By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

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Caught red-handed

Age ain't nothing but a number

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 09:16 - Canada

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

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By skidmark - 8/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By izzy - 15/5/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 10:00

Today, I pretended to have a heart attack so my baby sister would know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she drank my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By bzygirl - 26/9/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

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By All Dressed Up With No Place To Go - 11/9/2015 05:57 - United States - Ashland

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2014 23:07 - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

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By anonymous - 17/5/2016 00:29 - United States - Ashland

Today, at the laundromat. I loaded a huge load into the top dryer, put all the quarters in, and started the bottom one. I realized my mistake when I came to check on it. FML

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By Pooldead - 28/7/2019 04:00 - Germany - Munich

Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - 5/6/2013 15:24 - United States

Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML

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By mtorres8789 - 27/6/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

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By theblackrose23 - 6/9/2013 12:10 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

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By svet - 22/2/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By John - 26/3/2012 02:53 - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex in the shower. While trying to support her weight, as we got into things, I slipped backwards on the wet floor and fell through the Pyrex side of the shower, with her crashing down on me. I now have bits of Pyrex in my back and have to replace the shower side. FML

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By DontBeRude - 28/9/2015 04:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

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By oddbrien - 13/12/2016 03:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2020 17:00

Fairytale ending

Today, as something cute to do, me and my boyfriend dressed as Snow White and the Prince so we could photograph the moment he kisses me and I wake up. He thought it would be funny to use his penis, so now there’s a picture of us dressed up with my dumb self kissing his penis with my eyes closed. FML

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By BFfail - 15/8/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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By Annie - 22/11/2009 22:07 - Mexico

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

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By Fatality - 28/10/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

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By dearprudence89 - 10/11/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

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By bham boy - 20/4/2011 08:10

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

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By Tragics - 11/11/2009 18:53 - Canada

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

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By Rhett_15 - 1/8/2017 13:00

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

Today, I found out that my favorite song is about blow jobs and crystal meth. FML

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By Raset24 - 30/6/2016 17:40

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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By indefiniteforest - 20/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

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By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By brokeasajoke - 1/11/2013 12:58 - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By poor teacher - 23/9/2013 17:54 - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2010 04:41 - United States

Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. FML

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By obsceene - 18/10/2010 10:49 - United States

Today, it was wacky tacky day at my school. I did not participate, however, I did get voted the tackiest outfit in my school. FML

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By LustyDragon - 5/6/2017 14:00

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By j - 1/3/2011 06:26

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By deadhammy - 11/1/2013 07:09 - United States - San Diego

Today, my hamster died. It climbed out of its cage and jumped off my dresser. Looking for condolences, I told my mom who replied, "If I lived in your room, I would have done it earlier." FML

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By cjk004 - 15/2/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

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By birthday girl - 26/7/2014 04:55 - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844288 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 14:05

He must be one horny dude.

Hope he forks you real good.

Does he greet them saying "HELL-o?"

By Wadlaen | 18

#7844193 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 8:32

😮
Is this an idea they have from the way you summoned him..?

Comments

By Wadlaen | 18

#7844193 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 8:32

😮
Is this an idea they have from the way you summoned him..?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844288 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 14:05

He must be one horny dude.

Hope he forks you real good.

Does he greet them saying "HELL-o?"

By LaraimeSullivan | 4

#7844350 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 20:23

Hope they realize he is a man of wealth and taste

By loliloveoniichan | 12

#7844355 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 20:54

Please allow me to introduce myself,
I'm a man of wealth and taste.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7844374 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 22:52

What do you expect when you're dating a guy called Lucifer?

By acmariner99 | 23

#7844432 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 3:24

Oh, is his name Lucifer?

By mrsstimmer | 13

#7844512 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 9:29

Detective?

By ftpallday666 | 14

#7844537 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 10:50

That is.... hilarious
Time to distance yourself from your parents. A lot of us have to do it for our safety and happiness. Sounds like you might have to as well.

By Abbusser | 9

#7844830 - Thursday 19 September 2019 14:16

Whatever gave them that impression? Was it the horns? The tail? The 666 tattooed on his forehead?