Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is...

By anonymous - 5/3/2011 05:34 - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

The student becomes the master

By dntstopmenow - 14/3/2009 05:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was writing a very important email to my college professor. I went upstairs for something and came back down to send it. I later asked him today why he hadn't responded to which he said "I'm flattered...but can't." My roommate had added "love you xxx" at the end of the email. FML

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By kewtness_17 - 1/10/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By Hayley - 24/2/2018 19:00

Bad Luck Brian

Today, my doctor told me that my lungs are as bad as a 60-year-old heavy smoker's. I'm 19 and I've never touched a cigarette in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 19:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

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By Britishboy1991 - 9/12/2016 15:50

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - 19/6/2014 21:05 - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

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By Savy - 8/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when an aging lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she had pickpocketed me of my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 10:30 - United States - Wichita

Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Some guy grabbed her ass, and I tried to fight him. I ended up with a concussion and a messed up jaw. Her? Oh, she beat the shit out of him while I was unconscious. FML

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By - 26/12/2019 20:00

Christmas shopping

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

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By Anyonymous_101 - 21/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

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By overreacting - 3/4/2015 06:08 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

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By authorx - 27/6/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By shotdown - 4/11/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

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By malos - 12/8/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 08:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

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By ManInPain - 12/7/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 23:31

Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML

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By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

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By you can't win - 10/7/2017 21:00

A Lose-Lose Situation

Today, after months of being called paranoid, distrusting and over-possessive by my girlfriend for being suspicious of her, I learned that she really is cheating on me with her coworker. When confronted, she called me ignorant, gullible and naive for believing her. FML

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By wipeoffincircles - 27/5/2017 03:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By Anunimos - 19/4/2015 13:08 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML

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By starley - 13/8/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By Sick - 1/1/2020 01:00 - Netherlands - Ede

Nice bird

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

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By lambxox - 8/11/2010 09:04 - United States

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

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By lollerskate - 16/1/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, my smoke alarm went off. In a frenzy, I called 9-1-1 and exited my house. Several minutes later a fire truck showed up. After investigating, one of the firemen informed me I needed to change the batteries in my smoke alarm. FML

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By dummy - 11/7/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, while babysitting a five year old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

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By pubes - 18/3/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By Jacky-Boy - 7/8/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

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By Alaska - 29/10/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

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By Hailey Antone - 10/9/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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By -__-" - 29/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By resurrected - 4/9/2013 15:59 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

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By anon - 31/1/2016 21:38 - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

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By Ben - 25/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

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Top comments

By chrstygrl06 | 10

#2151820 - Saturday 5 March 2011 11:56

You asked for it. Parents love to embarrass their children. Zip your mouth next time.

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2151854 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:07

Why would you tell your parents that anyway?

COMMENTS

By chrstygrl06 | 10

#2151820 - Saturday 5 March 2011 11:56

You asked for it. Parents love to embarrass their children. Zip your mouth next time.

dusty209 | 0

#2153668 - Sunday 6 March 2011 4:26

a. not everyones parents are gona do that
b. so wat if she knows u think she's attractive

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2155786 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:25

the waiter is a girl

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2155796 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:27

*sigh* you changed your comment from he to she so forget what I said

CAC_Boomerang | 24

#6251502 - Friday 3 April 2015 19:33

#50
C) Your grammar is so bad that your parents have to use embarrassment to prevent you from breeding

By Sadochan | 0

#2151833 - Saturday 5 March 2011 11:59

Or you could tell him yourself?

FUGYU | 2

#2152117 - Saturday 5 March 2011 15:49

exactly, OP must be 5.

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2151854 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:07

Why would you tell your parents that anyway?

gntfmlingnow | 12

#2957073 - Saturday 23 July 2011 7:59

I've gotta ask, WHAT is with your pic

By rottentomatoes | 7

#2151868 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:12

True.

By Doortje | 28

#2151870 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:14

Sounds like my mother. Which is why I haven't told her personal things since I was 7. YDI, you should've known your parents by now.

By x3herox3 | 0

#2151880 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:18

I dont tell any1 that i have a crush on some1. I tell te person that it.

By Trupe | 3

#2151885 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:21

So you were too scared to tell a guy you think he's hot? If you're 13+, you need to work on that. Being shy only holds you back.

Jizwold | 0

#2152062 - Saturday 5 March 2011 15:09

shy girls are the best cause they let u do anything since they are so self conscious

Justine94_x | 31

#2152129 - Saturday 5 March 2011 15:51

If they're shy they're not gonna let you do shit because they're so self-conscious...

mask724 | 7

#2152335 - Saturday 5 March 2011 18:55

actually, shy girls wait until your alone behind closed doors.

pinkdottedbow | 0

#2156718 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:51

Do you seriously tell every person you see and find attractive what you feel about them?

By ambowew | 7

#2151926 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:35

You should leave your number on a napkin when you leave, just to make your stalker facade all that more overwhelming.

By Dragons_corner | 6

#2151949 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:49

my mom does this.

UberQwerty | 1

#2152331 - Saturday 5 March 2011 18:47

exactly!

By sincerely331 | 0

#2151959 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:55

how is this an fml??