By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:04 - United States - El Macero

Ding dong

Today, I got an ingrown hair. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere other than my penis. FML

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725

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Serious times

Stained

Bit on the side

By MileHighGirlGuy

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

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6115

You deserved it

610

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By disappointed - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

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34140

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14068

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By Tiff676 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

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42850

You deserved it

2666

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By JJAnd - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

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11227

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47920

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By foreveralone - United States - Sherman

Today, I was talking to my best friend's brother after we drunkenly hooked up last night. I've had a crush on him for over a year. He ended up interrupting himself and said, "Please don't tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to think we're dating or anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34865

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6298

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By treegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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121753

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By LoveLost

Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14141

You deserved it

2727

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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32844

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6717

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By What-_-

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4365

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520

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By thegirlofthedad - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38522

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2761

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By princesspea - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML

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53341

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3252

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By legitweirdo - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46753

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2683

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By shuffling man

YDI Fosho

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2293

You deserved it

3811

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By ThatAintLogical - United States

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36075

You deserved it

2525

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By dangit - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23309

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3570

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By Chucho - United States - Boston

Today, my mom told me that she rather wait for the city bus all day, than allow me to give her a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20489

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3631

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By ilovecowboys - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

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26780

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6882

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By jlw1998 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18398

You deserved it

4444

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By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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14824

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1547

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By Anonymous - United States - Mckinney

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20835

You deserved it

1930

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By failhusband - United States

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

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29088

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By blueballed - Germany - Kiel

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43882

You deserved it

7799

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By Rusty Armstrong - 17/8/2020 05:01

Thanks capitalism, I hate it!

Today, the prison program I work for has been shut down for months due to Covid, but my bosses have been having us sitting at our desks, doing nothing, in proximity to the inmates. I guess they'd rather pay us to be exposed than to stay safe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1109

You deserved it

138

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By SomeExplainingToDo

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

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3361

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By kaitylait - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

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30437

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11084

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By what did I do? - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks

29199

You deserved it

2518

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By Bden - United States

Today, was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. There were still 100 shots left to go. FML

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57623

You deserved it

22331

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

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14479

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3245

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

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32653

You deserved it

47347

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By nubs

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2640

You deserved it

135

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By Peterrulesall - 25/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Bad joke, dude

Today, as a joke, I put a picture of a sonogram on my girlfriend's facebook. Now her entire family hates me, and her mother has started the 2-hour drive to come pull her out of college. Whoops. FML

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298

You deserved it

2291

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By Nanabanana1 - United States

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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39910

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2819

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By all tweened out - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

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34664

You deserved it

2710

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By supersmashpika - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

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26119

You deserved it

9705

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By halfie - United States - Pigeon Forge

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

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10497

You deserved it

33181

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By Baboosh - Canada

Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML

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41998

You deserved it

13878

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By stillloverher

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

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6041

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7723

You deserved it

510

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By TheFatOne - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

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42798

You deserved it

5532

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By PerfectVision - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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40959

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Top comments

By TCRII | 28

#7953361 - Saturday 21 November 2020 2:16

Just pull it out. The hair, not the penis...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7953363 - Saturday 21 November 2020 3:25

It's ingrown. He'll need another circumcision.

COMMENTS

By TCRII | 28

#7953361 - Saturday 21 November 2020 2:16

Just pull it out. The hair, not the penis...

RichardPencil | 28

#7953363 - Saturday 21 November 2020 3:25

It's ingrown. He'll need another circumcision.