

6 that's great made me laugh xD

MariaGiovanni 25

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Friday 11 March 2016 6:50

right plus who would want to be the brother of a creepy felon anyway

football98_fml 20

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:41

Tell your mom on him.

PePziNL 20

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Friday 11 March 2016 2:15

BUT MYOOOOOOOOM

BiGTiMeNeRD 29

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:43

Anyone can do a search to see if any sex offenders lives in the neighborhood.

SecundusSecunda 27

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:53

Your brother sounds as likeable as an angler fish wearing an SS uniform

Tripartita 44

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Friday 11 March 2016 1:55

Dale_shackleford 13

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Friday 11 March 2016 2:19

And make sure to spray paint "free candy" on it, the parents will appreciate your willingness to make your good intentions clear.

destroyahx2 2

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Friday 11 March 2016 4:21

Honestly that comment made my day

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Friday 11 March 2016 6:29

Most of your comments are clever but I think this one makes the top of the list by far. LMFAO

psyjoniz 12

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Friday 11 March 2016 15:03

im positive i wont find a better comment for at least a week.

Enkeria 30

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Friday 11 March 2016 2:07

I would confront your brother and make him tell the neighbor's that he was lying. That's happened to me in the past. My neighbor called me an unsensitive bitch because I called her out on something she was doing which was illegal. She ended up apologizing to everybody and admitted to lying.